Unions

As a member of what used to be one of the more militant print unions I can confirm that ‘normal’ people don’t attend regular union meanings or, indeed, any union meetings. That’s because normal people don’t feel comfortable associating with odd types who appear to share the same grubby raincoat and an embarrassing fondness for addressing everybody as ‘brother’ in the work’s toilet.

Now I know I shouldn’t say this but, apart from the late Les Dixon of the National Graphical Association (a lovely man) and Brenda Dean (an attractive lady who was the first women to lead a major trade union), I have seldom met or seen a non-ugly union leader. Truth is, I suspect the whole union movement to be a conspiracy by ever-so-ugly people to get even with the rest of us good-looking folk. I don’t know whether it’s being so ugly that’s made them bitter or being so bitter that’s made them so ugly. Either way, torrid forces lurk within these unfortunate creatures that can only be sated by constantly seeking to inconvenience all good-looking folk.

Coveted ‘xecutive positions are, of course, seldom occupied by normal rank and file union member who would much rather be out and about having a jolly good time than attending totally boring union meetings. Unfortunately, this leaves the door open for particularly ugly horror-comic Marxist and Trotsky varieties seeking to gain control of the ‘Xecutive – especially in unions strategically positioned to bring the nation to a standstill and/or accelerate the ‘class’ war.

No Problem. Immediately after seizing power the Grumpy Old Men Political Party will introduce no-strike agreements to all organisations whose disruptive actions could have an adverse effect on the economy. An independent arbitrator (whose determination will be accepted as full and final by all concerned) will be appointed if management and unions can’t swiftly resolve a dispute. And we’ll discreetly and ever-so-caringly put  all the ugliest and more dangerous of the power-crazed union leaders out of their misery.