The Grumpy Wheel

Why spend £30,000 a year housing criminals in relative comfort when they could be doing something useful in considerable discomfort?

Immediately after seizing power the Grumpies will construct thousands of gigantic treadmills capable of generating and feeding zillions of super clean green kilowatts of electricity direct to the national grid. We’ll keep these gargantuan examples of finely crafted aerobic equipment spinning by lashing a carefully selected number of ‘volunteers’ to them – primarily work-shy spongers, louts, villains, homicidal maniacs, juvenile snots and fat-fingered lawyers. We’re confident each and every one of these antisocial varieties will warm to the task of repaying their debt to society once they realise it isn’t possible for them to be unleashed from a rapidly spinning Grumpy Wheel until their personal kilowatt-generating target for the day has been surpassed (which it never will).

We are, in addition, considering applications from many well-intentioned farts and fartesses representing the interests of the current plague of Fat-Fucker-Families who consider (somewhat insensitively I feel) that Fat-Fuckers-Families would be less of a burden on the public purse if they lost a wee bit of weight whilst treading the Grumpy Wheel. Specially reinforced Fat-Fucker-Family Porker winches capable of slotting recalcitrant Roly-Polys securely into position on a Grumpy Wheel (several at a time) are currently being evaluated in order to satisfy stringent Health & Safety Executive requirements