APRIL 1ST 2008 – ANIMAL RIGHTS
It's an outrage. Vulnerable little animals continue to be experimented upon for no other reason than to save/prolong the lives of millions of unhealthy human beings. Even though pain might not actually be associated with such procedures one can be certain these innocent little creatures ain't gonna be feeling too good about participating in any of these programs. You can bet your life they'd much rather be out having a good time gambolling about in the woods and fields. Nevertheless, selfish vested interests continue to demand that these furry little mites continue to be sacrificed just so everybody can live longer pain free lives.

The Grumpy’s Solution – Immediately after having seized power we'll be introducing a slightly controversial new law banning experimentation on all animals other than the genus homo sapiens. This new law will allow responsible citizens aged six and over to offer themselves up to be experimented upon for the good of the nation – and the animal kingdom. Volunteers will receive a large certificate, a small medal (to be worn at all ceremonial occasions) and the approbation of a grateful society. Animal rights activists will obviously want to be first in the queue but human rights extremists will naturally demand that perverts, recidivists, homicidal maniacs, illegal immigrants and the socially challenged must be given preferential treatment. Applications from guilt-racked members of the legal profession will be looked upon favourably. A modest donation will of course be expected from the nation's weirdo masochist contingent since they'll obviously want to hog more than their fair share of all the more painful procedures.

Of course the criminal element, particularly those given to lounging about in their cells all day doing nothing but fret about how they're ever going to repay society for all the trouble they've caused, won't be satisfied with just volunteering their bodies for experimentation purposes. They know a critical shortage of vital organs exists for transplant purposes and will undoubtedly be desperate to gain redemption and additional kudos for themselves by offering to contribute some (possibly all) of their own organs to good people in dire need. Of course the Grumpy Team, deeply concerned as we are with all the moral and ethical issues related to this very sensitive subject, couldn't possibly allow this additional privilege to be extended to the criminal fraternity under any circumstance – unless a member of the Team, or perhaps a few thousand decent hardworking members of the public, just happened to run short of an organ or two.