Executing murderers won't satisfy dependent's need for revenge, won't expose the criminal element to a meaningful deterrent and won't save the nation £billions. Bollocks!

The Problem – Sensitive well-intentioned folk hold deep and very personal views/convictions about the sanctity of life. They consider the death penalty to be uncivilized and, because they're well organised, well funded, dedicated to their cause and know precisely what strings to pull, have succeeded in having the death penalty abolished. Now, nobody convicted of murder or excessive violence has to fear being put to death for their crimes.

The Grumpy’s Solution – We, naturally, respect everybody's personal views/convictions. However, we don't feel anybody has the right to expect the cost related to the imposition of their personal views/convictions to be born by those who don't share them. So, immediately after having seized power, we're going to delight everybody, other than the legal profession, by introducing our slightly controversial new Save Britain's Filthy Murdering Swine and Scum of the Earth Register. The Register will contain the names of all the sensitive well-intentioned folk who have volunteered to preserve the lives of the nation's filthy murdering swine and scum of the earth. To ensure their names appear in the Register volunteers have merely to complete a simple form authorizing the Grumpy Team to periodically transfer unlimited sums of money from their personal bank account into the Grumpy's totally non-transparent Lichtenstein-based Murdering Swine and Scum of the Earth escrow account.

Sensitive well-intentioned folk featured in the Register will be absolutely delighted because they can claim for themselves the exclusive right and privilege of keeping thousands of filthy murdering swine and scum of the earth in comfort for the rest of their lives. Those not featured (the majority) will also be delighted because the £30,000 and more it costs annually to incarcerate every felon won't be coming out of their pockets.

It's to be hoped the deeply held views/convictions of the Well-Intentioned don't become any less deeply held when the Grumpy Team start parting them from their money. In the event insufficient funds are forthcoming to maintain the handsome lifestyle filthy murdering swine and scum of the earth will undoubtedly demand the Grumpy Team pledge to put all of them out of their misery in an ever-so-caring and environmentally friendly manner.