Insider Trading

Giving or receiving advance information, usually about companies listed on the stock market, is an exciting and exceedingly profitable way of doing business. But it’s illegal. Rightly so. That said, there’s seldom any physical violence associated with such activities. Members of the public aren’t likely to be pounced upon in the midst of their revelries and brutally savaged. So, no point in jailing the culprits. Which is why the Grumpy Team, after much consideration, has decided to punish these miscreants by relieving them of their money rather than their liberty.

However, since difficulties exist in attempting to accurately calculate the gain arising from insider dealings we’ve decided to levy a sliding scale fine, starting at 25% of the combined assets of each guilty party and their immediate family (wife/husband and children). Wealthy people attempting to create the illusion their family asset base is of modest proportions will qualify to particulate in a Grumpy ‘Guess the Family Asset Value’ extravaganza and should be prepared for the worst.

Note: The Grumpy Team is excited about introducing the principle of allowing the whole family to participate more directly in the punishment of any member who falls foul of the law. We’re sure it will make for a much closer and more caring family unit.