PETER STOKES – LEADER OF THE GRUMPY OLD MEN POLITICAL PARTY
Track Record and Statement of Intent
Son of a Welsh coal hewer. Secondary Modern education. Print apprentice. Volunteered to serve in Her Majesty's Regular Army where he was constantly involved in close-quarter combat, mostly in hostile NAAFI's throughout the Middle East. Subsequently held production, administrative, sales and marketing positions in several companies before becoing a one-man Venture Capitalist. Co-founded, personally financed and was an Executive Director, lead trouble-shooter and fifty percent shareholder in over seventy companies throughout Britain, Ireland, France, North America and the Caribbean embracing property, antiques, insurance, security, debt-collection, data-capture, recruitment, publishing, the Internet and a raft of companies in the creative services sector. The second most successful of these companies was the Ken Stokes Business Forms Group, founded in 1973 as a two-man company off the back of a £20k personal loan and sold to Rockware Plc in 1987 for £22.5 million. Author of the One-Man Venture Capitalist and the Alternative Career. Known internationally as the 'Brains' behind the London Manhattan Smelly Tramp Debt Collection Service.
Plays an awesome game of squash.
Plays an awesome game of squash.
I blame those idle scrotes, the Apathetic Majority, for everything.
Though capable of outstanding acts of courage, kindness and generosity the Apathetic Majority are, mostly, a shortsighted, ill-informed greed and envy-driven bunch that complain a lot but do little to help their lot. It was they who allowed overly sensitive farts and fartesses to gain the moral high ground where, encouraged by very greedy lawyers, they persuaded the more feeble-minded amongst us that Britain would be a far better place in which to live if only we abolished physical punishment and embraced political correctness, human rights excesses and a culture of compensation – that monumentally profitable (for lawyers) but socially damaging USA marketing scam.
So we did. Big mistake. Britain hasn’t become a far better place in which to live. Fact is, we possess neither the money nor the will to make the transformation. Our National Debt (£1.3 trillion) currently exceeds our total wealth and we're buried in a rights-without-responsibility Nanny-State benefit-dependent culture that discourages the work ethic and limits our ability (our desire even) to dig ourselves out of the hole we've created. Worse, our punishment free society has become a breeding ground for work-shy spongers, louts, villains, addicts, perverts, homicidal maniacs, juvenile snots and a lying mad-dog media. All of whom grow evermore obnoxious with each additional right, freedom and privilege bestowed upon them. Understandably, they all possess nil respect for authority and experience nothing but utter contempt or mild amusement at the sissy wrist-slapping efforts being made to get tough with them.
Unfortunately, after generations of comparative peace, the soft white underbelly of the nation is beginning to show through. Us Brits have become soft/squeamish. We talk tough but aren't prepared to act tough. Our leaders, instead of grabbing us all by the throat and telling us to get used to the 'no gain without pain' facts of life, are busy harvesting votes/jobs by ensuring they do nothing which might actually upset somebody.
No problem. The Grumpies, a bold and innovative new breed of exceptionally good-looking leaders of real men will, immediately after having seized power, swiftly resolve the nation's many and varied problems, right all wrongs and transform Britain into a winner. To facilitate this long overdue transformation we'll be launching our ever-so-caring but totally merciless new Attila-the-Hun style regime of fear, pain, terror, deprivation and death.
This will, of course, upset everybody. Especially your antisocial variety.
The good news is that I'm going to provide the British public with a choice. Those who understand, as I do, the simple little minds of the Apathetic Majority will know they've long since wearied of listening to politicians dispensing exactly the same pathetic inducements and repeating exactly the same dreary old lies as one another. Not me. I'm going to add a touch of light humour/satire to my political message. Which will amuse them. And I'm going to tell them the truth. Which will sadden them.
But first I have to awaken that sleeping giant, the Apathetic Majority, and let them know they can now trumpet the full force of their collective views throughout the corridors of power simply by adding their names to the Grumpy petitions currently being featured on the Prime Minister’s Number 10 Downing Street website.
Don't get me wrong. I don't particularly relish the prospect of having to spend my time running the country. As an irresponsible arsehole myself, I'd far rather somebody else assume responsibility for eliminating injustice and transforming Britain into a winner.
But who else has the vision or the balls to do it?
Peter Stokes, your Leader