28th – A male teacher was punched, kicked and choked by a 12 year old pupil whilst other teachers looked on, fearful they might be accused of assault if they intervened. The teacher gave up work due to back problems and stress which was, presumably, further aggravated by his heroic four-and-a-half year battle to win a £250,000 out-of-court compensation payment for lost wages, courtesy of the taxpayer. The Apathetic Majority will be disgusted with the actions of the boy, the reaction of the teacher, the inaction of the other teachers, the size of the award and the amount of time wasted by all concerned. No doubt they'll heave a sigh of relief when the Grumpy Old Men Political Party seize power and light a fire under juvenile snots, their teachers and the laws which encourage and perpetuate such contemptible and spineless conduct by both pupils and teachers.

24th – The Daily Mail says, so it must be true, that hundreds of abused children are to sue councils for £millions after a landmark ruling at the Council of Appeal that Doncaster council must pay compensation to a 32 year old man who suffered abuse from his parents. All of them will be entitled to legal aid. Jonathan Wheeler of Bolt Burden Kemp solicitors said that lawyers could point to 'countless examples of similar failings by social service departments up and down the country.' What a Pandora's box of pig-fests Santa has opened for fat-fingered lawyers and their soon-to-be-wealthy clients, many of whom can be relied upon to make exaggerated if not totally spurious claims. The Grumpies will end compensation mania simply by substantially reducing the level of compensation awards and inflicting meaningful punishment on lawyers and their clients who make frivolous or spurious claims.

22nd – A lawyer is now persuading French motorists to break the law – on a technicality. Motoring penalties, under French law, automatically lapse if objections to a speeding fine remain unanswered for more than a year so a fat-fingered lawyer, has devised a cunning scheme to bring the French justice system to its knees by flooding it with more legal objections to radar-generated speeding fines than the system is capable of handling within a year. After just one month 120,000 subscribers have paid him up to £7 each. Given that the number of deaths on the roads in France has been reduced by thousands since the introduction of radar in 2003, one might think that he might worry that the money he's now trousering will be dripping with the blood of French motorists. No chance. He's not actually opposed to road safety. He just thinks that 'it's the role of any good lawyer to find breaches in the law and exploit them.' He's lucky he doesn't have to account to the Grumpy Team. We'd drag his cringing body, by the heels, around the streets of Paris for all to behold the price of sedition.

18th – Legal costs and the requirements of well-intentioned farts and fartesses are primarily responsible for the 13 months delay and the £11,000 required to forcibly deport the average failed asylum seeker who is deemed safe to return home. It's cheaper (£1000) to persuade them to return home voluntarily. Problem is, according to the Centre for Social Justice, there's a 280,000 backlog of failed applicants many of whom, whilst being persuaded, disappear off the radar into illegal employment, prostitution or crime. This, according to a Conservative Party think-tank, can be prevented by providing them with a range of housing, financial and health care benefits. Presumably, nobody has mentioned that the more benefits received by illegal immigrants the less likely anybody is going to be able to persuade them to go home. What a mess. The Grumpy Team will, thoughtfully and ever-so-nicely, put all failed asylum seekers on the next plane home immediately after identifying them as failed asylum seekers.

12th – Piracy and kidnapping continue unabated. Hardly surprising. It's money for old rope. The perpetrators even get to sneer, justifiably, at the cringing wet-knickered manner in which we all fall over ourselves to obey their every instruction/demand. The Apathetic Majority feel good about this. We want well-intentioned wimps and sissies to portray us Brits to these bandits as snivelling curs who can be threatened, tormented and insulted with impunity. Bollocks! The Grumpy Old Men Political Party will, immediately after seizing power, make it known that Britain will no longer allow a ransom to be paid for the return of our people or our possessions; that a single Brit who isn't immediately released unharmed will trigger a lethal attack by our troops or our Boys in Blue. This uncompromising strategy will, initially, result in the deaths of a number of lives but will unquestionably save far more lives, money and humiliation over the long term.

10th – The reason the killer of 11-year old Rhys Jones was stopped a total of 80 times by the police both before and after the murder was because he was well known to everybody in the community as a nasty little piece of work who was always up to no good. Unfortunately, not everybody supports stop-and-search tactics which is why the Grumpy Team will, immediately after seizing power, be introducing our alternative and far more socially acceptable 'Annual Cull'. This simple but exceedingly cost effective tough-on-the-causes-of-crime concept requires all known louts, villains and juvenile snots in every community throughout the land over the age of six to be rounded up each year (our Boys in Blue already know who they are) and 'invited' to attend one of our ever-so-caring but totally merciless one-month fear, pain, terror, deprivation and death tutorials – from which only the good guys graduate.

2nd – Given the terrorist attack in Bombay, and the fact that England has already lost the first five games of the series, it's to be expected that well-intentioned wimps and sissies would be attempting to persuade our cricketers not to return to India. No problem. The Grumpy Team is confident none of our Boys in White would be crass enough to heed the advice of those yellow-bellied cowards. I can promise you not one of them is going to shatter the expectations of those of us who depend on our national heroes to demonstrate to the world the fine sporting and 'bollocks to terrorists' qualities which prevail amongst all decent hardworking Brits.

10th – Plans are afoot to squander £30 million or so on a scheme to encourage the obese amongst us to take more exercise. The Grumpy Old Men Political Party has a much better plan. Immediately after seizing power we're going to construct thousands of gigantic treadmills capable of generating and feeding clean electricity direct to the National Grid. Our original plan was to keep these fine pieces of aerobic equipment spinning by lashing 'volunteers' to them – primarily work-shy spongers, louts, villains, homicidal maniacs, juvenile snots, fat-fingered lawyers and the like. However, since an ever-increasing number of overweight Roly-Polys have become a serious financial burden upon their local communities, the plan has been revised to provide privileged access to the 'Wheel' for the nations lard-laden wibblely wobblers. (They know who they are).

10th – It's been suggested, on numerous occasions, that low-income council tenants who morph into high-income council tenants should be encouraged to pay higher rents or move out and allow the less fortunate amongst us to move in. An excellent suggestion but no politicians, other than the Grumpies, will touch it with a barge poll for fear of losing votes/jobs.

8th – Many companies have installed telephone software which reduces the number of people required to answer incoming calls. The effect of which is to keep decent hardworking folk nursing a useless telephone for weeks on end. But that's OK. The idiot public don't mind waiting. They understand and accept that it makes good sense for companies to pitch levels of staffing to match off-peak rather than peak traffic periods. Bollocks! The Grumpy Team will ensure all miscreants bring this shabby practice to a halt.

8th – How come everybody is now insisting that our banks should be advancing cheaper mortgages and loans to all and sundry? Am I dreaming or isn't that how our current problems were precipitated? Fact is, banks don't exist to provide risk capital to anybody. They exist to lend (wisely) the savings deposited with them by millions of decent hardworking folk, not support dead-on-their-feet companies or offer attractive mortgages to unsuitable applicants or provide personal loans for people to acquire products and services they can ill afford.

7th – There were in excess of 4,000 company liquidations in the third quarter of 2008 (a 26.3% increase over the same period a year ago). Sadly, the current recession is going to wipe out thousands more. But offering them a reduced rate of interest isn't going to save them. An additional loan or increased overdraft might stave off the evil day for a couple of months but sales (or lack of them) is the real killer. What to do? My job creation and job saving advice to Gordon was for him to immediately kick start some life into housing, infrastructure and CO2 friendly projects; to allow companies employing less than six staff to ignore all forms of employment legislation; to encourage small companies to employ school leavers who want to learn a trade/profession and are prepared to work for far less than the minimum wage and to persuade all staff and directors of companies in difficulty to accept a salary cut of at least 10% across the board if they want/need business, sales, marketing or financial help. When Gordon took my hand to thank me there were tears of gratitude in his eyes.

3rd – The Sun newspaper says (so it must be true) that six asylum seekers are claiming £300,000 compensation for false imprisonment and breaches of their human rights after being detained over a number of days whilst their status was checked. They all claimed they were under eighteen (a regular trick used by adult asylum seekers to ease their way into the country) but had no documents to prove it. At least three of them have never actually complained about being detained. Guess what percentage of that £300,000 (plus expenses) is going to be trousered by their lawyers.

3rd – The very gullible Lying Mad-Dog Media have foolishly passed on some ugly rumour to the effect that Lambeth Council intend to spend £90,000 and more, punishing unruly juvenile snots by removing their socks and giving them a foot massage. Bollocks! Even Lambeth Council aren't that stupid. No. The reason socks are to be removed is obviously to avoid holes being burnt in them whilst red hot pokers etc. are being applied to the soles of disruptive little snots – a strategy that will avoid expensive sock-based compensation claims being made by pain-wracked little Munchkins and their fat-fingered legal representatives.

29th – The nation should be truly grateful to Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross. Between them they've managed, at a stroke, to kick sand into the faces of thousands of Apathetic Arseholes who, until now, never thought to question the rights and freedoms of the Lying Mad-Dog Media. Hopefully, somebody will now demand that the more smutty and unwholesome creatures lurking within the media should be denied direct access to the impressionable young minds of the nation's dimwits and juvenile snots.

26th – A criminal case has collapsed because a court has ruled that civilian Dedicated Detention Officers (DDOs) who have assumed some of the administrative duties previously performed by our Boys in Blue, don't have sufficient legal powers to do the job. The House of Commons Home Affairs Committee is now investigating the matter. Greedy lawyers are poised, slavering from the mouth, at the prospect of topping up their coffers throughout the pig-fest which awaits if thousands of 'unsafe' convictions can be quashed on a legal technicality. But, bad news for lawyers. Their pig-fest days are numbered. The Grumpies, immediately after having seized power, will ensure that the spirit/intent of the law is observed, as well as the letter of the law.

21st – Suddenly, everybody is being made aware of how dependent we all are on the contribution made by the business community. Politicians and the Lying Mad-Dog Media are vying with one another to propose business concessions, all of which appear to have the tacit support of everybody who would normally be moving heaven and earth to oppose such proposals. Are the tiny little minds of the public labouring under the delusion that it only makes sense to support our business community at times of crisis?

19th – The media is now filling our heads with fears related to unemployment and the cost of supporting the growing number of unemployed. The Grumpies, instead of distributing hard cash to the worlds needy (much of which ends up in the wrong hands) would use it to train a three million strong task force capable of building cheap accommodation and support facilities for communities in need, both at home and overseas. 'Volunteers' would be drawn from the unemployed. Priority will be given to work-shy spongers – especially those feigning sickness or incapacity.

19th – Wicked policemen, under the guise of pretending many more crimes will be solved, want to increase the size/value of the national DNA database. So say human rights activists who would have us believe this will lead to an erosion of our hard-won rights and freedoms and innocent people being wrongly accused of crimes due to DNA cross-contamination. Bollocks!
The Grumpy Team is far more concerned about the rights and freedoms already being eroded by the freedoms and privileges currently enjoyed by louts, villains, homicidal maniacs, terrorists and juvenile snots. We'll ensure the DNA of anybody and everybody whose feet ever touch British soil will be permanently recorded on our national database. Our Boys in Blue will know who, when and how anybody and everybody enters or leaves our shores. Records will be shared with all governments who pay something more than lip service to protecting their citizens from louts, villains, homicidal maniacs, terrorists and juvenile snots.

17th – Most public sector employees are entitled to a highly desirable index linked pension based on their final salary – which private sector workers fund to the tune of £20 billion annually. This perk may have been justified when public sector salaries were inferior to those paid to private sector employees (and people didn't live for so long) but now, if anything, public sector salaries are superior to those paid in the private sector. The government made a half-hearted attempt to revise the pension arrangements for new employees in the public sector but, ever-fearful of upsetting the unions and losing votes, jobs and crucial financial support, beat an ignominious retreat. This totally unacceptable and unsustainable arrangement will almost certainly continue to be a drain on the private sector until the Grumpy Party seizes power. We'll immediately stop offering unsustainable pensions to all new public sector employees and freeze the salaries of all existing employees until parity exists between public and private sector salaries.

16th – The 'Wild Runts' gang consisted of two girls and seven boys aged between twelve and sixteen. They intimidated local residents by hurling abuse, damaging cars, and burning property. After months of complaints they were finally apprehended, named and shamed, threatened with jail and given ASBOS. The severity of their punishment will, no doubt, cause each and every one of these little maggots to morph into model citizens. Bollocks! The Grumpies promise to put the living shits up each and every juvenile snot who even thinks about making a nuisance of themselves.

13th – It's been suggested that pubs/clubs should stop giving free drinks to women. The drinks industry object to this suggestion on the basis that many pubs and bars are struggling to stay in business. So what! Any organisation incapable of trading without having to resort to shovelling excess amounts of alcohol down the throats of our fair young maidens should be fined and allowed to rot. The Grumpy Team will, immediately after having seized power, swiftly reduce binge-drinking by stopping 24 hour drinking. We'll also authorize our Boys in Blue to hose down and jail drunken louts and tarts incapable of conducting themselves in public in a civilized manner. All police and hospital expenses will be shared between the nation's drunken sots and the drinks industry.

10th – Fears are being voiced that prison inmates aren't being properly controlled by prison staff. Apparently, limp-wristed liberals in the Prison Service are being blamed. When will these sissies and wimps learn that genuine self-respecting louts and villains would have far more respect for them and react far more favourably to their requests if they were subjected to an ever-so-caring but totally merciless regime of fear, pain, terror, deprivation and death.

9th – Britain is soon to free a terrorist who stormed the Iranian embassy 28 years ago. Iran have demanded his return to face trial for murder but he won't be deported due to human rights issues. Instead, he'll continue to be an on-going burden upon the British taxpayer. The Grumpies promise to put an end to this totally insufferable bleeding-heart liberal nonsense.

9th – £53 million was paid last year by British taxpayers to drivers and their ambulance-chasing lawyers who reckoned pot-holes etc. in the road were to blame for damaging their vehicles. Guess how much of that money related to spurious claims made by lying thieving cheating opportunists and their lawyers?

8th – Ealing Council pay £12,458 a month (five times the normal commercial rate) to house an Afghan mother and her seven children in a seven bedroom house. Forgive my cynicism but bribery, corruption and crass stupidity were the first things which sprang to mind when I heard that employees of the Ealing council and a private landlord were behind this odious arrangement. Do we really live in a world where immigrant families (or indeed any families) are actually receiving £170,000 a year in benefits from the public purse? And what dick-head decreed that every child over a certain age must have their own bedroom at our expense?

7th – Hook-handed Abu Hamza serving a seven-year sentence for hate crimes is also wanted in the U.S for alleged terror offences. It's already cost us Brits £2.75 million in benefits, legal fees and prison costs to accommodate this man. We can now look forward to forking out an additional £250,000 (in addition to all ongoing benefits to which he's entitled) to fund his fight to avoid extradition. Has everybody in this country gone stark staring barmy? The Grumpies, immediately after having seized power, will ensure all unsavoury criminals are swiftly returned to their country of origin, regardless of what fate awaits them.

5th – The Black Police Association called for black recruits to boycott the Metropolitan Police. Is this the act of responsible officers primarily concerned with the welfare of their members and the reputation of the organisation which employs them, or is it the sort of act one might expect from overly sensitive/opportunist troublemakers ever-eager to pollute a free society. One thing is for sure. The Grumpies will support any government which acts decisively to ensure the Metropolitan Police isn't dancing to the tune of politically correct opportunists whose agenda has little or nothing to do with making our Boys in Blue, whatever their race, proud of who they are and what they do.