Friday 13th January 2012 – Education Secretary Michael Gove wanted to say: ”Useless, incompetent teachers will be booted into touch so quickly their feet won’t touch the ground.” What he actually said, in order to properly observe the hypocritical crap-speak required by the politically correct, and keep his job was: “Schools need to be able to dismiss more quickly those teachers who, despite best efforts, do not perform to the expected standard. Future employers also need to know more about the strengths and weaknesses of teachers they are potentially employing.” The Grumpy Team agree but the teaching unions are, of course, demanding that the nation must put the interests of their members, no matter how incompetent, before the proper education of our children. They consider Gove’s measures to be totally unnecessary, draconian even, and intend to “vigorously” oppose what they consider to be a bully’s charter for evil headmasters. Bollocks! Truth is, what we are witnessing here is yet another blatant example of an influential minority group wilfully pursuing their own totally selfish objectives to the detriment of all decent hardworking folk – and an Apathetic Majority who continue to sit on their arses and let them get away with it.

Tuesday 10th January 2012 – Scottish first minister Alex Salmond announced his decision to hold a referendum in the autumn of 2014 on independence for Scotland. He sincerely believes that all decent hardworking Scots will benefit from being independent. Bollocks! Truth is, the sudden shock of occupying a prestigious position that allowed him to mingle with quality folk above his station has blown poor Alex’s mind. And now he doesn’t give a shit about anything other than soaking up lots more of the same sort of heady stuff. No problem. The Grumpy Team will, discretely and ever-so-caringly, have him put down.

Thursday 5th January 2012 – Diane Abbott sent a tweet saying, amongst other things, that ’white people love to divide and rule.’ Demands for Diane’s resignation were instantly made from the more seriously deranged. Politically correct fuck-wets infesting the Lying Mad-Dog Media immediately crawled from beneath their stones to demand (and receive) lengthy apologies from our nothing-better-to-do-with-their-time political leaders. Fat-fingered lawyers, trembling with ill-concealed excitement at the prospect of trousering a few extra quid, joyfully discussed the prospect of burying Diane in racist litigation on behalf of any white person prepared to lie on oath about the extent to which their lives had been financially blighted by Diane’s life-threatening awfully racist remarks. And the 4,000 little Munchkins who are about to die today in abject misery, poverty, filth, and extremes of loneliness and pain in some godforsaken shit-heap somewhere in the world have all sent sincere condolences to every prick and prickesses in Britain to whom this sort of crapshit is important.

Wednesday 28th December 2011 – Cameron is now talking tough about introducing a minimum price by which alcohol can be sold. This will prevent thousands of binge-drinkers and obese folk from dying prematurely each year from alcohol poisoning. Bollocks! Truth is, alternative sources of booze will easily be located or created. No problem. The Grumpy Team’s solution will be to target the drunks, not the drink. Binge-drinkers who make a nuisance of themselves will be whisked off and treated to some very disagreeable aversion therapy in a Grumpy Subterranean Centre of Excellence. Fat-fuckers will be given the opportunity to ’volunteer’ to serve time on The Grumpy Wheel.
Note: More than a million people were admitted to hospital this year for drink-related problems. It’s costing the taxpayer £billions. 

Saturday 24th December 2011 – Everybody knows the business community must be encouraged to create new jobs and wealth to help our failing economy. So, one can safely assume our government will be doing everything and more to encourage the nation’s job and wealth creators. Bollocks! The reverse is true. Civitas, an independent think tank, has today revealed that the burden on businesses attempting to comply with last year’s Equality Act will actually hold back Britain’s growth and cost jobs. Yet another example of how The Equality and Human Rights Commission, whilst blindly pursuing its politically correct equality, diversity and rights without responsibility crusade, is burying our business community in bureaucratic regulations.
No problem. The Grumpy will decommission the EHRC.

Monday 12th December 2011 - The Financial Services Authority finally presented their 452-page report about how the taxpayer came to assume some £50 billion pounds worth of liabilities when the Royal Bank of Scotland collapsed. Although the nation has been privy to (and been sickened by) the unsurpassed levels of blatant irresponsibility and greed on the part of City fat cats, the Enforcement Division of the FSA concluded: “There were not grounds for bringing enforcement actions which had a reasonable chance of success.” In other words, despite City fat cats being largely to blame for bringing our economy to a virtual standstill, none of these wolves in sheep’s clothing will ever be brought to justice. The legal profession effectively guarantees them immunity from prosecution by insisting, as they’ve successfully been doing for generations, that the letter of the law must be given preference over the spirit/intent of the law. FSA Chairman Adair Turner said: “The fact that no individual has been found legally responsible for the failure begs the question: if action cannot be taken under existing rules, should not the rules be changed for the future?” No problem. The Grumpy Team’s slightly controversial new ‘Intent’ law isn’t just an additional law; it presages a sea change destined to prevent that most influential of money-grubbing minority groups, the legal profession, from using and abusing our laws to their advantage and the nation’s disadvantage.

Wednesday 7th December 2011 – It was revealed today that thousands of workers on the public sector payroll aren’t working for the public at all – they’re actually union representatives whose salaries (nearly £113 million annually) are being paid by the taxpayer. This revelation was clearly a huge shock to our political fraternity. Bollocks! Truth is, everybody but the Apathetic Majority have been aware of this ‘arrangement’ for years. This bizarre accommodation is yet another example of how influential minority groups get to be so influential. The £113 million the unions save in salaries enable them to prop up the Labour Party and still have plenty left over to buy their way into the corridors of power where they can pursue their own totally selfish agenda by persuading, threatening or bribing all the other power-crazed maniacs.

Monday 5th December 2011 – The Guardian newspaper and their left-wing chums at the London School of Economics would have us believe that poverty was the principal cause of the August 2011 riots. So they selected 270 rioters who would agree with them and produced a totally unbiased report confirming that poverty was the principal cause of the riots. Bollocks! Truth is, there were all manner of reasons that precipitated those riots, all of them obvious. However, the biggest and most obvious reason was the fact that all villains, louts and juvenile snots experience, rightly so, nothing but utter contempt/scorn for parents, teachers and society at large for lacking the sense or the balls to keep them in line with a range of meaningful punishments. No problem. I don’t anticipate our ever-so-caring but totally merciless new fear, pain, terror, deprivation and death regime will cause all young rebels-without-a-cause to want to become model citizens overnight but I can promise you most of them will think twice before taking to the streets – and all of them will evidence considerably more respect for parents, teachers, our Boys and Girls in Blue and society at large.

Monday 5th December 2011 – An unbelievable 66% of those participating in the August 2011 riots have been identified as requiring special education needs. 33% said they’d willingly participate in any further riots. 49% said they didn’t feel part of British society. Many said they were angry about perceived social and economic injustice, lack of jobs, benefit cuts, increased university fees and the closure of youth services. Clearly, the tens of £billions of taxpayer’s money currently allocated to their education and welfare needs just aren’t enough. They need more. Much more. But there ain’t any more. And anyway, the British taxpayer wouldn’t allow it even if there were. Realistic alternatives must be considered. No problem. Responsible members of the political elite and the well-intentioned farts and fartesses who pull their strings now recognise how desperate is the situation; that they must swiftly introduce a number of initiatives – each and every one of which will undoubtedly put the living shits up all the nation’s bleeding heart equality, diversity and rights without responsibility extremists. Bollocks! Truth is, they haven’t and they won’t.

Friday 2nd December 2011 – I briefed a solicitor earlier in the week to buy a property. Today I received a package from them that contained, amongst other things, instructions that had to be met in order to meet Money Laundering requirements. They included me having to personally attend their offices with a company registration certificate, a list of names and addresses of my co-directors and certified copies of theirs and my passports along with current utility bills. That procedure is duplicated millions of time all over Britain as honest folk go about their everyday business. These procedures will ensure criminals don’t get to spend their ill-gotten gains and/or will help to identify and arrest them. Bollocks! Truth is, any self-respecting criminal able to make off with hundreds of thousands of pounds is more than capable of circumnavigating any obstacle dreamed up by some civil servant prick or prickess with nil experience of how the criminal mind works. Worse, applying these Money Laundering procedures is damaging our economy by reducing the speed and increasing the cost of every transaction. And who knows how many extra forests are being decimated to generate copies of all this extra stuff or how many more warehouses have to be built to store it. Something else. These procedures are preventing £trillions of bent money from being recirculated within the public arena. Criminals aren’t attempting to use their ill-gotten gains to increase their net worth (and create more jobs) by investing in profitable construction and manufacturing projects, they’re salting it away in non-perishable investments like diamonds and works of art or secreting it in the vaults of offshore banks for a rainy day – safe but not adding value to anything for anybody.

No problem. The Grumpy Team will give the economy a kick-start and swiftly create thousands of new jobs by scrapping all this Money Laundering paperwork nonsense. Big-time criminals are always going to be with us. Why shouldn’t they be allowed to make a contribution to the economy? I wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t end up paying more taxes on their profits than the fat-cat villains currently running our major companies – and give more generously to charity.

Thursday 1st December 2011 – Jeremy Clarkson was encouraged on a BBC talk show to make a satirical/amusing comment about the public sector workers efforts to bring Britain to a standstill. Instead, Clarkson chose, for once in his life, to make a serious comment and said: “I would take them outside and execute them in front of their families. I mean, how dare they go on strike when they’ve got these gilt-edged pensions that are going to be guaranteed while the rest of us have to work for a living?” Dave Prentis, general secretary of Unison, speaking on behalf of all politically correct equality, diversity and human rights fuck-wets said: “Clarkson’s comments on The One Show were totally outrageous, and they cannot be tolerated. An apology is not enough – we are calling on the BBC to sack Jeremy Clarkson immediately. We are seeking urgent legal advice about what further action we can take against him and the BBC, and whether or not his comments should be referred to the police.” Dave was ecstatic to learn that this childishly petulant outburst tipped the scales in his favour for coveted inclusion in our Grumpy ‘Whack a Wanker Week’ register.

Thursday 1st December 2011 – “Hey Abdul, why ain’t you still practicing blowing yourself up? Just because we’ve got shadow culture secretary Harriet Harman doing a fabulous job of bringing the British business community to a standstill and that prick Ed Balls and his horrible wife doing everything and more to plunge Britain into further debt doesn’t mean they ain’t gonna need the support of quality folk like you every now and then.”

Wednesday 30th November 2011 – Leaders of the ’Let’s Ruin Britain’s Economy’ sector of the TUC persuaded public sector workers to strike today. They succeeded in closing most of our schools and decimating hospital and ambulance services etc. The strike was justified because public sector workers’ salaries/pensions compare very unfavourably with those working in the private sector. Bollocks! Truth is, the strike wasn’t justified. Salaries and pensions in the public sector far exceed those in the private sector, thanks to the bullyboy negotiating tactics over the years by the unions – aided and abetted by the soft underbelly reaction of the I-don’t-give-a-shit-because-it-ain’t-my-money attitude of public sector management.

No problem. Privileged positions have already been reserved in the Grumpy Pie-in-the-Sky-Factory for all power-crazed union leaders with anarchist leanings.

Monday 21st November 2011 – An appeal court overturned the conviction of a black youth previously convicted for swearing at police officers whilst being searched for drugs. Judge Bean, desperate to be included in the Grumpies Whack a Wanker Week Register, said our Boys and Girls in Blue were so used to being repeatedly sworn at by juvenile snots that only the sissies, wimps and pansies amongst them could possibly have experienced any feelings of ‘harassment, alarm or distress.’ Since this is also patently true of anybody having been repeatedly robbed, beaten to a pulp or gang-banged, the legal arm of the liberal intelligentsia and their ambulance chasing legal chums are now pressing hard to overturn the convictions (and to award appropriate compensation) of the tens of thousands of louts, villains and homicidal maniacs who have been wrongly convicted.
Note – Our Boys and Girls in Blue have been formally advised by their bosses not to arrest any of the scumbags who verbally abuse them because our courts won’t accept that such abuse will have created a sense of harassment, alarm or distress within them.

Wednesday 16th November 2011 – Everybody is running about like a chicken with no head because everybody fears that Greece or Italy or Spain may default and start a run. It’s a confidence thing. Problem is, every European leader, including our own, comes out of the same liberal intelligentsia sissy wimp and loser stable. They all know what has to be done but not one of them has the authority or the balls to get on and do it. Truth is, since the European Central Bank is the only institutions capable of seriously being considered a potential lender of last resort to nations unable to borrow from the private sector, our ‘leaders’ should authorize the European Central Bank to step up and guarantee, loudly and clearly, that sufficient funds will be available to support the Euro – no fail. Obviously, every member would have to submit to more rigorous financial controls but then, having regained market confidence, we could all relax and get on with building our respective economies. But it ain’t gonna happen.
No problem. The Grumpy Team will put it all back for them after it’s fallen apart.

Wednesday November 16th 2011 – Our Boys and Girls in Blue were given a bollocking for not preventing the spread of the recent riots by leaping in and beating the living shit out of the first wave of scumbag looters and pillagers. So, Scotland Yard decided that rubber bullets will, henceforth, be used by the police to defend themselves and the public from violent demonstrators. This strategy, heartily welcomed by all decent hardworking folk, appears to have offended the student rights-without-responsibility fraternity. In fact it provoked the leaders of yet another student demonstration to threaten members of the public with even more mayhem from out-of-control students.

No problem. Immediately after seizing power, the Grumpy Team will remove the right of desperate-for-attention minority groups to destroy our cities. Instead, we’ll allocate a suitable field or stadium or perhaps The Grumpy Arena for them to vent their spleen. Participants and/or the wealthy snake-in the-grass extremists who invariably lurk in the background pulling the strings of the easily led will, of course, pay for the venue hire, for any police presence and for all direct and indirect costs associated with their demonstration. Chances are, the deeply held views/opinions of those desirous of bringing our cities to a standstill and/or completely wrecking them will become less deeply held when they become aware that they, rather than the taxpayer, have to pay for the privilege of imposing their totally selfish views/opinions on the rest of us.

Wednesday 9th November 2011 Education Secretary Michael Gove now has to offer generous bursaries to top graduates to persuade them to become teachers. This is because teachers work harder and longer than other professions. Bollocks! Truth is, the reason top graduates are reluctant to become teachers is because they know that out-of-control juvenile snots can make their lives a total misery in the classroom. Worse, their careers, particularly those of male teachers, can be brought to an abrupt halt at any time by spurious allegations made by lying scumbag children. No problem. Michael (a very good man) has, wisely, been seeking advice from the Grumpy Team about how best to revolutionise education. He’s very impressed with some of our educational policies/strategies.

Monday 7th November 2011 – Head of the Chinese overseas investment arm Jin Liqun is reluctant to prop up the Euro. Apparently, the Chinese reckon Europeans to be slothful and indolent; that we need to kick our labour laws and welfare culture into touch. I’m aware the self-appointed protectors of our human rights consider China to be somewhat wanting on the human rights front but, given they’re £trillions in credit and both the West and the USA are £trillions in debt, maybe we should spend more time learning from them than preaching to them.

Saturday 5th November 2011 – PM Cameron is building up a head of steam about all the good things that are going to happen as a result of the concessions he’s going to demand for Britain at any EU shake-up. Bollocks! Truth is, if Cameron makes too much of a nuisance of himself Germany, amongst others, would seriously consider drawing up a new treaty that would exclude Britain.

Thursday 3rd November 2011 – Premier League manager Neil Warnock has been accused of homophobia. He said, in an unguarded moment on a BBC sports programme, that his team were playing ‘like fairies.’ That was enough to precipitate a flood of frantic calls from the nation’s politically correct equality, diversity and human rights fuck-wets to the BBC’s complaint’s department. No doubt their contact details will be forwarded to us by one of our fifth-column plants in the BBC for inclusion in the already swollen pages of the Grumpy Team’s ever-so-popular Whack-a-Wanker-Week register.

Tuesday 1st November 2011 – “Please, please, please Mr Stokes,” screamed Greek Prime Minister George Papandreou, “What am I to do? Everybody in Greece is blaming me for them having to start living within their means.  And now they’re even more upset because they’ve been given the opportunity to vote in a referendum. They’re going to crucify me. Please, I beg of you, tell them it was you who suggested I organise a referendum for them so that when the shit hits the fan I could blame everything on them.”

Monday 31st October 2011 – Home Secretary Theresa May accuses Britain’s blatantly liberal judges of ignoring the intent of The Human Rights Act related to Article 8 that deals with the right to respect for private and family life. The British public, to a man, want illegal immigrants deported, particularly those convicted of a serious crime. So does our Home Secretary. So does our Prime Minister. But our judges don’t give a shit. They continue to hand down even more lenient interpretations of this law than was ever intended by the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg. Problem is, unlike the GOMPP, Cameron can’t afford to risk upsetting one of the most influential and powerful minority groups in the land.

Monday 24th October 2011- The Mail Online reported, so it must be true, that Mrs O’Donnell, a black woman, was ‘shocked and upset’ by the sight of a golliwog in the window of white woman Mrs Mason. So she complained to the police and Mrs Mason was charged, bailed and scheduled to stand trial for displaying an item likely to cause racially aggravated harassment. Chris McCann, head of the complex casework unit at the East of England Crown Prosecution Service, said that a review had been carried out at the highest level and it had finally been decided to dismiss the case since it wasn’t possible to prove Mrs Mason was the person who actually placed the doll in a position likely to expose Mrs O’Donnell to racially-aggravated harassment, alarm or distress. But he was concerned that this case has caused the O’Donnell family a great deal of upset and met with them to explain the reasons for not pursuing a prosecution. So that’s what people in the East of England get up to. No problem. Although covens of politically correct persons who make a living feeding off those who consider themselves to be socially challenged still exist, their days are numbered. Names are already being entered in the Grumpy’s Whack a Wanker Week register.

Saturday 10th October 2011 - Protesters are now gathering around stock exchanges and financial centres worldwide. They’re blaming greedy bankers for ruining the economy. The protesters are angry because, whilst being asked to accept a reduction in their own standard of living, the very Fat Cats they hold responsible for Britain’s economic decline continue to award themselves huge bonuses and outrageously high salaries. One can argue the finer points about all that but, essentially, it’s true. Either way, the demonstrators have made the political elite sit up and take notice. The government will now move swiftly to cap the salaries/bonuses awarded to non-entrepreneurial executives, charge everybody with sedition who was involved in the creation and marketing those wicked instruments of toxic debt and claw back from them and their families every last penny they gained from their treasonable transactions. Bollocks! Truth is, none of that is going to happen. No political party other than the GOMPP would dare. The legal profession, the most influential minority group in the land, would be all over them like a rash to uphold the letter of the law related to the terms and conditions of employment these parasites have secured from one another. So would the European Court of Human Rights. No problem. The Grumpy Team is already putting the frighteners on both the legal profession and the ECHR.

Friday 14th October – Minister of Defence Liam Fox resigned today. He seems a nice enough guy but, chances are, either he or his chum Werrity were slipping insider defence information to those likely to benefit from such information or Werrity was doing it without Fox being aware of it. Either way, Liam’s position has clearly become untenable. No need for the Grumpy Team to do anything to discourage politicians from indulging in insider trading other than arrange to have those who do so to be quietly executed in an ever-so-caring and environmentally friendly manner.

Thursday 13th October 2011 – Cameron is talking tough about gangs. The Home Office has even scheduled an international gangs conference for today. Bill Bratton, former New York and Los Angeles police chief, has been asked to advise. A comprehensive report will follow, sometime in the future, full of sensible, constructive strategies that will limit the damage gangs can inflict upon society. These strategies will be swiftly implemented. Bollocks! See Gesture Politics.

Wednesday 12th October 2011 – Jack Straw is outraged and disgusted. He’s the last one to find out that lawyers and money-grabbing claims companies are engaged in a parasitic cash-for-contacts referrals fee racket. It’s costing motorists an additional £2 billion annually in unnecessary insurance fees. “It’s blatant bribery,” says Jack. Well said Jack. He’s clearly going to persuade all his mates to rise up as one and swiftly put a stop to this appalling practice. Bollocks! Truth is, Jack, like most politicians, is fearful of upsetting the influential minority groups who are making big money from these something-for-nothing compensation scams. He knows his party might lose votes and financial support if he does anything to upset them. I’m sorry Jack. Personally, I think you’re a nice guy but knowingly allowing these scumbags to continue to engage in institutional bribery and corruption smacks of treason. And you know what the Grumpy Team has in store for anybody found indulging in treason.

Thursday 6th October 2011 – Luisa Berg, a £26,000 a year manager for a small music company, contacted her boss after seven months maternity leave to discuss the possibility of returning on a part-time rather than a full-time basis. She says he wasn’t prepared to meet her requirements and, since her lawyer would have advised her of any and all legal protocols the company would have inadvertently failed to properly observe, she’s now suing him for direct and indirect sex discrimination, failing to provide her with flexible working hours and failing to provide her with properly written terms of employment. And she’s claiming the same £1,000 bonus other members of the staff received whilst she was on maternity leave. Maybe she’s a super young lady entitled 100% to everything and mores she’s claiming. I don’t know. What I do know is that it’s going to be a total nightmare for the owner-manager of the company, whatever the outcome. So does every other owner manager of the nation’s 4.7 million small companies. That’s why most of them are reluctant to employ women. Who can blame them?

Saturday 1st October 2011 – The new European Union Agency Workers Regulations (AWR) came into effect today. Union bosses are pleased. They know it will help create more jobs for decent hardworking folk, reduce bureaucracy within the business community and help Britain become more competitive. Bollocks! They know the reverse is true.

Monday 26th September 2011 – Cricketing legend Sir Ian Botham today advocated the use of the cane to discipline the nation’s juvenile snots. You can imagine the expression of complete and utter joy on his little face when he was told that his efforts to qualify to assume Coveted Grumpy Arsehole Status had finally paid off.

Thursday 22nd September 2011 – Britain borrowed an additional £22 billion pounds in August. That’s £2 billion more than the amount borrowed in August 2010. No problem. Our leaders can always borrow more money to fund all the inalienable rights, freedoms and privileges we’ve bestowed upon ourselves. Bollocks! Truth is, they can’t. The well is already dry. And what’s the betting, when the economy collapses and we’re all starving, it’ll be the politically correct bleeding heart equality, diversity and human rights fuck-wets who’ll be first over the fence to eat their neighbours.’

Wednesday 21st September 2011 – A 24-year old Nigerian, convicted of rape in 2002, won his initial appeal against deportation. This, however, was overturned by a tribunal because of the nature and seriousness of the crime. His subsequent application to the Court of Appeal was thrown out but now, after eight years, the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg has ruled that deporting him would breach his right under article 8 of the right to a ‘private and family life’ (he’s unmarried and has no children) and awarded him £3500. Fortunately, both the Prime Minister and Home Secretary are committed to preventing this flagrant exploitation of the Human Rights Act, all paid for by the British taxpayer They’re going to examine the legal definition of the right to a ‘private and family life.’ This will swiftly put a stop to all this nonsense. Bollocks! It won’t. Truth is, fat-fingered lawyers, having successfully prevented nearly 200 foreign criminals from being deported in 2010 by invoking article 8, are anticipating a bumper 2011 season. Does anybody seriously imagine the legal profession is going to allow the likes of David Cameron or Theresa May to stop them exploiting the law to their advantage and the nation’s disadvantage? No problem. The GOMPP will, immediately after seizing power, delight everybody other than the nation’s lawyers by imposing a number of ever-so-interesting reforms upon the legal profession.

Wednesday 14th September 2011 – Harriet (let’s ruin Britain’s business community) Harman listened, spellbound, to Ed Milliband announce at PM’s question time that women’s unemployment is at its highest level for twenty-three years; that the public sector is firing far more women than men and the private sector doesn’t appear to be rushing forward to employ them. Harriet, along with the fanatical feminist sector of the Lying-Mad Dog will, having laboured mightily for so many years to frighten off millions of small companies from ever wanting to employ women, will be racked with guilt and shame for the misery now being experienced by so many decent hardworking women. Bollocks! Truth is, they don’t give a shit about decent hardworking women. They’ve always had their own totally selfish agendas. Ruining the job prospects of decent hardworking women just represented a means to an end – creating jobs for themselves or venting some of those disturbingly unhealthy obsessions and fantasies that clearly lurk within them and dominate their every action. No problem. The Grumpy Team will, immediately after seizing power, pave the way for all women to more easily secure suitable jobs. We’ll swiftly introduce initiatives that will relieve them of the many and varied burdens imposed upon them by feminist bigots which rendered them virtually unemployable – including Harriet’s many positive (racist) discrimination practices.

Wednesday 14th September 2011 – Union leaders, some with unashamedly anarchistic leanings, attempted at the TUC conference today to persuade delegates (many of whom collect their ‘shilling’ from the taxpayer) to organise public sector workers to rise up as one and relive their glory days by bringing the nation to it’s knees come November. And why not? Britain already has to pay £120 million a day interest on the £2.26 trillium pounds we’ve already spent indulging the inalienable rights of its inhabitants to have more – of everything. Why stop now?

Friday 9^th September 2011- Prime Minister David Cameron said he didn’t like the fact that so many schools had abandoned sports days because they didn’t want any little munchkin to experience what it felt like to lose. Wow! That should put the living shits up each and every sissy, wimp, and loser responsible for depriving our kids of a bit of harmless competitive fun on their annual sports day. Bollocks! Truth is, the nation’s Real Men and Women would have been far more impressed if, visibly seething with rage, Cameron had made a statement to the nation promising he would, within one week, track down every man Jack and Jackess of these simpering cretins and ship them to a holding pen – prior to them being featured large in one of the Grumpy’s less amusing Whack-a-Wanker-Week extravaganzas. Do we really live in a society where such pathetic creatures can walk our streets without attracting a constant barrage of scorn, contempt and derision from decent hard-working folk?

Thursday 8th September 2011 – ‘Innocent‘ Baha Mousa, an Iraqi prisoner, died in custody in 2003. Naturally, the self-flagellation sector of the bleeding heart liberal intelligentsia demanded the incident merited a full public enquiry into the behaviour of our brave Boys and Girls in this war zone incident. So a 1,400-page report was compiled by the legal profession over the years costing the British taxpayer in excess of £13 million pounds (in addition to the £millions paid in compensation). It concluded that Baha died as a result of a combination of his weakened physical state and a final struggle with his guards. Much, of course, was made by compensation lawyers of the prisoner’s 93 injuries, the most serious of which appeared to be fractured ribs and a broken nose. This, though far less serious than the sort of injuries untold numbers of thugs are regularly allowed to inflict upon Britain’s innocent crippled old ladies whilst beating them to a pulp, was considered just cause by the Lying Mad-Dog Media to blacken the name, worldwide, of all the fine men and women in our armed forces who regularly put their lives on the line for us. Whilst no decent Brit would condone unnecessary violence in any shape or form it would be nice if someone told the nation’s sissies wimps and losers that most of us are totally pissed off with them spending so much of our money promoting their own sanctimonious proclivities. So I have.

Wednesday 7th September 2011 - The nations politically correct bleeding heart equality, diversity and rights without responsibility fuck-wets are in denial. Heads buried deep within arseholes they slither hither and thither pretending they had nothing to do with the recent riots in Britain. Bollocks! Truth is, they had everything and more to do with the riots and everybody knows it. No problem. The Guardian, along with their lefty London School of Economics pals, have pledged to spend £zillions over the next few months producing the first ‘empirical study into rioting and looting.’ Researchers will interview hundreds of people and conduct an advanced analysis of more than 2.5million riot-related Twitter messages. Smart move. It will allow the slime-bag liberal intelligentsia to defer the justifiable wrath of the nation by playing the ‘we’re unable to comment’ card whilst waiting for the definitive results of their ever-so-intelligent-and-lengthy in-depth enquiry.

Wednesday 7th September 2011 – “Our penal system is broken,” screamed justice secretary Ken Clarke after learning that 75% of adults charged with offences committed in the recent riots already had a prior conviction. Bollocks! Truth is, our penal system isn’t broken. It’s just not fit for purpose. No self-respecting lout or villain ever thinks twice about going about their business of robbing and beating defenceless old crippled woman to a pulp. Why should they? Our penal system holds no fear for them since well-intentioned farts and fartesses systematically stripped any and all forms of meaningful punishment from it. No problem. Immediately after seizing power The GOMPP will allow them preferential access to our ever-so-caring version of the wet rattan cane experience. Anybody who doubts the re-offending rate won’t immediately plummet should check how many times Michael Fay has thought about re offending, let alone actually re-offend, since being on the receiving end off six lashes of a rattan cane, Singapore style, in 1994. Take heed, fellow Apathetic Arseholers all. Recidivism will continue to flourish until such time as politicians grasp the nettle and impose a level of physical punishment upon louts and villains that just thinking about it will cause their bowels to immediately void. When are those political sissies, wimps and losers going to stop talking tough and actually start being tough?

Wednesday 7th September 2011 – Justice secretary Ken Clarke wrote in the Guardian: “The general recipe for a productive member of society is no secret. It has not changed since I was inner-cities minister 25 years ago. It’s about having a job, a strong family, a decent education and beneath it all, an attitude that shares in the values of mainstream society. What is different now is that a growing minority of people in our nation lack all of those things and indeed, have substituted an inflated sense of expectation for a commitment to hard graft.” What Ken omitted to say was that the direct cause of the appalling state he described must be laid fairly and squarely at the door of the nations politically correct bleeding heart equality, diversity and rights without responsibility advocates.

Friday 2nd September 2011 – “The use of torture is wrong and never justified,” said Baroness Eliza Manningham-Buller, former head of MI5, in her address to the nation via her BBC Radio Reith lecture. “It should be utterly rejected even when it may offer the prospect of saving lives.” Shami Chakrabarti, director of human rights organisation Liberty, added her bit by pronouncing that the United Kingdom should not legitimise torture by accepting evidence gained in such a manner (even if we didn’t actually do the torturing). So, that’s that. Those of us, the majority, who hoped the political elite might be prepared to get their hands a wee bit dirty in order to prevent our innocent little Munchkins from being poisoned, asphyxiated, shredded, nuked or just plain mutilated by terrorists, should get used to turning the other cheek. But wait. Eliza is also known, from leaked documents to the Law Lords, to have stated that obtaining information from foreign intelligence agencies (who routinely use torture) was vital in fighting terrorism. And that, contrary to the lying propaganda disseminated by the nation’s wimps sissies and losers, detainee reporting “has proven to be accurate and may enable lives to be saved”. Either way, smug-fucker pacifists aren’t ever going to stop Real Men doing whatever needs to be done to protect our innocent little Munchkin from over-exuberant religious maniacs. Or are they?
Note:- Manningham-Buller gave a speech in 2006 in which she warned that her office was tracking 30 terror plots and 200 groupings or networks totalling over 1,600 individuals. She warned that the threat may “I suggest will” include the use of chemicals, bacteriological agents, radioactive materials and even nuclear technology. (See Wikipedia). The situation, presumably, is much improved since then. Bollocks!

Monday 22nd August 2011 - The Prime Minister, in the wake of the recent riots, is promising to do something useful about altering the pain-free rights without responsibility culture imposed upon us by coalition partner Clegg and the self-appointed protectors of our human rights who support him. Bollocks! Truth is, the bureaucrats and lawyers in both Britain and Brussels who control us will continue to insist that the letter rather than the spirit/intent of the law continues to be blindly observed at all times. It’s a money and power thing. No problem.  Sixteen million Apathetic Arseholers are, even as I speak, occupying the premises of the Law Society. They’re ‘talking’ to fat-fingered lawyers about their traitorous conduct.

Tuesday August 16th 2011 – Call-me-Dave blames a culture of laziness, irresponsibility and selfishness for fuelling the four days of looting and fire-bombing in our cities which ended the lives of five people, cost the taxpayer hundreds of million of pounds and resulted in thousands facing criminal charges. “This riot has been a wake-up call for our country,” he said. “Social problems that have been festering for decades have exploded in our face. We have been too unwilling for too long to talk about what is right and what is wrong.” Cameron doesn’t believe that racial tension, poverty or the government’s austerity program caused the riots. The cause, he said, “Were deep-rooted social issues which Britain’s leaders have indulged – sometimes even incentivized: children without fathers; schools without discipline; reward without effort; crime without punishment; rights without responsibilities; communities without control; a parlous welfare system and gang-related crime.” He said “Moral decline and bad behaviour is not limited to a few of the poorest parts of our society but is widespread amongst those occupying the highest offices, the plushest boardrooms and the most influential jobs. Our society has for too long been one that incites laziness, that excuses bad behaviour, that erodes self-discipline, that discourages hard work.”

Wow! I couldn’t have put it better myself. He will now, presumably, having so clearly identified the causes of the nation’s malaise, sally forth and swiftly resolve our many and varied problems, right all wrongs and transform Britain into a winner Bollocks! Truth is, he can’t. Democratic government is the cause of our problems, not the solution. Think about it. Is the Democratic process going to allow any Prime Minister of whatever persuasion to introduce solutions to the nation’s problems that will ever (let alone swiftly) satisfy the diverse needs/demands of the liberal intelligentsia, the legal profession, the business community, the media, the socially challenged, the poor, the wealthy, the unemployed – and the majority of decent normal folk? No way. Democracy stinks. An ever-so-caring but totally merciless Dictator is now required to prevent antisocial varieties and selfish opportunists continuing to feast on Britain’s soft underbelly.

Tuesday 16th August 2011 – Ed Miliband, the Peoples Prat, apparently unaware of what might possibly have caused the riots, hopes to waste zillions more time, effort and money by calling for a full public enquiry. Worse, in a desperate bid to curry favour with the nation’s socially challenged, and gain coveted Grumpy ‘Wanker of the Week’ recognition, he’s also advocating that ‘listening’ to the views of louts, villains and juvenile snots should feature large in any such enquiry.

Monday 15th August 2011 – 34 year-old unmarried mother-of-ten Moira Pearce, whose children were fathered by four ex-partners, has been nominated Grumpy ‘Role Model of the Month’ for leading the way in a bold new initiative to help transform Britain into a winner. Moira, having undergone a simple ten-minute sterilisation procedure is recommending the procedure to others. The nomination received tumultuous applause from grateful taxpayers currently forking out in excess of £32,000 annually to provide food, clothing and shelter for Moira and her extended family.

Friday 12th August 2011 – Well-meaning farts and fartesses appear to be somewhat shocked by the brazen manner in which thousands of louts, villains and juvenile snots took to the streets and violently trashed, looted and firebombed our cities. “Why would our little Munchkins want to do this to us?” they wailed, tears streameing down the bewildered faces of single-parent families. Deputy Leader of the Labour Party Harriet (let’s ruin the business community) Harman knows why. With a look of sweet accord she said, “There’s a sense that louts, villains and juvenile snots feel they are not being listened to.” Bollocks! Truth is, far too much time is spent listening to these scumbag parasites. No problem. The very last thing the evil little scrotes will be thinking about, after being exposed to the Grumpies ever-so-caring new regime of fear, pain, terror, deprivation and death, is who might or might not be listening to them.

Wednesday 10th August 2011 – Good news. Our Boys and Girls in Blue have managed to avoid injuring any of the rioters who trashed, looted and fire-bombed our cities throughout the last four nights. Not a single policeman had to be suspended or face disciplinary procedures that would have inevitably ruined their careers; senior officers can be congratulated for steadfastly applying politically correct guidelines and policies. A public enquiry into police brutality has been avoided. Job well done. The liberal intelligentsia, along with the nation’s well-intentioned farts and fartesses, can stand tall, look one another squarely in the face and congratulate one another. Bollocks! Truth is, they should all be weeping tears of contrition for imposing a rights without responsibility regime upon us Brits that has empowered the nation’s lout, villains and juvenile snots to gain control of our streets and frighten crippled old ladies.

Wednesday 10th August 2011 – Camilla Batmanghelidjh, bless her heart, the founder of youth charities the Place2Be and Kids Company, said she’d met many young people who felt cut adrift from society and alienated – a disengagement that has led many of them to turn against the establishment. But that some of them, with the right sort of help, could be persuaded to change. I’m sure she’s right. Problem is, it will cost more money that Britain can or will want to afford and what about all those who don’t respond favourably to such help? I’m afraid nothing other than the sort of solutions offered by the Grumpy Team is going to persuade them to change.
Truth is, a decent, liberal society can only be maintained by punishing those who refuse to observe the ground rules

Wednesday 10th August 2011 - Looting, arson and violence continued, primarily in Manchester, Liverpool and Birmingham last night. Three men were mown down and killed by hooligans in a car. The 16,000 police (quadruple the usual force) deployed helped reduce the incidence of violence and looting in London. A total of 768 people have now been arrested and more than 160 people have been charged. But Home Secretary Theresa May told us today there’s no need for water cannons or rubber bullet etc.  “We need robust policing but the way we police in Britain is through consent of communities. Bollocks! Truth is, we’re policed in Britain by consent of a politically correct bleeding heart equality, diversity and human rights fuck-wet minority group that pull the strings of the political elite. These are the people who must shoulder, without equivocation, the responsibility for these riots. Fired with self-righteous zeal they created an irresponsible punishment free society which has become a breeding ground for work-shy spongers, louts, villains and juvenile snots who possess nil respect for authority and experience nothing but utter contempt or mild amusement at the sissy wrist-slapping efforts being made to get tough with them. No problem. The Grumpy Team, a bold and innovative new breed of exceptionally good-looking political tyrant will, immediately after having seized power, swiftly resolve the nation’s many and varied problems, right all wrongs and transform Britain into a winner by launching our ever-so-caring but totally merciless Attila-the-Hun style regime of fear, pain, terror, deprivation and death. I can promise you, our Annual Cull would have avoided the humiliation of decent hardworking folk being subjected to a bunch of (mostly black) juvenile snots brazenly strutting their stuff through our cities in a vicious killing, looting, maiming and burning spree.

Monday 8th August 2011 – The Grumpy Team’s campaign for kicking the Equality and Human Rights Commission into touch is gaining momentum. The Lying Mad-Dog Media has smelt blood and is now in hacking mode. Civitas (the Institute for the Study of Civil Society) has accused the EHRC of refusing Britain a fair hearing; of producing flawed statistical information biased to reflect their own prejudices; of irregular and questionable accounting practices; of focusing too narrowly on ‘rights’ and ignoring responsibilities; of overpaying senior executive and of wasting £millions. A spokesman from Civitas said: “The Commission’s goal of equality is impractical. It contributes very little to meaningful equality in Britain today and should be abolished.” MP Dominic Raab says: “The EHRC is costly and counter-productive. It’s fixation on positive discrimination and quotas is socially divisive and anti-meritocratic.” MP Prity Patel says: “I went through the EHRC annual report and the waste is unbelievable.” Matthew Sinclair of the Taxpayers’ Alliance, having asked Home Secretary and Equalities Minister Theresa May last October to disband the quango said: “The EHRC has mismanaged millions of pounds of taxpayers’ money too many times. It can’t be trusted.”
So, say goodbye to the Equality and Human Rights Commission.

Monday 8th August 2011 – Today, a mob took to the streets looting shops and breaking into homes, torching properties and cars as they went. 768 people have been arrested in total and more than 160 charged. “We need robust policing but we also need to ensure that justice is done through the courts,” screamed the nation’s farts and fartesses. “This will begin today.” Bollocks!

Saturday 6th August 2011 – A Peaceful protest about the shooting of gangster Mark Duggan by police marksmen rapidly descended into rioting and looting in Tottenham and throughout London. Nothing could be done to stop it. Bollocks! Truth is, plenty could have been done but nobody, other than the Grumpy Team, has the vision or the balls to do them.

Friday 5th August 2011 – Although Standard and Poor’s finally downgraded the American AAA rating today the damage had already been done. Stock markets worldwide, fearing neither banks nor governments could continue to support institutionalised borrowing, had already tumbled dramatically, largely precipitated by the Democratic and Republican parties in the USA playing chicken with their economy in the Senate – possibly the most blatant demonstration to date of the extent to which the political elite are prepared to pursue their own totally selfish party politics to the exclusion of all else.

Thursday 4th August 2011 - Germany: Magnus Gaefgen kidnapped and demanded a three million euro ransom before brutally strangling to death his 11-year old boy hostage. The police, having captured Gaefgen and believing the boy to still be alive, threatened to torture Gaefgen if he didn’t reveal the child’s whereabouts. Gaefgen’s lawyers went to bat for him and Judge Christoph Hefter, who considered him to have experienced ‘mental suffering,’ awarded him £3,000 compensation. Two policemen were fined and suspended after Judge Hefter told them they were guilty of serious law breaking. Most German taxpayers supported Hefter’s decision and were delighted to pay the £750,000 it cost for fat-fingered lawyers to pursue Gaefgen’s inalienable human rights through the courts. Bollocks! Truth is, the German people are as one with Britain and the rest of Europe. They, like us, bitterly resent their laws being used and abused by bleeding-heart human rights fuck-wets and their smart-arse lawyers. No problem for us Brits of course. All that sort of sissy stuff will disappear immediately after the GOMPP seize power. Torture will feature large in the Grumpy Team’s new ‘Tougher on Crime and the Causes of Crime’ code of best practice. Kidnappers will be granted privileged access to one of our more frightening but ever-so-clean Centres of Torment/Anguish where they’ll be ‘softened up’ prior to questioning.

Monday 1st August 2011 – “I told you it was a mistake,” screamed call-me-Dave. “I’m finished. That shit-for-brains Commons leader George Young has done for me. That poll he’s organised will cause the 75% of the public who support the death penalty to rise up and crucify me. And don’t look so fucking smug. If I go, I’m taking you down with me.”
“Give it a rest you pathetic prat.” snarled Cleggover. “Politicians have been filling the tiny little minds of all those dimwits with so much crap for so many years they don’t believe anything any of us say. And anyway, we can rig that poll to say whatever we want it to say.”

Thursday 28th July 2011 – Steve Hilton, call-me-Dave’s strategy director, considers scrapping maternity leave rights to be a major step toward reducing bureaucratic red tape and boosting economic growth. He thinks maternity rights are the single biggest obstacles to women securing a decent job. Nice one Steve! Apart from him receiving sixteen million letters of support from the Apathetic Majority (all fully paid up members of the GOMPP) to help compensate for the vitriol that will now be directed at him by the fanatical feminist sector of the Lying Mad-Dog Media, I’m coming under increasing pressure to allow Steve to assume Coveted Grumpy Arsehole Convert Status.

Monday 26th July 2011 – Work capability assessments made by the government have revealed that most of the 2.7 million Brits currently claiming disability benefits (because they’re incapable of working) are actually capable of working. But the nation’s well-intentioned farts and fartesses will, of course, continue to defend the inalienable rights of these maggots to demand money from the taxpayer to feed their disgusting drug, booze, fag and fat-fucker-family food-pack habits. No problem. The GOMPP will ensure the genuinely sick and disabled receive even more money and more generous/considerate support. It will be paid for by the £billions we’ll save by immediately removing benefits from all work-shy liars thieves and cheats, prior to shipping them off to an ever-co-caring Grumpy Work Experience Centre.

Saturday 23rd July 2011 – India’s Tata group can build a house within a week for less than £500. The Apathetic Majority will be delighted to learn that a consortium headed by the Grumpy Old Men Political Party and Cleggover have agreed to underwrite the total cost of a bold new initiative with Tata. Irrevocable guarantees have been provided by Tata to house (and re-house) each and every one of Britain’s work-shy parasites. One million of these hugely undesirable residences will be ready for occupation within the next three weeks. A further 1.5 million will come on stream every week thereafter for 20 weeks.

Tuesday 19th July 2011 – James and Rupert Murdock appeared before one of the many and varied public enquiries and parliamentary investigative committees being set up to save the rich and famous (and the occasional ordinary person) from being hacked. The Apathetic Majority consider this cleansing to be of vital importance to the nation and are totally supportive of the crusade our politicians, the police and the Lying Mad-Dog Media have mounted to ferret out the wicked people who might possibly embarrass the nation’s rich and famous. Bollocks! Truth is, the Apathetic Majority are going along with this charade because they’re thoroughly enjoying the spectacle of seeing a couple of the rich and famous being humiliated/destroyed. Their tiny little minds aren’t up to realizing they’re actually paying for it – or that £zillions would be saved and a major step taken toward transforming Britain into a winner if half the time, effort and money being wasted on this self-gratifying charade were directed at cleansing the nation of the thousands of criminal career hackers currently bent on robbing government and business of their secrets and every man Jack and Jackess on the street of their savings.

Monday 11th July 2011 – Colin Cooper was convicted of 30 offences of rape and sexual assault on eight children aged between three and twelve over a twenty-year period. He was jailed for a minimum of 18 years. So, how come, given at least 80% of Brits would unhesitatingly vote to execute this unfortunate creature and save the taxpayer a million pounds and more over the next 18 years, that a small minority of pro-life activists are allowed to prevent the reintroduction of the death penalty for such heinous crimes?

Monday 11th July 2011 – A new government report reveals violent behaviour in our classrooms has doubled in the last year. Forty-four teachers were admitted to hospital after attacks by pupils. One in four teaching staff has been the subject of a false allegation by pupils and two-thirds of them have considered leaving the profession. ‘Real Men’ don’t waste their time even thinking about becoming teachers because they know their career prospects will be in tatters immediately after daring to properly discipline any unruly child. No problem. The Grumpy Team is on the job. We know what needs to be done to ensure our teachers are allowed to properly teach and our children are allowed to properly learn. Those who share our view of what needs to be done can qualify to assume Coveted Grumpy Arsehole Convert Status simply by repeatedly making their views known to their local MP and/or the media.

Friday 8th July 201ll – Yvette Cooper and Ed Miliband are currently leading the field in an exciting new ‘phone hacking’ game in which politicians excitedly vie with one another to stitch the most nauseating expressions of self-righteous sanctimoniousness on their faces whilst openly demonstrating the sickening depths of hypocrisy to which they can sink when addressing members of the House. Extra brownie points are awarded to politicians for each and every additional £multi-million pound public enquiry they can claim responsibility for initiating and/or every extra thousand of our Boys and Girls in Blue successfully prevented from doing their normal jobs. There’s a special prize for every politician who spends more than six months doing absolutely nothing other than play the ‘Game’ and a bumper group bonus if, between them, they can successfully ruin the News of the World and the lives and jobs of those who work for it.

Monday 4th July 2011 – The Daily Mail revealed, so it must be true, that 39 year old husbandless and jobless Elizabeth Pearce not only wanted a child, she thought she had an inalienable right to demand the British taxpayer should pay to fulfil her yearnings for motherhood. So she threatened to take legal action citing articles 8 and 14 of the European Convention on Human Rights that cover the right to respect for family and private life and the prohibition of discrimination. Instead of telling her to piss off, the NHS buckled under her demands and authorized the £3,000 per time IVF treatment. Pearce is now the proud single mother of a lovely little munchkin – and the recipient of a wad of child and housing benefits but wants to get a job as soon as it’s convenient. She firmly believes it’s every woman’s right to have a child. “I just want to inspire other single women to fight for a child in the same way I did,” she says. “I would have spent the rest of my life feeling resentful had I not been given that chance.“ Sickening, isn’t it? This ‘must have’ parasite was able to demand free IVF treatment because, amazingly, the 2008 Human Fertilisation and Embryology Act denies  the fundamental right of a child to have a father. No problem. The first thing we’ll do, immediately after seizing power, is revoke that desperately immoral Act.

Sunday 3rd July 2011 – A Nigerian woman decided, very sensibly, to fly to Britain and have the British taxpayer pay the £200,000 it costs to deliver her five children. Why not? We can afford it and our politicians  obviously want lots of pregnant women to beat a path to our overly generous door. Bollocks! Truth is, not only can’t we afford it, our politicians wouldn’t allow it if they weren’t so desperate to secure votes and jobs (their jobs) by pandering to the nation’s liberal intelligentsia and right-to-life fetishists. Health tourism is costing us Brits in the region of £200million annually. Border guards are reporting hundreds of foreign women in an advanced state of pregnancy entering the UK but lack the authority to demand evidence of their ability (their intent even) to pay their hospital bills. No problem. The Grumpy Team, on behalf of all decent hardworking folk, will put an instant stop to this ridiculous sort of nonsense.

Friday 1st July 2011 – Ian Duncan Smith asked the business community to positively discriminate in favour of employing local Brits instead of immigrants. He thinks the future of our nation will be more assured if our companies make a positive commitment to employ Brits who can’t read, write or speak properly than to employ foreigners who can. Bollocks! Truth is, Ian is well aware that if Britain is to pay it’s way, support the less fortunate amongst us and contribute to other less fortunate nations we need a vibrant business community able to compete with the best, not hamstrung by staff that are lazy, ignorant, work-shy losers. But even Ian, good guy that he is, has to toe the political hypocrisy line. All politicians know our rights-without-responsibility benefit-dependent culture is crippling the nation but would rather continue to curry favour with the public by blaming immigrants etc than risk losing votes and jobs (their jobs) by a) complaining about the damage being wreaked upon the nation by our right-to-life fetishists and our politically correct equality, diversity and human rights fuck-wets or b) introducing initiatives to dramatically improve the situation. No problem. The Grumpy Team is already addressing the former via our Grumpy Gripes propaganda machine and we’ll certainly attend to the latter immediately after seizing power.

Friday 1st July 2011 – Thousands of public service union members took a day off work today. Why not? It was a nice day and anyway they wanted to remind the public of their inalienable right to continue to receive bigger and better pensions than decent hardworking folk in the private sector (paid for, of course, by decent hardworking folk in the private sector).

Friday 1st July 2011 – Sixteen million Brits, having proudly qualified to assume Coveted Grumpy Arsehole Covert Status, marched en masse upon London today to support the official launch of the Grumpy’s ‘Team Britain’ day. Whack a Wanker extravaganzas were staged, to the delight of all the locals, on every village green between John o’ Groats and Euston Road. The good-natured ritual stoning to death of right-to-life fetishists, members of the liberal intelligentsia and a random selection of politically correct equality, diversity and human rights fuck-wets proved to be a particular favourite, especially with jobless women. Sales of gift-wrapped ‘Pie-in-the-Sky’ kits for teenage Munchkins went right off the chart and thousands of fat-fucker families, for no apparent reason, just stood and wept with joy.

Thursday 30th June 2011 – The Lying Mad-Dog Media have, rightly so, vented their anger at the horrific conditions in North Korean jails. They painted a nightmarish picture, confirmed by ex-detainees, of overwork, starvation and executions. “Prisoners are forced to work in conditions approaching slavery and are frequently subjected to torture and other cruel, inhumane and degrading treatment,” says Amnesty. Starving inmates have to eat rats to survive. Labour Leader Ed Miliband, justifiably bursting with pride and flushed with excitement at the phenomenal success of his ever-so-secret trade mission to boost exports, wasn’t best pleased to be told it might be prudent not to sound too bullish when proudly revealing at the Guildhall tonight that he had, on behalf of the government, accepted North Korean Leader Kim Jong’s generous offer to accommodate 3,000 of Britain’s most vicious criminals – for a fraction of what it would normally cost the British taxpayer.

Thursday 30th June 2011 – Public sector workers are striking today. They’re enraged because their pensions/salaries compare very unfavourably with those of workers in the private sector. Bollocks! Truth is, the reverse is true. I’m enraged because, in order for them to cling on to their unaffordable pensions/salaries they’re prepared to add further £millions to Britain’s debts by attempting to bring the nation to a standstill. Worse, not only do the liberal intelligentsia actually condone such actions, too many Apathetic Arseholes continue to allow Team Britain to be raped by a small minority of power-crazed union militants. No problem. The Grumpy Team knows who they are. Arrangements have already been made for them to be prominently featured in one of the many ever-so-caring and jolly public flogging, disembowelment and/or impalement extravaganzas orchestrated by the Grumpy Team to satisfy the warped/sick entertainment demands of today’s public.

Monday 27th June 2008 – Jack Straw revealed that personal injury lawyers (ambulance chasers) are bribing insurance companies, the police and local garages etc to provide them with the contact details of anyone involved in a vehicle accident. Claimants are then contacted and persuaded by ’lawyers’ to exaggerate or tell outright lies about their injury in order for them and their legal advisors to trouser eye-watering amounts of money in compensation. I know government will now rush to charge every law firm and those complicit in this traitorous Let’s Ruin Britain practice with bribery, corruption and sedition. Bollocks! Truth is, I know they won’t. No problem. The Grumpy Team most assuredly will.

Monday 20th June 2011 – The Pensions Bill received its second reading today. Men currently qualify to receive a state pension when they’re 65 years of age. Women qualify for a pension nearly five years earlier. The Bill removes this glaring breach of our equality laws by stipulating that come 2018 women will enjoy the same rights as men by qualifying for a pension when aged 65 (not 60). The Equality and Human Rights Commission and the feminist fanatics who have appointed themselves the protectors of women’s rights have taken to the streets and are loudly hailing this as a huge victory. Bollocks! Truth is, they’re all keeping very, very quite about it. They’re desperately hoping decent hardworking women won’t blame them (as they should be doing) for stripping them of five years of extra pension money – in addition to having already made certain women virtually unemployable.

Friday 17th June 2011 – The TaxPayers’ Alliance reported that a 21-year-old man was sentenced to 26 weeks in prison (suspended, with 80 hours unpaid work and fined £100 costs) for growing cannabis. Smoking cannabis makes him too depressed to work so he’s been living on incapacity benefits (compliments of the taxpayer) since the age of sixteen. Emma Boon, campaign director for the Alliance, says this story highlights the desperate need for change. The Grumpy Team agrees. Problem is, any effective change will be strangled at birth by bleeding heart politically correct human rights fuck-wets until such time as the Grumpy’s ever-so-caring fear, pain, terror, deprivation and sudden death regime is up and running. In the meantime the current annual cost to us Brits of treating and paying benefits to 320,000 problem drug users is £1.7 billion in benefits, £1.2 billion for looking after their children and £730 million for prescribing methadone. Note: The latest Home Office figures reveal the social and economic cost of drug abuse to the UK economy in terms of crime, absenteeism and sickness to be in excess of £20 billion a year.

Thursday 16th June 2011 – The Office for National Statistics revealed that 75% of all jobs created in Britain are awarded to foreign-born men and women. Of the 411,000 jobs available for the year to March 2011 334,000 were awarded to people who weren’t born in Britain (129,000 to East Europeans) and 77,000 to native Brits. Works and Pensions Secretary Ian Duncan Smith said we could prevent British workers from being condemned to a life on benefits by reducing the numbers of immigrants and/or by the business community discriminating in favour of employing home grown Brits. Bollocks! Truth is, thousands of the same work-shy parasites would remain on benefits even if immigration ground to a sudden halt. Worse, no business attempting to compete in the marketplace, large or small, can afford to employ all the lazy, poorly educated Brits who have had the work ethic bred out of them. No problem. The Grumpy Team has a solution.

Monday 13th June – “Responsibility” is in, according to Ed Miliband. He used the word 45 times today in a rousing speech to his supporters. Ed is now aware the public are demanding everybody spends more time observing their responsibilities and less time demanding their rights. He’s also aware the public want the government to cut crime and anti-social behaviour, to exert more control over immigration and overseas aid, to reform welfare and benefits payments and be less answerable to Europe. Ed is somewhat belatedly aware of all this after Liam Byrne organised the “largest ever listening exercise conducted by the party.” Bollocks! Truth is, Ed became aware of it after Liam very sensibly lifted the information from The Grumpy Old Men Political Party’s Manifesto.

Friday 10th June 2011 – Leaked documents revealed the shocking extent to which Gordon Brown, Ed Balls and senior ministers in the Labour Party conspired, for years, to overthrow Tony Blair as Prime Minister. The Lying Mad-Dog Media rushed excitedly to detail and debate all aspects of this sickening saga. Except one: the one about how the affairs of our country were being grossly neglected whilst the most senior members of our government were locked in mortal combat with one another in a personal struggle for power and self-aggrandisement. No problem. Somewhere in the deep recesses of the tiny little minds of the Apathetic Majority there lurks a fundamental understanding of what senior members of the government are paid to do on their behalf. One day, perhaps today, all sixteen million of you will experience an overwhelming urge to help me go some way to transforming Britain into a winner by ensuring politicians never again put their own selfish interests before those of the nation. You can make a start by contacting some of the people listed in my Grumpy Gripes sidebar. Tell them what you think. You made enough fuss about our politicians stealing a few extra quid by bumping up their expenses. Can you imagine the £billions wasted, the opportunities lost and the damage done to the nation whilst those traitorous bastard politicians were busy playing power games amongst themselves?
Note: Gordon Brown, with all the resources available to him as Chancellor of the Exchequer should, unquestionably, have anticipated and avoided the financial crisis that has brought Britain to its knees. But he didn’t. His mind was on other, for him, more important things.

Wednesday 8th June 2011 – Justice Secretary Ken Clarke’s proposal to reduce sentences by 50% for those who make early guilty pleas will be rejected. This was part of Ken’s master plan to cut £2 billion from the Ministry of Justice £8.7 billion budget. He was also going to reduce the prison population by 3,000. Right idea, wrong emphasis. No problem. The Grumpy Team will, immediately after seizing power, double the sentences of all criminals who don’t enter an early guilty plea (not halve the sentences of those who do) and swiftly reduce the prison population by ever-so-caringly executing 3,000 prisoners. Since absolute fairness and impartiality is paramount when selecting those to be executed the same scrupulously fair selection criteria as that used to implement The Grumpy’s Annual Cull will be strictly adhered to.

Monday 6th June 2011 – Teachers and civil servants booed Vince Cable for suggesting their threats to call for general strikes and widespread disruption in order to protect their pensions, pay and jobs might cause the government to consider tightening strike laws. He referred, of course, to the fact that power-crazed union leaders can ruin a company or bring the nation to a standstill simply by ensuring they have the support of the majority of those who vote – even if only 20% of their total members actually bother to turn out to vote. GMB general secretary Paul Kenny said: “I don’t think that any strike in this country could inflict the sort of economic damage on our country that the banks and finance houses inflicted upon us.” So, that’s OK then. Bollocks! Like Hell it is. Conservative MP Dominic Raab introduced a bill in April 2011 that would make strikes in the emergency and transport sectors illegal if they were supported by less than 50% of union members but the Political Elite will, I promise you, ensure that bill doesn’t end up on the Statute Books. In the meantime decent hardworking folk continue to wait like impotent fools upon militant union leaders and their anarchist pals to decide when next to bring the nation to a standstill.

Wednesday 1st June 2011 – Idly browsing through an ever-so-interesting seven million-page equality and diversity recruitment guide, I noted an item of interest. It would seem that whilst it’s unlawful to advertise a job unless everybody can apply for it, especially crippled terminally ill women etc, it’s OK to advertise a job which excludes everybody other than the physically or mentally disadvantaged. This is good news for me because, as an ugly black one-eyed crippled transvestite son of a one-parent fat-fucker illegal immigrant old age pensioner, I’m now eagerly scanning job ads specifying that only ugly black one-eyed crippled transvestite sons of one-parent fat-fucker illegal immigrant old age pensioners need apply.

Tuesday 24th May 2011 – Politically correct fuck-wets and the left wing Lying Mad-Dog Media are disappearing up their own arses in a paroxysm of excitement. They think they’ve got our Boys and Girls in Blue bang to rights for engaging in ‘ethnic profiling.’ They’re broadcasting to the world that up to 42 times more Asians than white folks are likely to be stopped and searched at our ports and airports. Professor Ben Bowling of Kings College felt our Asian friends to have been sorely discriminated against. Bollocks! Truth is, only twice as many Asians as white folk are actually being stopped and searched. These sneaky little fifth columnists have craftily bumped the figure up by introducing disproportionality sleight-of-hand based on the fact that Asians represent just 5% of the population. Fact is, given that Asians are thousands of times more likely to indiscriminately engage in an act of terrorism than white folk, our Boys and Girls in Blue should actually be stopping and searching a thousand times more Asians than white folk - not merely twice as many (or 42 times as many).

Tuesday 17th May 2011 – Call-me-Dave confirmed he wants to tie Britain to a legally binding commitment to increase overseas aid to a total of  £11.4 billion by 2013 (0.7% of our gross national income). Enshrining this commitment in law will be well received by the Apathetic Majority because we know our overseas friends will put all monies to excellent use. Bollocks! Truth is, we know far too much of our overseas aid is squandered by incompetent bureaucrats and trousered by corrupt officials, both at home and abroad. No problem. The Grumpy Team are totally committed to the principle of providing overseas aid. We’ll substantially increase the amount received by the needy simply by substantially reducing the amount currently sticking to the soiled hands of all those doyens of respectability falsely purporting to be serving the interests of the needy. Theirs will be, when identified, a truly humiliating and painful fall from grace accompanied, as it most assuredly will be, by a sound thrashing, Singapore style.

Thursday 12th May 2011 – It’s official. The Sentencing Council for England and Wales is proposing that thieves should be given the OK to sneak into our homes and gardens and steal from us without having to fear being severely punished – if they don’t force an entry, only take goods of low value and don’t already have a previous conviction. Wow! You’ve got to hand it to these milksops. This is really going to please all slightly nervous folk whose lives will be irreparably damaged by an unwanted invasion of their privacy by hairy-arsed villains. No problem. The Grumpy Team, having noted the salutary effect the 1994 rattan caning of American Michael Fay has had on travellers to Singapore, are busy preparing to introduce caning, Singapore style, to Britain.

Tuesday 10th May 2011 – Universities minister David Willetts has it in mind to encourage universities to expand and create extra places for poor folk and the socially disadvantaged. And it won’t cost the taxpayer a penny. The whole thing will be funded by the rich and famous whose children will stand more chance of getting into one of the better universities provided they meet university entry requirements and their parents are prepared to pay the full fee with no government subsidy. Given last month’s figures showing there were over 700,000 applications for the 490,000 available places at our universities, I know this splendid initiative will receive universal support and be fast-tracked through the system. Bollocks! Truth is, I know that Dave, right now, is shitting himself worrying about not upsetting the smug-fucker equality and diversity lobby and the nation’s envy-driven have-nots. The poor sod has even issued a statement about how he’s going to be “listening” carefully to what all of these time-wasting prats have to say on the subject. No problem Dave. Our 16 million strong team of Apathetic Arseholers have been clamouring to get behind you on this one.

Saturday 7th May 2011 – Only 44% of those eligible to participate in the Lib Dem Alternative Vote referendum bothered to vote – and that percentage would have been considerably less if Cleggover hadn’t had the good sense to insist that AV votes must be cast at the same time as votes were being cast for local council elections. The Liberals suffered an overwhelming defeat. Of a total of 441 areas, only 10 wanted to embrace AV – notably Liberal left-wing strongholds in Oxford, Cambridge, Camden, Islington and Hackney. So, everybody can now relax. The public was given the opportunity to decide which system would provide them with the finest form of government. Bollocks! Truth is, the finest form of government is a Benevolent Dictatorship. Problem is, politicians know they’ll ALL be out of a job immediately after the Grumpy Team seize power and introduce the benefits of a Benevolent Dictatorship to the nation. Which is why a conspiracy of silence surrounds the subject. When was the last time anybody heard a politician say anything about a Benevolent Dictatorship? I rest my case.

Monday 2nd May 2011 – US navy SEALs executed Osama bin Laden today and buried him at sea. Naturally, the anti capital punishment sector of the Lying Mad-Dog Media have risen as one to condemn a government-sanctioned act that blatantly denied Bin Laden a fair trial based on his inalienable right to a presumption of innocence and a lifetime in jail at the taxpayers expense. Bollocks! Truth is, the sanctimonious and deeply felt moral objections to the death penalty supposedly held by the self appointed protectors of our human rights seems to have has evaporated in the face of public support for the execution.

Sunday 1st May 2011 – “Pssst, Cleggover,” hissed call-me Dave as he slyly empowered another 2,321 of his most ardent supporters to speak on his behalf in the House of Lords. ”The suggestion by that scheming racist bastard in New York that all their immigrants should be sent to Detroit has sent his popularity ratings off the chart. How about if I leak it that it was your idea and that, as consequence, he’s agreed to us sending all our immigrants to Detroit as well. It’ll be an incredible much needed coup for you. All decent hardworking folk in both Britain and the USA will want to pay tribute to you. Some of them might even forget, momentarily, what a monumental fart you are. Who knows, you might even get to be nominated to receive one of the Grumpy Team’s coveted Golden Bollocks awards.”

Friday 29th April 2011 – Prince William and Kate Middleton are to be married today. The Grumpy Team wishes them well. The royal family, under our present Queen, has been a monumental asset to Britain and will continue to be so within the nearly-but-not-quite form of benevolent dictatorship to which a grateful nation will be subjected immediately after the Grumpy Team have seized power.

Tuesday 26th April 2011 – Conservative MP Dominic Raab introduced a bill today that would make strikes in the emergency and transport sectors illegal if they were supported by less than 50% of union members. He hopes to combat the increasing number of strikes taking place that aren’t supported by a majority of union members. Currently, unions can strike if a majority of those who actually vote want to strike – even if only 20% of the total members bother to vote. This, of course, allows power-crazed union leaders to walk roughshod over their own members and hold a company or the country to ransom whenever the mood takes them. Dominic’s bill will of course be passed. Bollocks! Truth is, the bill will fail. See The Political Elite.

Monday 25th April 2011 – A leaked document revealed the SAS is now experiencing serious recruitment problems. This is due, we’re told, to the fact that equality and human rights fetishists have inadvertently precipitated us into so many wars that our troops just don’t have the time to fill out an application form to join the SAS. Bollocks! Truth is, the armed services recruitment pool that used to meet the induction requirements of our most elite fighting corps is now bereft of ‘real’ men. After being subjected to years of mind-numbing propaganda by equality and human rights fuck-wets they’ve all been transformed into wimps, sissies and pansies. Just being told what’s expected of them by the SAS induction cadre to complete the first stage of the selection process will cause most of them to break down into a sobbing heap of fear-induced depression crying pitifully for their mummy, their daddy, their lawyer, their psychiatrist or any passing fart or fartess who will rush to comfort them by reminding them of all the freedoms, privileges and inalienable rights to which they’re entitled.

Friday 22nd April 2011 – Tower Hamlets, the poorest council in Britain, hit the headlines again today. They’re forking out £2750 a week of taxpayer’s money in housing and welfare benefits to an Ethiopian family of twelve seeking asylum. No problem. Tower Hamlets spent £223million last year on housing benefits (£350,000 on housing just 10 families). And why not? That’s a mere drop in the ocean compared with the £21 billion Britain currently forks out annually on housing benefits – up £7 billion from the £14 billion being spent ten years ago. See. This is the sort of thing that happens when the Apathetic Majority allow well-intentioned farts and fartesses to decide how our taxes should be spent.

Thursday 14th April 2011 – Prime Minister David Cameron, in a speech today to party members, said that our country has benefited immeasurably from immigration. But he also said that immigration has been too high for far too long. 2.2 million more people came to live in this country than left to live abroad between 1997 and 2009. This placed real pressures on schools, housing, healthcare and whole communities – especially those immigrants not able to speak English who were neither prepared nor willing to integrate. He said he would aim to reduce net migration, clamp down on illegal immigration and get to grips with the asylum system. Vince Cable seems to think that Cameron’s speech was likely to inflame views about immigration. Bollocks! Truth is, what inflames the views of all us Brits about immigration is human rights fetishists and their fat-fingered lawyers making fools of our politicians by thwarting their every attempt to deport foreign versions of our own lying thieving cheating parasitic louts and villains. The good news is that if Cameron doesn’t soon relieve the taxpayer of having to feed, clothe and house unwanted immigrants – and protect us from having to cover the cost of their many and varied legal fees, the Grumpy Team assuredly will.

Tuesday 12th April 2011 – “Please help me,” sobbed Health Secretary Andrew Lansley. The nurses and their unions are going to slaughter me tomorrow at their conference. They’re going to say I haven’t been ‘listening’ to them. Please, please, please Mr Stokes he screamed, tell me what I should say to them.” “No problem Andrew,” I said, ever-so-coolly and calmly. “In fact it’s a wonderful opportunity. You can make a name for yourself as the very first politician to tell anybody the truth. Stand tall and tell them that ‘listening’ to them about the extra £20 billion gifted to the NHS by the taxpayer over the past decade has had about as much effect as you pissing in the ocean. Tell them that if the NHS hopes to meet the ever-increasing demands of the public for a competent health service the incompetent arseholes who run it will have to stop ‘listening’ to nurses with nil knowledge/experience whatsoever of how to run such an extraordinarily complex organisation and start listening to experienced quality folk in the private sector who do. Quit immediately you sense you’ve started to lose them.”

Thursday 7th April 2011 – Seventy of the eighty teachers at Darwen Vale comprehensive high school in Lancashire went on strike today. They want children that misbehave to be meaningfully punished. They reckon that around 60 of their 1,150 pupils verbally abuse them, make malicious allegations against them and/or actually threaten to carry out physical assaults upon them. This revelation will shock and surprise the public. Children in other schools rarely treat their teachers with such utter contempt. Bollocks! Truth is, we all know that psychiatrists, since the sixties, have been increasing their own numbers exponentially by persuading well-intentioned farts and fartesses that meaningful discipline isn’t good for our little munchkins. It might upset them. As a consequence, most of our schools are dominated by arrogant little snots who rejoice in demonstrating how their inalienable human rights can be used to prevent teachers from being able to properly teach and their classmates from being able to properly learn. No problem. That will all change quite quickly after these little rodents have been exposed to the Grumpy Team’s ever-so-caring but totally merciless new Attila-the-Hun style regime of fear, pain, terror, deprivation and death.

Thursday 7th April 2011- The government launched their Red Tape Challenge, a website that will enable them to ‘listen‘ to what the public thinks about bureaucracy and red tape. Bollocks! Truth is, their Red Tape Challenge is, essentially, an expensive time-wasting public relations exercise paid for by the taxpayer to create the illusion they’re ‘listening’ to what the public has to say on the subject. Fact is, the government aren’t interested in what an uninformed public have to say about the subject. They’re primarily interested in securing votes and jobs for themselves by listening and reacting positively to what influential minority groups have to say on the subject. No problem. That will all change immediately after the Grumpy Team seize power. We’re not particularly interested in ‘listening’ to what an uninformed public have to say about bureaucracy and red tape either but we’ll sure as Hell rid 4.8 million of our smaller companies of enough of both to allow them to create more wealth and jobs for the nation.

Wednesday 6th April 2011 – Acting Chief Executive of the UK Border Agency Jonathan Sedgwick admitted that of Briton’s 450,000 ‘forgotten’ asylum seekers, 161,000 have been given indefinite leave to remain – many because it’s taken so long to investigate their claims they can now legitimately argue that any attempt to deport them will breach their inalienable human rights. Some of them are convicted criminals. All of them are entitled to claim full welfare benefits. Only 36,000 have been deported. 75,000 have completely disappeared off the radar. That accounts for 270,000 of the 450,000 ‘forgotten’ asylum seekers. What happened to the rest? Attempting to resolve the asylum seekers problem continues to be a nightmare for the Border Agency and is costing the taxpayer £zillions. The Apathetic Majority should hang their heads in shame for allowing human rights fetishists and their fat-fingered lawyers to use and abuse out human rights laws to prevent a swift, fair and inexpensive method of helping genuine asylum seekers. No problem. The Grumpy Team has long since identified a number of ever-so-caring solutions that will swiftly resolve all problems being experienced by genuine asylum seekers.

Friday 1st April 2011 – Universities Minister ‘two brains’ David Willets today attracted emotional outbursts from outraged feminist bigots by saying that feminism and education were primarily responsible for Britain’s lack of social mobility. Bollocks! Truth is, the only thing stopping the working class from improving their lot is their aversion to speaking nicely.

Friday 1st April 2011 – Call-me-Dave, shortly after accusing Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls of being the most annoying person in modern politics, was captured on camera standing over Ed’s horribly mutilated body wielding a bloodstained five-pound sledgehammer. Foul play was not suspected by the Metropolitan police. The Equality and Human Rights Commission are, however, incandescent with fury that more women politicians haven’t been similarly mutilated and are demanding a full Public Enquiry into the affair.

Saturday 26th March 2011 – 500 would-be chattering class clones broke away from today’s TUC organised anti-deficit reduction protest march. They threw light bulbs filled with ammonia at our Boys and Girls in Blue, wrecked property, gaily committed acts of arson and upset/frightened members of the public. What jolly fun. They clearly consider their actions to be part of the inalienable rights and freedoms to which they’re constantly being told they’re entitled. Bollocks to their inalienable rights and freedoms. Truth is, most decent hardworking Brits are sick to the back teeth with the antics of these despicable creatures. No problem. The Grumpy Team will, immediately after seizing power, rush all of them off to one of our deep, dark and dank politically incorrect Subterranean Centres of Excellence for some ever-so-jolly observation, therapy and, as my dear old Mum would say, ‘a sound thrashing.’

Friday 25th March 2011 – 53-year-old Jamaican born Delroy Grant was jailed for a minimum of 27 years today (at a cost to the taxpayer of £40,000 a year) for assaulting and raping hundreds of elderly people over a 17-year period. The Lying Mad-Dog Media are suggesting that our brave Boys and Girls in Blue are to blame for not catching him sooner. Bollocks! Truth is, he would have been caught in a trice if everybody were featured on a national DNA register. Regrettably, bleeding heart civil rights libertarians have successfully persuaded our politicians that a national DNA database would be an unacceptable infringement on the rights and freedoms of perverts like Delroy Grant to rape and pillage our defenceless old folk whenever the mood takes them. Who’s to blame? The influential minority groups that labour mightily to limit the effectiveness of our DNA database or the millions of Apathetic Arseholes who let them get away with it.

Friday 18th March 2011 – The United Nations security council resolution 1973 backed a no-fly zone over Libya. It stipulated that “all necessary measures” should be taken to protect civilians but, not wishing to upset the world’s politically correct pacifist fuck-wets, didn’t actually mention that offing Colonel Gaddafi was a prime objective. “Hey, Cleggover,” hissed call-me-Dave. “Do you think Britain’s politically correct pacifist fuck-wets might cut back a bit on the moral outrage if we told them the price they’ll have to pay for petrol at the pumps will quadruple if Gaddafi isn’t assassinated within the next month or so?”

Tuesday 15th March 2011 – Work and Pensions Minister Chris Grayling wants all work-shy parasites who would benefit from getting into regular work habits and routines (that’s all of them) to start doing something useful for their local communities. He thinks these serial wasters should spend up to 30 hours a week on such work for one month. If they don’t turn up or don’t give their best shot to the tasks allotted to them, they could lose their benefit for three months. Poor old Chris. He’d give his right arm to be able to send those rebels without a cause to a Grumpy subterranean ‘Centre of Correction’ for enrolment in one of our ever-so-caring work ethic familiarisation programmes. Or possibly to a Grumpy Pie-in-the-Sky Factory. No problem Chris. We’re ready whenever you are.

Thursday 10th March 2011 – A recent report revealed that no major European country has to support as many single mothers as Britain does. This is because British taxpayers relish the prospect of providing a free home and acceptable lifestyle to young single mothers with no visible means of support – especially those incapable of providing their little munchkins with the sort of love, care, guidance and discipline necessary to ensure their tiny little tots don’t morph into horrible little juvenile snots. Bollocks! Truth is, British taxpayers would be delighted if politically incorrect human rights directives were introduced by politicians to prevent irresponsible teenagers from having children they can neither afford nor provide a loving caring home. No problem. The Grumpies are on the case.

Sunday 6th March 2011 – Prime Minister Cameron urges “more people to make a job rather than take a job.” He decided, at his party’s Spring conference, that the only strategy for growth is to “declare war on the enemies of enterprise; to get behind Britain’s entrepreneurs; to back small firms; to be on the side of everyone in this country who wants to create jobs, wealth and opportunity.” He promises that his forthcoming budget will be “unashamedly pro-growth.” Sounds good. Bollocks! Truth is, it ain’t gonna work. That’s because employing people has become one big expensive/complex aggravation and nobody running a business will employ anybody if they can possibly avoid it. And Cameron knows it. He also knows that exempting the 4.7 million companies who employ less than ten staff from all politically correct equality and diversity legislation would instantly create a zillion more jobs. But neither he nor his milksop cronies possess the balls to deliver. No problem. The Grumpies do and will.

Friday 4th March 2011 – Sir Howard Davies (a very good man) resigned as head of the London School of Economics because he was ashamed of successfully securing a £2.2 million order from the Libyan government to train hundreds of senior Libyans in leadership skills. Bollocks! Truth is, Howard resigned because he wasn’t prepared to allow politically correct fuck-wets in the Lying Mad-Dog Media to spend the next couple of months attempting to blacken his name and ruin him for doing business with a wicked despot. Personally, I would have preferred Howard to have made a bold stand and explained to the self appointed protectors of our human rights the extent to which Britain, and everybody in it, is dependant upon continuing to do business with the many thousands of wicked despots and/or corrupt regimes who purport to observe democratic principles.

Tuesday 1st March 2011 – The European Court of Justice has today ruled that British insurance companies are guilty of sex discrimination. Young women have, for many years, been paying less to insure their cars than young men because records show that young women are less likely to have an accident than young men. That must now stop. European bureaucrats have decreed that British women, if they’re to properly observe their alienable human rights equality laws, must have imposed upon them the far higher insurance premiums currently being paid by men. No doubt the fanatical feminist sector of the Lying Mad-Dog media who are responsible for this balls-up will  be able to explain themselves to all the women in Britain who will have to pay substantially more to insure their vehicles. How utterly stupid. How much longer is the British taxpayer going to continue humouring the whims of these pathetic arseholes?

Tuesday 1st March 2011 - “Please, please, please Mr Stokes,” sobbed Cleggover and call-me-Dave, desperately attempting to catch my attention as I slaked my thirst in the Members Bar. “What can we do about all those thieving cheating bastard underclass cretins who are costing the economy £9 billion annually by lying about suffering from stress,” they squealed? “Relax gentlemen,” I said. “Spend a bit more time loafing about at home with the family. Leave the introduction of bold initiatives likely to alienate your average politically correct fuck-wet to the Grumpy Team. I can promise you, a short spell in one of our ever-so-caring Subterranean Centres of Excellence undergoing observation/therapy will swiftly ensure no workshy parasite will be tempted to tick the let’s-pretend-we’re-depressed box.”