The Grumpy Old Men Political Party

14th May 12

pstokes — Mon, 14 May 2012 09:56:09 +0000

Monday 14th May – Works and Pensions Secretary Ian Duncan Smith plans to introduce a more accurate assessment of the real needs of two million disability benefit claimants over the next four years. This initiative will save the taxpayer around £2.5billion annually. But the bleeding heart brigade who successfully removed the word ‘cripple’ from our vocabulary will want to remind us that the plight of our crippled folk is a taboo subject. Not to be discussed; certainly not to be subjected to scrutiny. Bollocks! Truth is, the genuinely disabled require more not less help and the extra money required to fund that help could be provided by diverting some of the money currently being paid to an estimated half a million opportunistic liars, thieves and cheats.
The Grumpy Team would introduce a two-stage assessment. The first stage would be completed within four months (a simple and swift assessment to winkle out the more obvious fraudsters). A maximum of two years would be required to complete the second, more detailed, assessment.
Note: Disability living allowance (not to be confused with incapacity benefit) is worth an additional £120 a week to whatever other benefits are already being claimed and has increased dramatically in recent years. It’s now costing the taxpayer nearly £13billion annually. The money is supposed to go toward the extra cost of helping the disabled become more mobile whether they’re working or not.

10th May 12

pstokes — Thu, 10 May 2012 10:06:26 +0000

Thursday 10th May – 400,000 public sector workers won’t be at work today. They’ll be out on the streets displaying their anger at the prospect of having their pensions and working conditions brought in line with those of the private sector. Naturally, they have the full support of all taxpayers. Bollocks! Truth is, taxpayers are sick and tired of forking out extra £billions to public sector workers just because public sector management are incapable or not prepared to reject the constant demands of power-crazed union leaders for more money, better conditions and bigger pensions.

0th May 12

pstokes — Wed, 09 May 2012 10:00:23 +0000

Wednesday 9th May – House of Lord’s reforms featured large in the Queen’s Speech today. Ministers, as a consequence of avidly listening to the public, have deduced that all decent hardworking folk want to see the Lords replaced with a substantially smaller chamber of 300 members. Bollocks! Truth is, decent hardworking folk want the House of Lords, the government and the opposition to be totally replaced by an ever-so-caring dictatorial form of government. No problem. The Grumpy Team is poised, ready for the off, immediately everybody recognizes they’ve got it wrong and rush headlong, sobbing with remorse, to support us.

3rd May 12

pstokes — Thu, 03 May 2012 09:52:22 +0000

Thursday 3rd May – It’s local election time and Ed Miliband, desperate to curry favour with voters, is now pledging ‘to help the many’ through these tough times. ‘The many’ are mightily impressed. Bollocks! Truth is ‘the many’ are mightily unimpressed. Miliband would impact more favourably upon ‘the many’ if he broke down and confessed that he, and all his cronies, are lying, hypocritical bags of wind totally dedicated to seeking their own totally selfish agenda’s; that Britain is going to slide ever-deeper into debt until such time as an ever-so-caring benevolent dictator (like me)seizes power and introduces a totally merciless regime of fear, pain, terror, deprivation and death.

2nd May 12

pstokes — Wed, 02 May 2012 10:30:11 +0000

Wednesday 2nd May – New road safety figures reveal that personal injury claims are rocketing, particularly those for whiplash injuries, despite a steady reduction in road accidents over the past ten years. Could this, I ask myself, have anything to do with the doubling in the past year of claims management services (ambulance chasers) and ‘no-win no-fee’ lawyers preying on the natural proclivity of the nation’s socially challenged to augment their income with spurious injury claims? No problem. Such things will be a thing of the past immediately after the Grumpy Team seizes power.

2nd May 12

pstokes — Wed, 02 May 2012 09:51:02 +0000

Wednesday 2nd May – A recent survey of children’s fitness and physical education habits revealed that 48% of them avoid participating in fitness/sporting activities because they find sport to be too competitive. 52% of them are afraid they might get their hair mussed and 61% are receiving perspiration aversion therapy – and that’s just the boys.

1st May 2012

pstokes — Tue, 01 May 2012 10:46:18 +0000

Tuesday 1st May 2012 – The Lying Mad-Dog Media revealed that Fat-Fucker-Families with type 2 diabetes are going to swamp the NHS with porker problems within a generation. “Please, please, please Mr Stokes,” screamed Cleggover and call-me-Dave as they flung themselves into their briefcases and locked them from the inside, “We don’t care how you do it or what it costs the taxpayer, just get that Scaglietti version of your Mark IV Grumpy Wheel installed on every village green throughout the country – immediately.” “No problem,” I whispered as I discreetly slipped their briefcases into a seldom visited left-luggage room of a derelict railway station somewhere in Accrington Stanley. “Senior Health & Safety bureaucrats are, even as I’m setting the timer on the explosive device I’ve just attached to your briefcases, eagerly looking to OK some very minor modifications on the porker housing of the Mark IV. They’re confidant they can complete all relevant paperwork within a year or two.”

Note: You’re more likely to develop type 2 diabetes and/or heart disease, stroke and some cancers if you’re overweight and/or are of South Asian, African-Caribbean or Middle Eastern descent. But losing 5% of your body weight and taking regular exercise could reduce your risk of getting diabetes by over 50%.

25th Aprill 11

pstokes — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 11:29:43 +0000

Wednesday 25th April – A Harvard Society survey revealed that the public are “disgruntled, disillusioned and disengaged” with politics. 76% of Brits don’t believe the current system of coalition government is working. 58% said they weren’t interested in politics. Only 48% said they’d definitely vote if a general election were called tomorrow; 30% said they were unlikely or absolutely certain not to vote. 56% said their involvement in local politics could help bring about change but only 38% were prepared to get involved.
No problem. It won’t be necessary, once the Grumpy Team have seized power and introduced our ever-so-caring form of Benevolent Dictatorship, for anybody to waste their time or the taxpayer’s money attempting to influence local politics or turning out to vote

20th April 12

pstokes — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 16:20:25 +0000

Friday 20th April – Home Secretary Theresa May, on advice given to her by civil service lawyers, stated that Abu Qatada had left it too late to appeal his deportation order. But some snivelling European human rights lawyer disagreed. Everybody is now waiting with baited breath to be told by human rights farts and fartesses in Europe what us Brits can or can’t do with Abu. In the meantime, this epic fiasco has cost British taxpayers nearly £3,000,000 to date – mostly in legal fees. No problem. The swift but ever-so-caring manner in which the Grumpy Team will remove Abu from our shores will cause a grateful nation to heave a huge sigh of relief and to rise, as one, to pay homage to the GOMPP.

18th April 2012

pstokes — Wed, 18 Apr 2012 14:02:43 +0000

Wednesday 18th April – Home Secretary Theresa May says radical cleric Abu Qatada, who faces charges of plotting terrorist attacks, will finally be deported back to Jordon by the end of this month. So, that will be the last we’ll see of him. Bollocks! Truth is, the couple of £million in incarceration and legal fees he’s already cost the British taxpayer will continue for at least a few more months – possibly years. In 2009, after his legal advisors had already spent years exploiting every possible legal loophole on his behalf, five British Law Lords unanimously ruled he should be deported. But the European Court of Human Rights disagreed and dismissed that ruling. His lawyers are now appealing to the European court to overthrow the current decision of our Home Secretary. Britain’s Apathetic Arsehole contingent is, naturally, gutted. No problem. The Law Society, fearing the consequences of the GOMPP charging them (retrospectively) with institutional subversion and non-compliance with our ‘Intent’ law, are now instigating savage root and branch disciplinary procedures against all fat-fingered lawyers who have used and abused the law to their advantage and the nation’s detriment – particularly those who subscribe to the notion that ‘it’s the role of any good lawyer to find breaches (loopholes) in the law and exploit them.’