It isn’t possible for teachers to properly teach, or children to properly learn, in a classroom constantly disrupted by juvenile snots and bullies who know their rights – especially those aware nobody in authority will dare attempt to forcibly control them for fear of being physically assaulted or ending up in court with their careers put on hold or in shreds. Children can smell the fear that emanates from authority figures who attempt to discipline them and, rightly so, despise them and society at large for lacking sufficient sense/resolve to put an end to their sorry state of self-inflicted humiliation. Fact is, whilst everybody has been busy indulging their own finer feelings by enforcing the rights of our little Munchkins and protecting them from anything resembling meaningful punishment, our children have been denied a proper education.

No problem. Immediately after seizing power the Grumpies will be introducing initiatives that focus on the needs of our children rather than the finer feelings of well-intentioned parents and teachers who consider their natural distaste for any form of physical punishment to be adequate justification to support the abolition of corporal punishment. It isn’t. Even the most dim-witted amongst us know our children want, need and expect caring parents and teachers to introduce them to, and painfully reinforce, a set of reasonable ground rules (boundaries) they readily understand and know must be obeyed. When they break those rules, as all good kids with an ounce of spirit in them will occasionally do, they expect to be meaningfully punished.

We’ll ensure our children can read, write, calculate and properly speak the Queen’s English when they leave school. We’ll stream them into classes that reflect their ability to learn. We’ll support the judicious use of corporal punishment and ensure teachers possess the knowledge, ability, authority and desire to properly control a classroom of children. We’ll dispense with classroom assistants. Mildly disruptive children will be caned and/or swiftly but temporarily removed from their classrooms. Serial disrupters will be expelled without appeal and relocated temporarily or permanently in day release or residential Borstal type schools staffed by teachers capable of dealing with children displaying learning or behavioural difficulties. We’ll support grammar schools, re-introduce technical colleges and dispense with the concept that everybody must have a university education. Headmasters will be given powers to monitor and fast track the removal of incompetent teachers. Teachers will not be suspended unless a clear-cut case for disciplinary action exists. Action will be taken against children and their parents who make spurious allegations against teachers. Children will learn that rights have to be earned and the rights of others have to be respected.

Ineffectual parents and teachers who have had the art of instilling fear, pain and terror into tiny tots and juvenile snots weaned out of them over the generations will attend an adult Whack a Munchkin support facility. Here they’ll either learn how to conduct themselves in a more responsible and less selfish manner or be transferred to a Whack a Parent or Teacher support facility.

Note – Violent behaviour in our classrooms has doubled in the last year. Forty-four teachers were admitted to hospital after attacks by pupils. One in four teaching staff has been the subject of a false allegation by pupils. One in six has had the parent of a pupil make a false allegation about them. Two-thirds of teachers have considered leaving the profession. ‘Real Men’ don’t waste their time thinking about becoming a teacher because they know their career will be in tatters immediately after daring to properly discipline an unruly child. Hardly surprising that the single biggest reason why teachers leave the profession is because of the unacceptable and uncontrollable level of unruly behaviour by pupils in their charge. Many graduates, understandably, decide against becoming teachers for fear they may not be safe in the classroom.