28th – A male teacher was punched, kicked and choked by a 12 year old pupil whilst other teachers looked on, fearful they might be accused of assault if they intervened. The teacher gave up work due to back problems and stress which was, presumably, further aggravated by his heroic four-and-a-half year battle to win a £250,000 out-of-court compensation payment for lost wages, courtesy of the taxpayer. The Apathetic Majority will be disgusted with the actions of the boy, the reaction of the teacher, the inaction of the other teachers, the size of the award and the amount of time wasted by all concerned. No doubt they'll heave a sigh of relief when the Grumpy Old Men Political Party seize power and light a fire under juvenile snots, their teachers and the laws which encourage and perpetuate such contemptible and spineless conduct by both pupils and teachers.

24th – The Daily Mail says, so it must be true, that hundreds of abused children are to sue councils for £millions after a landmark ruling at the Council of Appeal that Doncaster council must pay compensation to a 32 year old man who suffered abuse from his parents. All of them will be entitled to legal aid. Jonathan Wheeler of Bolt Burden Kemp solicitors said that lawyers could point to 'countless examples of similar failings by social service departments up and down the country.' What a Pandora's box of pig-fests Santa has opened for fat-fingered lawyers and their soon-to-be-wealthy clients, many of whom can be relied upon to make exaggerated if not totally spurious claims. The Grumpies will end compensation mania simply by substantially reducing the level of compensation awards and inflicting meaningful punishment on lawyers and their clients who make frivolous or spurious claims.

22nd – A lawyer is now persuading French motorists to break the law – on a technicality. Motoring penalties, under French law, automatically lapse if objections to a speeding fine remain unanswered for more than a year so a fat-fingered lawyer, has devised a cunning scheme to bring the French justice system to its knees by flooding it with more legal objections to radar-generated speeding fines than the system is capable of handling within a year. After just one month 120,000 subscribers have paid him up to £7 each. Given that the number of deaths on the roads in France has been reduced by nearly half to 4,500 annually since the introduction of radar in 2003, one might think that he might worry that the money he's now trousering will be dripping with the blood of French motorists. No chance. He's not actually opposed to road safety. He just thinks that 'it's the role of any good lawyer to find breaches in the law and exploit them.' He's lucky he doesn't have to account to the Grumpy Team. We'd drag his cringing body, by the heels, around the streets of Paris for all to behold the price of sedition.

18th – Legal costs and the requirements of well-intentioned farts and fartesses are primarily responsible for the 13 months delay and the £11,000 required to forcibly deport the average failed asylum seeker who is deemed safe to return home. It's cheaper (£1000) to persuade them to return home voluntarily. Problem is, according to the Centre for Social Justice, there's a 280,000 backlog of failed applicants many of whom, whilst being persuaded, disappear off the radar into illegal employment, prostitution or crime. This, according to a Conservative Party think-tank, can be prevented by providing them with a range of housing, financial and health care benefits. Presumably, nobody has mentioned that the more benefits received by illegal immigrants the less likely anybody is going to be able to persuade them to go home. What a mess. The Grumpy Team will, thoughtfully and ever-so-nicely, put all failed asylum seekers on the next plane home immediately after identifying them as failed asylum seekers.

12th – Piracy and kidnapping continue unabated. Hardly surprising. It's money for old rope. The perpetrators even get to sneer, justifiably, at the cringing wet-knickered manner in which we all fall over ourselves to obey their every instruction/demand. The Apathetic Majority feel good about this. We want well-intentioned wimps and sissies to portray us Brits to these bandits as snivelling curs who can be threatened, tormented and insulted with impunity. Bollocks! The Grumpy Old Men Political Party will, immediately after seizing power, make it known that Britain will no longer allow a ransom to be paid for the return of our people or our possessions; that a single Brit who isn't immediately released unharmed will trigger a lethal attack by our troops or our Boys in Blue. This uncompromising strategy will, initially, result in the deaths of a number of lives but will unquestionably save far more lives, money and humiliation over the long term.

10th – The reason the killer of 11-year old Rhys Jones was stopped a total of 80 times by the police both before and after the murder was because he was well known to everybody in the community as a nasty little piece of work who was always up to no good. Unfortunately, not everybody supports stop-and-search tactics which is why the Grumpy Team will, immediately after seizing power, be introducing our alternative and far more socially acceptable 'Annual Cull'. This simple but exceedingly cost effective tough-on-the-causes-of-crime concept requires all known louts, villains and juvenile snots in every community throughout the land over the age of six to be rounded up each year (our Boys in Blue already know who they are) and 'invited' to attend one of our ever-so-caring but totally merciless one-month fear, pain, terror, deprivation and death tutorials – from which only the good guys graduate.

2nd – Given the terrorist attack in Bombay, and the fact that England has already lost the first five games of the series, it's to be expected that well-intentioned wimps and sissies would be attempting to persuade our cricketers not to return to India. No problem. The Grumpy Team is confident none of our Boys in White would be crass enough to heed the advice of those yellow-bellied cowards. I can promise you not one of them is going to shatter the expectations of those of us who depend on our national heroes to demonstrate to the world the fine sporting and 'bollocks to terrorists' qualities which prevail amongst all decent hardworking Brits.