Peter Stokes
PETER STOKES – LEADER OF THE GRUMPY OLD MEN AND WOMEN POLITICAL PARTY.
You and I are to blame, along with 14.4 million members of the Apathetic Majority, for allowing well-meaning farts and fartesses, influential minority groups with vested interests and the Lying Mad-Dog Media to transform Britain into a Loser. No problem. The Grumpies, a bold and innovative new breed of exceptionally good-looking men and women will, immediately after having seized power, swiftly resolve the nation's many and varied problems, right all wrongs and transform Britain into a Winner. In the meantime, I’ll be griping about the things which cause millions of ordinary folk to be turned off by politics and politicians and attempting to shame Apathetic Arseholes into being somewhat less apathetic. You can assist by adding your name to my Grumpy Petitions, bookmarking my Grumpy Gripes and insisting all your apathetic arsehole friends do the same.
July 2009
2nd – - Communities Secretary John Denham told the Fabian Society Think Tank that the political left has got it wrong. He fears their belief in egalitarianism (all people are equal and deserve equal rights and opportunities) is going to lose support for the Labour Party amongst non-egalitarian minded middle class voters. Wow! Good on you John Denham. That's going to go down like a lead balloon with the fanatical left - yet another influential minority group the Apathetic Majority are allowing to punch far above their weight.
1st – Gordon Brown pledged to give local people more priority when allocating social housing. Sounds good. Did this pledge come out of the same stable as the one our Leader gave to the nation about swiftly deporting all foreigners crass enough to commit a crime upon our shores? If so, we can forget it, especially since current human rights legislation forbids it and Harriet Harman's forthcoming Equability Bill makes it illegal to discriminate in favour of local people.
1st – "The OFCD have done for me," screamed Gordon. "Now calm down," I said, gently tightening his straightjacket restraints by another couple of notches. "Just because the OFCD say more than 70% of all jobs created in the past ten years have gone to immigrants doesn't necessarily mean you’re going to lose even more votes. In fact now might be the time to play the 'Shock & Stun' strategy you’ve been holding in reserve all these years." "What, you mean the one where I shock and stun everybody and capture their loyalty, affection and votes by telling them the truth." Gordon snickered. "Yes," I said, "that's the one. Stand tall, look the British workforce straight in the eye and tell them that the reason no employer in their right mind would consider them for any of those 1.5 million new jobs was because most of them weren't prepared to humiliate themselves by doing menial work, had priced themselves out of the market and had morphed into work-shy sickness-prone troublemakers more concerned with their diversity, equality and compensation rights, freedoms and privileges than getting in on time and doing a fair day's work for a fair day's pay. They’ll love it." "Do you really think that will work?" said Gordon, sucking feverishly on a raspberry flavoured jelly-baby?" "Ask Peter, the Prince of Darkness, Mandelson," I said, "it was him who put me up to making the suggestion."

June 2009
30th – Ed Balls says future public spending cuts are not inevitable. Ballocks! He knows Britain can't fork out nearly £50 billion annually in interest payments plus £billions to support escalating unemployment levels and not make cuts somewhere. Of course he also knows that admitting (and detailing) any such cuts will risk losing votes from everybody adversely affected by his proposed cuts. It'll be interesting to see how much longer the government is prepared to withstand the growing rage of every Brit at their continuing refusal to admit the truth before they do the unthinkable and risk losing votes from existing supporters by actually telling them the truth.
27th – A Benenden Healthcare Society report reveals it's costing the taxpayer £zillions each year for council workers who take nearly double the number of 'sick' days off as their private sector counterparts. This because council workers are inherently more prone to becoming sick than private sector employees. Bollocks! It's because those employees who will always abuse any available privilege if they can get away with it, whether employed by councils or private companies, are being allowed to get away with it by incompetent council chiefs. The sort of heat bearing down on our politicians should now be focused on council chiefs. Urgently.
26th – A violent immigrant with 18 convictions has been successfully appealing his deportation to Somalia for three years whilst wet-knickered wimps and sissies continue to debate whether it's safe for him to be sent home. Now, since he can't be deported within a reasonable time and therefore can't be lawfully detained, he's been set free to prowl the streets even though the judiciary accepts he'll almost certainly continue to re-offend. Gordon Brown gave a pledge that foreigners committing crimes would be deported. The majority of Brits want them to be deported. How much longer is the nation going to tolerate politically correct farts and fartesses in the judiciary stuffing the fine print of the Human Rights Act up the noses of the British public - and that of our Leader?
26th – Council workers are now expecting councils to pay them a class-action-style compensation bonanza of hundreds of £millions, courtesy of our equality laws and the politically correct interpretation of them by fat-fingered lawyers. 14.4 million Apathetic Arseholes agree this to be the right and proper use of our equality laws. Bollocks! Equality laws were introduced to protect individuals from discriminatory practices, not create a pig fest for scavenging sleazebag lawyers seeking to exploit inevitable loopholes by demanding the letter rather than the spirit/intent of the law must be blindly applied.
24th – "Keith," I said, sending him reeling with a crashing blow from a mighty right hand, "how many times must I tell you that 14.4 Apathetic Arseholes don't want to hear your oily excuses about why a £million has been lavished upon a single family of failed asylum seekers. They want the naked bodies of the totally incompetent milksops responsible for this latest bleeding heart save-an-immigrant-Munchkin scheme to be soundly thrashed and dragged through the streets by their heels."
24th – Please, please, please Mr Speaker, make my day and that of 14.4 million Apathetic Arseholes by insisting, at Prime Ministers Questions today, that the Prime Minister gives a straight answer to a straight question.
18th – Minister for Women Harriet Harman says that the constitution of the BMP, which bars non-whites from membership, will become illegal once her equality bill is passed. "There is no place for a political party in this country to have an apartheid constitution and the equality bill will prevent this from being the case," said she. Am I going barmy or is this not the self-same equality bill which blatantly discriminates against white males by giving equally qualified females and ethnic minorities preferential treatment when selecting members to the board of all government controlled organisations? Does she think that employing women and ethnic minorities will automatically increase the cost effectiveness, team spirit and overall performance of each and every participating organisation, decrease racial tension and conflict and avoid triggering a spate of spurious compensation claims by indignant Caroline Flint lookalikes hopping mad their views aren't being accorded the reverence they consider their ever-so-phony appointments should inherently command? Or is this equality bill just a brazen attempt to influence the female and ethnic minority vote and wind up the nation's 14.4 million Apathetic Arseholes?
18th – Politically correct maggots in the NHS have identified Gypsies and Travellers as being minority ethnic groups entitled, under human rights race law, to priority treatment. They have therefore issued instructions for them to be fast-tracked and given priority treatment in NHS hospitals and GP surgeries. So, Gypsies and Travellers can now jump queues with impunity, They don't need to bother about making appointments and will be allotted twice the time GPs normally allot ordinary hardworking folk. These particular NHS maniacs have scored a double whammy. Not only have they managed to enrage the majority of Brits, they've enraged all the other ethnic minority groups who, under human rights race law, also qualify for preferential treatment but have not, as yet, been offered it by the NHS. Who are these people? We need to know. They currently occupy pole position in the Grumpy Team's keenly fought Wanker of the Month competition.
17th – Speaking to the BBC's Law In Action programme, Dr Eileen Vizard, a child psychiatrist with the NSPCC's Child Offender Service, said 14 or 15 should be a minimum age for children to be held responsible for any criminal actions they commit. Is this woman, I ask myself, being deliberately controversial with a view to being short-listed on the highly prestigious and keenly fought Grumpy Wanker of the Month Award, or is she serious?
17th – Five thousand nine hundred and eighty old folk are abused each week. No problem. Gordon Brown stated in the House today that any abuse against the elderly was unacceptable. So, that's OK then. Those with a penchant for beating up on the elderly will, no doubt, heed Gordon's fine words. Bollocks! When are the nation's Apathetic Arseholes going to tell the wet-knickered wimps and sissies running this country to stop indulging their own totally selfish finer feelings and start actioning their limp-wristed pledge to be 'tough on crime and the causes of crime?'
17th – A drunken thug with a previous conviction of assaulting a women smashes one of our Girls in Blue in the face, scars her for life and walks free with an 18 week suspended sentence, a community service order and a £500 fine because Britain can't afford the £30,000 a year it costs to incarcerate violent thugs. The Grumpy Old Men & Women Political Party will, immediately after having seized power, repeal the 1987 Act which abolished corporal punishment and re-introduce violent thugs to a world of fear and pain. Those who fail to respond favourably to increasing levels of pain will be transferred to the Grumpy Pie-in-the-Sky Factory.
14th – Riam Dean, 22, wants Abercrombie & Fitch to give her £25,000 compensation. I'd like to think her actions, and those of so many others currently claiming compensation, were primarily influenced by common sense and fair play rather than by opportunistic greed and the presence of fat-fingered lawyers. But I don't. The easy money to be gained by making spurious claims for compensation hasn't just made the day for liars, thieves, cheats and lawyers, it's polluted the tiny little minds of the British public. The compensation culture has finally forced the Genie out of the bottle. Greed and envy are now in the public domain and humanity's disgusting unmentionables are hung on the line for all to see. And what an ugly depressing sight they all are. What chance respect, for ourselves or for others, now everybody can see what pathetic, lying, thieving, cheating, selfish, hypocritical, money-grubbing little shits and shitesses we all are.
13th – My son wanted to know what Diversity & Equality Managers do. I told him influential minority groups had been so successful in introducing so much politically correct discrimination-based legislation it had become necessary to employ Equality and Diversity executives to explain to everybody how to get through the day without being sued by oversensitive wimps and sissies for unlimited amounts of money; that it was now obligatory for all government departments and large companies to employ Diversity & Equality executives; that any of the 4.5 million companies employing less than ten people who attempted to hire or fire staff without first seeking the advice of an experienced Diversity & Equality consultant were going to be in deep shit; that most Employment Tribunals occur because employers make procedural errors; that the extra cost to the nation to support our politically correct Diversity & Equality culture now runs into £zillions. My son said, "You’re joking." I said, "No, I'm not."
13th – Teenager Joe Dymond-Williams didn't die today. Two teenagers punched and kicked him to death whilst under the influence of drink. The punishment meted out to them will undoubtedly cause them, and others like them, to think twice before kicking innocent members of the public to death whenever the mood, or the drink, takes them. Bollocks! Innocent members of the public will continue to be subjected to acts of mindless violence until such time as government is prepared to demonstrate, unequivocally, that such behaviour is totally unacceptable. The Grumpy Party will publicly hang, draw and quarter anybody who kicks a defenceless person to death - within hours of a guilty verdict having been declared.
12th – Ministers are going to impose a legal duty upon government to support families by ending child poverty by 2020. Work and Pensions Secretary Yvette Cooper said the government was planning to invest £5bn in unemployment relief in an effort to reduce child poverty (as well as forking out £42.9 billion annually to service Britain’s current national debt). The BBC News Channel defined the 2.9 million of our little Munchkins living in poverty as those resident in a household earning less than 60% of the national average income who may not, due to their parents having frittered away their welfare payments on booze, drugs, fags or gambling: -
1) have at least one week’s family holiday a year
2) have their own bedroom if aged over ten
3) have leisure equipment such as sports equipment
4) have celebrations on special occasions
5) have swimming at least once a month
6) have a hobby or leisure activity
7) have friends around for tea or a snack once a fortnight
8) have toddler group/nursery/playgroup at least once a week
9) have outdoor space or facilities nearby to play safely
10) go on school trips.
Will somebody please tell me, who are the completely-out-of-touch raving lunatics who are labouring under the delusion that their definition of child poverty will gain the overwhelming sympathy/support of the great British public.
11th – "The NHS is going to run out of money," screamed Gordon. Several members of the cabinet immediately proceeded to slash their wrists. "Please, please, please Mr Stokes," they cried, tell us how the NHS can continue to offer the same level of service with less money." "No problem," I said, "Just limit free access to all the decent hardworking Brits with a track record of making NHS contributions. Everybody else will have to pay." "Oh my God," shrieked Gordon, face and body stiffening with fear. "Please don't ever say things like that, even in jest. Don't you realize how much that would upset work-shy spongers, immigrants, recidivists and overseas visitors on a 'medical' holiday. What an earth would I say to them when they started to demand all their rights, freedoms and privileges?" "You'd say 'Bollocks' to all your rights, freedoms and privileges," I said. "Then you'd say, 'think not what your country can do for you, you lying, thieving, cheating bunch of cheapskate parasites, think what you can do for your country. Then you can tell them to piss off and don't bother to come back because, as a fine upstanding Leader far more concerned with getting Britain back on its feet than with gaining or losing a few miserable votes, you need to be spending your time transforming Britain into a Winner, not funding the birth-to-grave lifestyles of a bunch of bloodsucking maggots.
10th – More revelations of expense fiddles by politicians. The problem isn't that politicians are fiddling their expenses; the problem is they think fiddling expenses is OK if they observe the letter rather than the spirit/intent of the law. The lying mad-dog media think politicians should apologise; they think politicians should evidence some shame and contrition. But why should they? Lawyers don't. Lawyers have been ignoring the spirit/intent of the law ever since literalist judge Lord Tenterden stipulated, in the 19th century, that the letter rather than the spirit of the law should be followed, "regardless of the consequences." One of the consequences is that so many lawyers have now been trousering so much money for so long they consider the practice to be an integral part of their national heritage and will kill rather than consider alternative (better) methods of dispensing justice. Another consequence was the mistaken perception of the idiot public that blind pursuit of the letter of the law somehow imbued lawyers with rare qualities/traits which made them inherently more trustworthy. Hardly surprising then, given most of our politicians are either trained lawyers, married to lawyers or constantly eating, drinking or doing business with lawyers, that politicians are eager to subscribe to the same financially agreeable codes of conduct as those cherished and practiced by lawyers.
10th – Another crippling 24 hour RMT tube strike. How many times has Bob Crow conspired to inflict maximum inconvenience to the travelling public, create havoc amongst the business community and stick the taxpayer for the cost? Am I alone in thinking the man to be a power-crazed maniac who, under a very thin guise of representing the interests of union members, is deliberately and maliciously attempting to ruin Britain? How much deeper in debt does Britain have to sink and how much longer is the trade union movement going to allow him to continue tarnish their image before the TUC decide enough is enough and rid the nation of this bully-boy? God help us if he's still around when Britain attempts to stage the Olympics!
5th – Caroline Flint resigns and accuses the Prime Minister of using women as window dressing - and of never seeking her opinion. Was her nose put out because she felt her opinion was particularly worthy of consideration by the PM or was she gutted because the feminist sector of the lying mad-dog media had failed to demand/convince our PM he must not only give preferential career treatment to women, regardless of ability, he must also seek the opinion of women politicians, regardless of worth? Or maybe she was just pissed because Gordon, even at a time of extreme personal vulnerability, wouldn't dream of considering her for a cabinet position no matter how much she begged, pleaded or threatened. Either way, she clearly didn't give a rats arse about the injurious effect her actions will undoubtedly have on the many genuinely capable women who have worked long and hard to justify their position in government.
1st – "Take you hands off me you filthy swine," screamed Gordon as he struggled to clamber from a cauldron of hot tar being prepared for him by slavering members of his cabinet. Not for them the gentlemanly stab in the back. They had him lined up to assume lead role in a nasty surprise tar-and-feathering extravaganza." I want to know what Mr. Stokes thinks of my plan to relinquish more power to the man in the street," he gurgled. "It’s brilliant," I said. "It will fool the dimwitted public into believing they'll have more of a say in public affairs and avoid you being held personally responsible for doing anything which might possibly upset somebody." My prediction for the month is that few politicians will be attempting to transform Britain into a winner this month. They'll all be far too busy ducking and diving with a view to protecting jobs, salaries - and allowances.

May 2009
29th – One good thing to come out of the expenses scandal is that our politicians and bureaucrats have, for the first time in generations, lost the moral high ground and are vulnerable. They're now prepared to consider doing things they'd never previously have dreamt of considering. Apathetic Arseholes who have something they want to say should stand up and say it. They'll never have a better opportunity.
25th – Politicians are in deep shit because they conspired to bridge the gap between what they were earning and what they felt they should have been earning. They made up the difference (and a bit more) by allocating themselves extra 'allowances.' They would, of course, have much preferred to increase their salaries periodically to a level they considered to desirable but thought, rightly, this would upset everybody and lose them votes and jobs. They thought/hoped nobody would notice the conspiracy but exposed their fear of discovery by foolishly attempting to table a totally outrageous Parliamentary motion in January 2009 which, had it been successful, would have removed politicians of both Houses from the scope of the Freedom of Information Act. This would have exempted all politicians from having to disclose full details of their expenses. Had this parliamentary plot succeeded (because plot is what it was) nobody would have been able to acquire the sort of information necessary to expose the extent to which our politicians were living high off the hog at the public’s expense. Fact is, one would have had more respect for our politicians had they admitted (when caught with their hands in the till) that they'd just been attempting to top up their salaries by fiddling their expenses – which is bad but nowhere near as bad as the reason they advanced to justify their many and varied claims for expenses. As a spokeswomen for Transport Secretary Geoff Hoon so eloquently put it, "The claims are entirely within the rules." In short, anything goes providing it’s in writing including, it would seem, ethics, common sense, fair play, respect, dignity and honour. Am I dreaming or didn't that excuse originate from the same stable as the defence offered by the Nazis at Nuremburg to justify their many and varied atrocities? Either way, the nation would be indebted to the lying mad-dog media if they spent less time attempting to ruin the lives of our politicians for petty cash infringements and more time demanding our politicians now take the helm and fight the good fight to rid Britain of immoral, corrupt and pathetic politically correct practices.
20th – A driver has been disciplined for putting passengers lives at risk by not following safety procedures after having opened doors on the wrong side of the train. Fortunately, politically correct equality and diversity farts and fartesses were on hand to swiftly resolve the matter to everybody's satisfaction by organizing two 24-hour strikes designed to bring chaos to our underground system.
15th – The Grumpy Party is an equal opportunities employer totally committed to creating, producing and delivering professional advice, guidance and documentation supporting an equality, diversity and human rights agenda centered on respect, diversity, equality, human rights, and fair treatment to everybody irrespective of race, colour, nationality, ethnic or national origin, religion, age, disability, gender, sexual orientation, marital status, ex-offending background or indeed any potentially discriminating factor which might hint of a capacity to commit to a fair day's work for a fair day's pay. Our focus is on the development, consultation and implementation of effective, pro-active and accessible equality and diversity schemes, strategies and policies, leading to the development and implementation of meaningfully coherent and accessible equality and diversity-focused solutions enabling colleagues and key stakeholders to take lead responsibility for identifying and actioning priority employment and service developments to ensure equitable delivery of employment practices and care, facilitating networks, forums and other channels of communication in conjunction with internal and external stakeholders. Bollocks!
10th – We should encourage politicians to occupy non-executive positions on the boards of major companies. They’ll acquire valuable business experience which can be put to good use in the House and provide crucial advice to companies on production, IT, equality and diversity, systems, administration, sales and marketing matters. Bollocks! The only reason I would sanction any of my companies offering a handsome money, pensions and/or fringe benefits package to a politician with nil business qualifications, training or experience would be if he or she were prepared and able to provide me with meaningful lobbying opportunities or valuable insider information. Or am I missing something?
4th – The lying mad-dog media are spreading disingenuous information aimed at justifying the removal of 800,000 ‘innocents’ whose DNA is retained on our database. Apparently thousands of innocent people haven’t been able to sleep a wink for fear of having their privacy compromised. Bollocks! They’re not worried about their privacy being compromised; they’re worried about their life of crime being interrupted when our Boys in Blue finally manage to collar them, courtesy of a DNA match. Fact is, few of these 800,000 are actually innocent. Our Boys just haven’t been able to prove them guilty, mostly because of the mountains of PC bureaucracy and red tape dumped on them by the nation’s farts and fartesses. What’s the betting most of these 800,000 so-called innocents, (which no doubt includes countless thousands of feral out-of-control juvenile snots) are died-in-the-wool liars, thieves, cheats, bullies, louts, villains, perverts and homicidal maniacs and that most crimes committed tomorrow and into the future will stem from this evil swamp of villainous ‘innocence.’ Apathetic Arseholes should establish the truth for themselves and, having done so, ask all their mates how they feel about being treated like a bunch of dick-heads by the lying mad-dog media.
2nd – Sounds like veteran women's campaigner Erin Pizzey accepts that women have won the battle but lost the war. She thinks the concept of women successfully combining a career and a family to be something of a myth. Apparently, women’s hard-won right and freedoms aren’t making it easier to secure better-paid jobs and freedom of choice and aren't allowing them to live a totally fulfilled family life. The feminist sector of the lying-mad-dog media is, of course, to blame. They've been preying on the emotions of our sweet and vulnerable young girls without let for generations. As a consequence, many women actually feel guilty if they’re unable to juggle a successful career with family/children responsibilities or daydream about a life which involves husbands being the breadwinner and wives looking after the home and family. The Grumpy Party will, immediately after having seized power, be reintroducing traditional family structures, values and commitments. All Apathetic Arseholes, particularly the gentler variety, should tell the man-hating feminist sector of the lying mad-dog media to stop beating the same pathetic old drum and get a life.
1st – "Please, please, please, Mr Stokes, take over as Speaker of the House, effective immediately, and sweep all this embarrassing expenses stuff under the carpet as quickly as possible," begged Gordon. "Bollocks" I said, "and get up off your knees. You're embarrassing me." My prediction for the month is that Mick will resign as Speaker before the end of this month.

April 2009
28th – Having already imposed near pariah status upon women seeking a job the very influential but very short-sighted women's lobby will be shrieking with delight at Harriet Harman's latest efforts to make Britain more equal by introducing, at a time of national crises, another new equality bill for women that will definitely enthuse the business community and ensure more women secure more jobs and receive more pay. Bollocks!
21st –Politicians, one of the least admired of our influential minority groups, are determined to stop abusing their expense privileges and agree a new transparent system that will reflect their true costs. Bollocks! Our politicians have set themselves the quite difficult task of agreeing a new system that will placate the public by creating the illusion an axe has been taken to all expense abuses but which will still, somehow, enable them to continue trousering the same or more money each month. OK, so most of us, given the same opportunity, would conduct ourselves in much the same way. That doesn’t mean we should let them off the hook. If they want to talk the talk they should be made to walk the walk.
12th –A heterosexual family is fighting to stop their children being adopted by a gay couple. Personally, I must confess to feeling somewhat uncomfortable about the sort of things homosexuals presumably get up to behind closed doors but, given it happens behind closed doors, I wholeheartedly support the laws which protect them, and all minority groups, from being badly treated just because they ain't like the rest of us. That said, I resent the success minority groups enjoy by playing the discrimination card and setting their fat-fingered lawyers on anything that moves when forcing through legislation that doesn't hit the right note with the majority of us Brits. Which, presumably, is why we now have to comply with laws that allow same-sex couples to adopt our tiny little heterosexual Munchkins against the will of their immediate kith and kin. Am I dreaming or has the world gone barmy?
I felt bad enough trying not to think about what my Mum and Dad were getting up to in the next bedroom so I shudder to think what our poor little heterosexual mites are going to be thinking/feeling when subjected to same-sex parents gaily banging away with wild abandon in their near vicinity. I also shudder to think what the local bullies are going to be saying/doing to them at school when the word gets out but what really pisses me off is the hypocrisy of the people involved, all of whom will have that pious 'our only thoughts are for the children' look stitched on their very smug faces. Bollocks! Their thoughts are either centered on how they can protect their jobs by erring on the side of political correctness or how they can rack up yet another success for the gay rights movement. One thing is for sure. Fat-fingered lawyers are laughing all the way to the bank.
12th – Gordon Brown, our mighty Leader, is working on a bold plan. It involves gently persuading all young people to contribute 50 hours toward community work by the age of nineteen. What an apathetic and very sad little plan. The Grumpy Party has a bigger, bolder and slightly less user-friendly plan. Our plan involves gently telling all idle little shites they'll be contributing towards community work each and every week they remain unemployed until their 65th birthday or be on the receiving end of some fear, pain, terror, deprivation or death.
10th – A woman is slapped after screaming abuse at police during the G20 demonstrations. The facts aren't all in but that doesn't matter. The lying mad-dog media have, predictably, seized the opportunity to promote the concept that the Metropolitan Police are Institutionally violent/aggressive. Bollocks! Our Boys in Blue are the best in the world but the media won't stop howling for the blood of a copper, any copper, until yet another career is ruined or in shreds. One might have more respect for the media if they presented a more balanced selection of the facts. They might, for instance, have given details of any discriminatory or highly provocative filth or abuse the woman concerned had hurled at our Boys; or whether both the abuse and the filming were part of some slimy set-up to discredit the real protectors of our freedoms; or how many tens of thousands of pounds she'll be receiving from the lying mad-dog media, via Max Clifford, for revealing her totally biased version of the incident.
6th – It's official. The behaviour of children and parents has deteriorated in the past five years. Teachers are being terrorized in their own homes by juvenile snots. Boundaries set by the Well-Intentioned aren't being observed. Teacher delegates to the ATL's annual conference feel that schools should take a tougher line with naughty boys and girls and called on the membership to adopt a zero tolerance on Munchkin violence. Another enquiry is scheduled to identify the cause and a possible solution to the problem.
What a bunch of wet-knickered wimps and sissies. When are they going to realize that what juvenile snots want and need is sudden and violent exposure to an ever-so caring but totally merciless Attila-the-Hun style regime of fear, pain, terror, deprivation and death.
2nd – Successful lobbying of The Equality and Human Rights Commission by members of the minority group 'Let's Ruin Britain's Economy' has resulted in yet another major coup. Fathers, as well as mothers, are soon to receive more parental paid leave.
2nd –A survey by the Education Travel Group reveals that four out of ten teachers are reluctant to organize trips for children for fear of ending up neck deep in litigation should any of their little Munchkin charges experience anything untoward. Sad, isn't it? Sadder is the fact that this is but one of so many rights and freedoms now denied us since the legal profession foisted the compensation culture upon us.
1st – The Department for Transport informed Westminster Council that a legal loophole has been found which prevents the £10m they’ve just spent on traffic surveillance equipment being used in Central London. Yet another triumph for civil rights groups and their fat-fingered lawyers who continue to trouser grotesque amounts of money simply by applying the letter rather than the spirit/intent of the law. How much more expense/damage are these people going to impose upon us before that Sleeping Giant, the Apathetic Majority gets up off its idle bum and starts to make its presence felt?
1st – "Please, please, please," screamed Alistair,  "Tell me what I can do that won't upset anybody and lose me votes and maybe my job. "I don't give a shite about your votes or your job." I snarled as I flung him out of the window. "You’re going to be history soon whatever happens. Why not go out in a blaze of glory and tell the public you think they’re all a load of dim-witted wankers and that all politicians deserve a huge pay rise." My prediction for the month is that he won't.

March 2009
27th – Big business has rejected Peter Mandelson's voluntary scheme to help small business by settling their bills within a reasonable time. Truth is, big business was never going to sign up to such a deal. The Grumpies would demand all companies pay suppliers an extra 5% above base on all invoices that aren't settled within 30 Days.
24th – Amnesty International, an influential minority group, would have us believe the death penalty to be a 'cruel, inhuman and degrading punishment.' The Chinese obviously disagree. Truth is, most people in Britain are in favour of capital punishment. That said, one must congratulate Amnesty International and their propaganda machine for somehow convincing themselves (and us) they are more civilised and morally superior to those of us crass enough to support capital punishment.
23rd – Tony McNulty has voluntarily stopped claiming £14,000 a year for living expenses he didn't incur. He accepts he was observing the letter rather than the spirit/intent of the law. Truth is, politicians have been too scared to increase their salaries to a level they consider to be appropriate because they knew they'd create a stink and lose votes/jobs. So they have an understanding amongst themselves that all of them should inflate their expenses to bridge the gap between what they're paid and what they believe they should be paid.
23rd – The Mail Online revealed that hung juries cost the taxpayer £30 million in 2008 (a 100% increase over the past two years). What a waste. Worse, it's costing £hundreds of millions annually to support jury based trials. They're painstakingly slow, cost around £70,000 a day and the outcome is often in doubt. Why not scrap them? Justice would be swifter, cheaper and fairer.
22nd – Zahid Mubarek was placed in a cell in 2000 with a known racist prisoner and killed. Thereafter, all prisons in England and Wales had to employ the services of a full-time head of diversity. This solution had more to do with covering the incompetent arses of those involved and meeting the demands of the morally self-righteous than with any thought of providing what might be considered a 'measured response' to the problem.
20th – So, ethnic minority pupils, including those whose first language isn't English, put white boys to shame in the education stakes. Would that, I wonder, have anything to do with the respect that most ethnic minority children have for their parents, their religion, authority and themselves?
20th – Terminally ill people in full control of their senses should not be allowed to die a dignified pain-free death of their choosing. Anybody helping them should feel the full weight of the 14-year prison sentence set by the 1961 Suicide Act. So say those who don't have the guts to put an end to a life (their own or that of a relative or dear friend) of interminable pain, despair and indignity but would self-righteously deny the ultimate right to those who do. But, now that Patricia Hewitt has raised the subject, where are all the very smug self-appointed protectors of our human rights and civil liberties? And what advice do they have? Are they going to tell us we don’t have the right to die?
18th – Council leaders have compiled a list of 200 words/phrases which staff must avoid. Are these the same council leaders who draw fat-cat salaries and retire early on guaranteed paid-for-by-the-private-sector-taxpayer pensions? I have this horrible vision of thousands of dimwitted counselors with nothing better to do with their time than confer (nationwide) with thousands of other dimwits about whether 'Arseholes of the Month' qualifies to be included in their jargon-busting list.
16th – The Daily Mail reveals that Keith Vaz has used and abused his position on behalf of his named and shamed lawyer drinking pal, Sean Mireskandari. But it wasn't the abuse of his position that irritated me, it was that he should, when writing to the High Court, blatantly stress his concern about the way in which this 'ethnic-minority' firm of solicitors had been treated. Does Keith think that ethnic minorities are somehow entitled to preferential treatment in the eyes of the law? I'm sure he does. As do many influential ethnic minority groups who appear not to understand, or maybe just don't care, that the more blatant the abuse of our discrimination laws by their members the greater the depth of resentment experienced by decent hardworking folk throughout Britain.
16th – Conservative MEP Philip Bradbourn has asked the Secretary General to reveal the name of the person and the cost of a new publication produced by the EU which bans, amongst other things, the use of 'Miss' and 'Mrs' because Brussels bureaucrats feel the words to be sexist and insufficiently 'gender-neutral.' This momentarily unnamed PC maniac is currently occupying pole position in the Grumpy's coveted 'Arsehole of the Month Award' but must be identified, seized and thrashed to within an inch of his or her life.
13th – Osama tells me he's going to ruin Britain. His Master Plan is to secure the services of highly principled lawyers and human rights activists prepared to don the discrimination and civil liberties mantle on his behalf and bully/shame the nation into accepting a culture of compensation, multiculturalism, political correctness, human rights excesses and gross indebtedness; a legal system which ignores common sense and blindly pursues the letter rather than the spirit/intent of the law; juvenile snots who defy, disrespect and humiliate parents, teachers and our Boys in Blue with impunity; the introduction of a rights-without-responsibility benefit-dependent culture that will undermine the work ethic and stifle initiative; the breakdown of traditional family structures and values; a level of bureaucratic red tape that will cripple our business community; poorly controlled levels of immigration and a political elite obsessed with power, influence and votes to the exclusion of all else. Better yet, he's also going to make so much money available to London's City Slickers our economy will collapse under the weight of their collective greed. "Wake up Osama," I said. "You're way too late. Somebody has already beaten you to it."
12th – Lord Laming should be congratulated for his latest recommendations on child protection. Bollocks! The reaction to the report by employers and employees engaged in any form of social work will be (righty so) to cover their arses with even more paperwork and avoid, at all costs, allowing common sense to cloud their judgment. The Sixty/Forty Law is alive and kicking. The Grumpy Team will recruit mature social workers physically and mentally capable of dealing, when required, with some of the worst scum of the earth. We'll pay them a decent salary, provide them with essential instructions written on one side of one A4 sheet of paper, offer them the best help, advice and support money can buy, encourage them to give the job their very best shot, present them with a sympathetic shoulder to cry on when required and rip the throat out of anybody who attempts to destroy them for making the occasional mistake.
Personal – - I'd like to hear from a Grumpy accountant, preferably in Buckinghamshire, who knows all about political party accounting procedures - and a Grumpy lawyer capable of protecting me from the slavering jaws of litigation-crazed extremists who don't appreciate my efforts to introduce a touch of political humour/satire into their ever-so-sad lives.
10th – Britain denies Antigua the right to hang the murderers of British honeymoon couple. And so we should. Decent civilised people wouldn't want to leave murdering swine kicking and chocking on the end of a fine hemp rope. Which is why The Grumpy Old Men & Women Political Party will, immediately after seizing power, be inviting homicidal maniacs, recidivists and those who can't be trusted to mingle nicely amongst decent hardworking folk, to visit our slightly controversial but totally non-boring new Pie-in-the-Sky-Factory.
7th – The business community shouldn't be allowed to access the track records of people they're considering employing. Bollocks! It would be a catastrophe for any company, especially a small company, to inadvertently employ some totally unreliable and incompetent trouble-making compensation-crazed racist, pervert or anarchist hell-bent on bringing the company to it's knees. The Grumpy Old Men Political Party will, immediately after having seized power, ensure the business community has free access to accurate track records of all such people.
6th – There were hold ups of 15 minutes due to excessive traffic on the A31 today. Compensation solicitor offers free legal claims advice to anybody involved in this 'accident.'
5th – PC loonies employed by the BBC use disreputable 'debate' ploy to promote their own deeply held discriminatory views. Knowing that most decent hardworking folk wouldn't dare say anything which might bring the sex, sexual orientation, race, ethnicity, diversity, faith, disability, age, gender, marital status, human rights or civil liberty squads etc down about their ears they've ingenuously kicked off the 'debate' by posing the question, "Are men and women treated equally at work?" To avoid any suggestion of bias on their part, and confirm their total neutrality, they also state that 'forty years after the Equal Pay Act, surveys still show women are paid significantly less than men for similar work.' I wonder how many of these loony authorities on best business practice have ever pondered the question, 'if women are receiving less money than men for doing similar work, why are millions of companies unnecessarily inflating payroll costs (usually their biggest single overhead) by recruiting men rather than similarly qualified women?'
4th – A Whitehall report says social work services have been in decline for years. Hardly surprising. Most social workers have been trained/brain-washed by well-intentioned farts and fartesses into becoming well-intentioned clones who believe (hope) problem families will react favourably to kind words and good intentions. Introduction to the shock/horror facts of life accounts for the many who leave the profession, the many who remain and merely pay lip service to the job and the many unfilled vacancies in virtually every district. The Grumpies will select people with backbone and teach them how to practice the lost art of instilling fear, pain, terror and appreciation into the lucky beneficiaries of our social services.
3rd – Perhaps some Insider will tell me the extent to which the move to privatize part of the Royal Mail is motivated by management finally accepting their attempts to eradicate restrictive and institutionally corrupt working practices within the organization have failed. And why the Lying Mad-Dog Media choose not to mention the subject
1st – Retired postmistress reduced to tears in dock during two-day trial for whacking foul-mouthed thug with some rolled up papers now has a criminal record and a £3,000 legal bill. The CPS said "A decision was taken to prosecute in accordance with the code for prosecutors." Am I dreaming or isn't that essentially the same line of defence the Nazis were coming up with to justify some of their worst atrocities? This blind pursuit of the letter rather than the spirit/intent of the law must stop. How much longer before the Apathetic Majority rise, as one, and expose these politically correct arseholes for the maggots they are?
1st – "Where do you think we should pitch the interest rate next Thursday, Mr Stokes?" asked Merv the Swerve. "0.5 percent should do it Merv," I said. "What's your thinking behind your decision Mr Stokes?" chorused several other members of the policy committee." "Sorry," I said, "I haven't got time to go into boring stuff like that. Just get on and do it. And start printing some extra money while you're at it or, better yet, buy some assets without actually borrowing any money to secure them. Call it 'quantitative easing' or something like that. Make sure it's difficult to pronounce. It will amuse the tiny little minds of the Lying Mad-Dog Media and you can move on to another subject whilst they're still laughing." My prediction for the month is, come Thursday the 5th, we'll see another half percent off the bank rate and much gobbledygook being exchanged about expanding, for starters, the monetary base by £75billion.

February 2009
25th – Released Guantanamo detainee accused of being involved with Al Qaeda says he's innocent and claims he's been tortured. "Well he would, wouldn't he" is what Mandy Rice-Davis would have said and many, including the Grumpy Team, might be inclined to agree with her. But, guilty or not, the Lying Mad-Dog Media have already conferred star quality status upon this man. They'll soon be pressing £zillions into his hands for his 'story'. He's already receiving Brit Award red carpet treatment. Private jets, police officers, security guards, foreign office officials and personal physicians are crawling all over him in an effort to get in on the act. Fat-fingered lawyers are poised awaiting his instructions to make outrageous claims for compensation and the very smug self-appointed protectors of our human rights are busy wetting themselves. They can't wait to circulate self-righteous propaganda about American/British wickedness to every terrorist looking for just-cause to commit even more atrocities against the West. I can assure the British public, very sincerely, that the Grumpy Old Men Political Party will, given the opportunity, conduct such matters very differently.
17th – Dame Stella Rimington and the self-appointed protectors of our human rights and civil liberties are in bogeyman propaganda mode again. They're putting it about that us Brits are all so frightened of terrorists that we're allowing the government, against our wishes, to introduce antiterrorist legislation that is eroding our rights and liberties. Bollocks! The public isn't living in fear of terrorists but we do want/expect our government to take sensible precautions to protect us from them – including being able to hold them for at least 42 days, improving surveillance facilities/techniques, tightening up on immigration and border traffic, extending our DNA database and accessing all government and private sector data when necessary. We also want the judicial arm of the loonyPCfringe to start using some common sense when interpreting European human rights directives and to stop the blatant use and abuse of them by the nation's work-shy spongers, louts, villains, homicidal maniacs, terrorists, juvenile snots and their fat-fingered lawyers.
16th – Sir Alan Steer, the governments 'behaviour tsar' believes that teachers need more support and more money to help prevent unruly behaviour in the classroom; that keeping children interested is the key to maintaining good behaviour. Teachers and teacher's unions agree. So does the Grumpy Team. We'll attract and maintain the interest of all disruptive little snots by removing them from their uninteresting classrooms and rushing them to one of our ever-so-interesting deep, dark and dank subterranean Institutes of Correction. Here they'll stay until they've learnt how to read, write and conduct themselves in a civilised manner. We'll support teachers by schooling them in the art of wearing a wild-eyed 'Don't any of you kids think about messing with me' look whilst loosely dangling a blood-stained cat-o'-nine-tails from a non limp-wristed hand.
14th – Truancy has doubled in the last seven years. The good news is that truancy will be virtually eliminated soon after the Grumpy Old Men Political Party seize power and introduce our slightly controversial new Whack a Munchkin initiative.
13th – Prince Harry is to be sent on another equality and diversity training course, paid for by the taxpayer, as part of the loonyPCfringe's Master Plan to turn us all into wimps and sissies. Given that the vast majority of all Brits (black or white) bitterly resent being denied the right to freely express their true feelings about equality and diversity and the vast majority of all immigrants just wish that nobody had ever mentioned the subject one might have thought the loonyPCfringe would have got the message and crawled back into their holes. But no. Why should they? They're having a whale of a time demonstrating how the few can make such fools of the many. Please, please, please, add your name to my Grumpy PC petition.
12th – Keith Vaz has made a determined bid for the Grumpy's coveted 'Arsehole of the Month Award' with his confession that his conduct had been such that Boris Johnson, the People's Politician, had been obliged to give him a verbal Anglo Saxon slapping. Keith's oily rejection of the suggestion he had recorded the telephone conversation with Boris and subsequently leaked a virtual word-for-word transcript to the Lying Mad-Dog Media would have occasioned nods of approval from seasoned loonyPCfringe smear campaigners. The Grumpy smugometer had to be recalibrated after scanning Keith.
10th – Gordon and Yvette were looking pleased with themselves this morning. I said, "You two are looking mighty pleased with yourselves this morning". Gordon said. "Yes we are. We were worried that Traders might appeal to the European Court of Human Rights if we attempted to stop their bonuses so, instead, we're going to appeal to their sense of decency and ask them to waive any bonuses to which they're legally entitled. "You dim-witted pair of totally-out-of-touch tossers", I said, "The only way those Jack-the-lads are going to decline anything is if you threaten to fling the lot of them into jail for 42 days pending charging them with sedition, treason and conspiring to ruin the British economy".
10th – The Welsh Chapter of the loonyPCfringe are now pressing for new equality and diversity laws that will force companies, at their expense, to produce printed communications in both Welsh and English. This concept undoubtedly qualifies loonyPCfringe volunteers to participate in the Grumpy's ever-so-reasonable You-Want-It-You-Pay-For-It initiative.
9th – Although I abhor the concept of torture I must confess I would, in order to make them reveal the location, unhesitatingly torture any maniac who had buried my children alive in an unmarked grave pending the receipt of a ransom I couldn't possibly afford to pay. And I'd expect all caring parents, other than the clinically squeamish and those consumed with some grotesque sense of moral self-righteousness, to do the same. But what about the maniacs who have imposed a ransom upon our culture we can't possibly afford to pay and who, right now, are busily attempting to assemble chemical, biological and explosive devices that could lay waste to our cities and destroy the lives of thousands of our children. Would I, as Leader of the Grumpy Old Men Political Party, sanction the use of torture to prevent the potential destruction of our cities and all who live in them? Of course I would - and I'd expect any Leader of any Party, no matter how much they personally abhorred the concept of torture, to put the safety of the nation and the lives of decent hardworking folk before their own sanctimonious views. That doesn't mean I approve of indiscriminate torture. The Home Secretary of the day should be personally responsible for authorizing the very rare instances where it was deemed necessary. Those currently displaying near hysterical levels of moral outrage at the suggestion that governments sanction torture might reconsider their position when it finally sinks in that the lives of their own loved ones are at risk and may be forfeit. Mass death and destruction by some terrorist group or another is going to happen. It's only a matter of time. Somebody knows who and where these people are. What are you going to do if you catch one of them?
Question – Perhaps some insider will tell me how much of the £50 million paid to the Duke of Sutherland for a painting by Titian was paid for, without their permission, by the taxpayer. Also the names of the Political Elite who authorised the use of public money for this purpose, the names of the most persuasive lobbyists who induced them to do so and the nature of the inducements.
6th – The BBC chose to fire Carol Thatcher for not broadcasting the word 'Gollywog' and not firing Jeremy Clarkson for broadcasting a somewhat inaccurate insult aimed specifically at our Prime Minister. The reason for this gross act of discrimination by the BBC relates to the fact that the organisation is managed by people who are either practicing members of the loonyPCfringe or are, with good reason, scared shitless of losing their jobs if they aren't seen to be actively supporting the wave of hysterical political correctness currently devouring our nation. Pusillanimous members of the loonyPCfringe went after Carol rather than Jeremy because they thought, rightly so, that Carol was an easy target. They wouldn't dare go after Jeremy because they know that most of his psychopath supporters would, as one, rise up and stamp every last PC worm into the ground in a trice.
3rd – A third of our schools were closed today because of fears parents would sue local authorities for compensation if their little Munchkins fell on the ice and hurt themselves. Ed said "Closing schools today had nothing to do with fears that parents would claim compensation". I said "Bollocks Ed". My advice to parents who suffered inconvenience or expense as a result of schools being closed is to vent their spleen on the Politically Correct and the fat-fingered lawyers who are responsible for our compensation-gone-mad culture. Rush out today and purchase a notebook that will serve as your very own Grumpy Whack a Wanker Week register. Enter the name of every practicing member of your local loonyPCfringe cell.
1st – "For God’s sake Peter", screamed Gordon and Alistair, "just what the hell do we have to do to get those backsliding slimeballs to start lending money to homebuyers". I wouldn't want to humiliate either of them by revealing what I actually said prior to having the pair of them forcibly removed from my office. However, my prediction for the month is that Northern Rock will soon have a £14 billion line of credit which they can use to offer 90% mortgages to dependable borrowers. No doubt other banks, fearful of losing market share, will soon follow suit.

January 2009
31st – Crime. The Lying Mad-Dog Media appear to be under the impression the public's primary interest in crime is whether it has or hasn't dropped a couple of percentage points over the previous twelve months. Bollocks! What we all want to know about crime is when and how somebody is going to totally eliminate it. Given there were 10.1 million crimes committed last year (according to the 2007/2008 British Crime Survey for England and Wales) that appears, at first sight, to be a tall order. No problem. The Grumpy Old Men Political Party will, immediately after having seized power, swiftly resolve the nation's many and varied problems, right all wrongs and transform Britain into a winner.
29th – Common sense aside, the evidence is overwhelmingly in favour of children wanting/needing to live with a proper Mum and a Dad. Instead, the Apathetic Majority have allowed the loonyPCfringe, against the wishes of perhaps ninety nine percent of the British public, to somehow arrange for children to be adopted by homosexual couples. Please, please, please, add your names to my anti-PC petition and start naming names in your very own politically incorrect Whack a Wanker Week register.
Question – Can some insider please confirm to me, or otherwise, that the gob-smacking commissions (not bonuses) being paid to traders are based on the profits they make from their clients, not the overall bank profits; that the more competent amongst them are still capable of making big profits for their employer and that most of them would be welcomed, along with their clients, with open arms by any bank should they lose their current job for any reason.
24th – What should be done about the directors of financial institutions who continued, with malice aforethought, to award themselves gob-smacking bonuses knowing that the 100% mortgages and the toxic packages upon which their bonuses were based would be regarded as worthless when the music stopped? Well, what the Grumpies will do, after tarring and feathering the lot of them and trundling them in wheelbarrows around the streets of London to be vilified by all, is freeze their personal assets (and those of their wives and relatives) and jail them until such time as all past bonuses have been repaid.
14th – Jacqui Smith wants to use court injunctions to help our Boys in Blue move more swiftly and effectively to control the movement/activities of violent gangs. Naturally, human rights and civil liberty activists are wetting themselves thinking that maybe a little gangland snot or two might be unfairly stigmatised. God knows what they're going to say or do when we introduce the nation's louts, villains and juvenile snots to the Grumpy's ever-so-caring but totally merciless Annual Cull.
12th – Congratulations are due to the Lying Mad-Dog Media for allowing some of the politically correct to crawl out from under their stones and make their ever-so-interesting views about Prince Harry known to the public. Labour MP Keith Vaz will undoubtedly gain a few more friends among those who spend their days being sneered at or pitied. According to him, it’s unacceptable for Prince Harry to use the term 'our little Paki friend'. Wow! The Apathetic Majority will be thrilled to know the army is looking into this scandalous 2006 non-event but isn’t launching a formal investigation because nobody has actually made a complaint. Keith now occupies pole position in the Grumpy’s politically incorrect Whack a Wanker Week register.
8th – Two women police officers are now sick and off work, presumably on full pay, pending a hearing later this year of their £2 million compensation claim for sexual discrimination and harassment. The amount of time that will be spent by the Righters of Terrible Wrongs and the final cost to the taxpayer should be regarded as a small (and justifiable/acceptable) price to be paid for perpetuating the compensation-gone-mad culture bestowed upon us by the Politically Correct. Bollocks!
6th – Apparently, 75% of teachers experience problems with physically aggressive children but only a fifth of them support the use of corporal punishment. The Grumpies will, immediately after having seized power, be questioning the probity of the other four fifths. Either they aren't aware that physically aggressive children in the classroom prevent other children from being properly educated or consider their right to indulge their own selfish prejudices have priority over the rights of the children in their care to a proper education.
2nd – Guantanamo Bay detainees don't want to be sent home when the USA closes the camp in Cuba. They say they might be persecuted. It's being put about that we should be prepared to take them in. The Grumpy Team doesn't know whether to believe the detainees or not but, either way, can it possibly be in the nation's interest to invite anybody to live freely amongst us who might conceivably feel they have just cause to hate/despise us? We think not.
1st – 'Call me Dave' was looking a bit dispirited. I said, "You’re looking a bit dispirited Dave". He said, "I know, I just don’t know what to do". I said, "Bring back Ken Clark". He said, "Do you really think so"? I said, "Yes". Dave was, naturally, overwhelmed with gratitude. He attempted to press money into my hands but I said, "Wait until you can afford it Dave". My prediction for the month is that Ken Clarke will, within a week or two, be asked to rejoin the Tory front bench.