Wednesday 18th – Good news. Justice Secretary Ken Clarke is planning to slash the £2 billion legal aid bill paid annually by the taxpayer to lawyers representing lying thieving cheating prisoners, illegal immigrants and avaricious scumbags making outrageous or spurious claims for compensation. He’s got ample room for movement given that France spends £3 per head of population on legal aid, Germany spends £5 per head and Britain spends a majestic £38 per head. Members of the ‘Let’s Ruin Britain’s Economy’ group of anarchists will, of course, want to dilute this hugely popular initiative. Apathetic Arseholes desperate to do something useful for once in their useless lives should seek these people out and press an invitation into their hands to the Grumpy’s exclusive and ever-so-popular Whack a Wanker Week extravaganza.

Friday 13th - Lauren McKenna and her solicitor are claiming that a bus driver ordered her off his bus because he objected to her breastfeeding her baby son. Although CCTV and eyewitness evidence prove conclusively that the driver didn’t actually speak to her at all throughout her journey there can be no suggestion whatsoever that she is lying in order to harvest a fat out-of-court compensation settlement. Bollocks! It’s all the rage. Truth is, untold thousands of people with morals lower than a snakes belly are constantly attempting to claim compensation by lying about the conduct of fellow workers and/or bosses. It’s easy money. The pity of it is most small companies (the nations’ wealth and job creators) can afford neither the time nor the money to defend spurious claims for compensation. They won’t have to once the Grumpies are at the helm. Scumbag liars, thieves and cheats who make spurious claims for compensation will be rushed off to one of the Grumpy’s politically incorrect Subterranean Centres of Excellence for observation and therapy.

Wednesday 11th – The nation believes England’s manager Fabio Capello to be responsible for the team’s dismal performance in the world cup. Bollocks! Truth is, the performance of every player selected to represent the national team clearly relates directly to the enthusiasm with which they give voice to our beloved National Anthem before each game. Witness the marked difference in the performance of those players who sing with passion and pride and the lumps of lard who just stand there like deaf mutes.

Tuesday 10th - The Daily Mail revealed, so it must be true, that a family of 11 receiving £42,000 annually in benefits have just moved into a new 7-bedroom council house – compliments of the taxpayer. The father, a taxi diver in his 40s who hasn’t worked for twenty years, has expensive hobbies. The suggestion is that the children terrorize the neighbourhood and the family will ruin the new house and garden within weeks. A spokesman explained that the council had a duty-of-care to re-house them. Bollocks to their duty-of-care! Truth is, the nation is totally pissed off with politically correct politicians and bureaucratic council workers who apply the letter rather than the spirit/intent of the law. The Grumpies will curry favour amongst Apathetic Arseholes by transforming the Equality and Human Rights Commission into an ever-so-caring new ‘Seek and Destroy’ quango charged with identifying and exterminating all workshy scumbags who use and abuse our laws to their advantage and the nation’s disadvantage.

Thursday 5th - Concern exists that Britain’s population will exceed 70 million by 2020. No problem. Immediately after seizing power the Grumpy Team will execute, in an ever-so-caring and environmentally friendly manner, all workshy parasite and corrupt government officials, all homicidal maniacs and antisocial thugs, everybody who makes spurious claims for compensation or political asylum and all juvenile snots who are cheeky to our Boys and Girls in Blue. Lawyers, politically correct bureaucrats and fifth columnists that have infiltrated the Lying Mad-Dog Media will be executed in a slightly less environmentally friendly manner. There will be no population explosion come 2020 and the £billions saved by not having to support the nation’s scumbags will ensure decent hardworking folk live happily ever after.

Saturday 31st – Double child-killer Ian Huntley is claiming compensation from the prison authorities for failing in their duty of care to protect him from being attacked by other inmates. He’ll be granted legal aid. It will cost the taxpayer a £million or so to cover legal fees and compensation. Well-intentioned farts and fartesses will, no doubt, be eagerly pressing to protect Huntley’s human rights by insisting he’s afforded extra protection. This will add substantially to the £100,000 annually it’s already costing the taxpayer to keep Huntley in jail. Bollocks to his human rights!
The Grumpy Old Men Political Party will have Huntley and all the filthy murdering swine like him summarily executed in an ever-so-caring and environmentally friendly manner within days of a guilty verdict being returned.

Thursday 29th - It’s official. LibCon Home Secretary Theresa May has confirmed that Labour’s sissy efforts to combat antisocial thuggery over the past 13 years have failed. No problem. Theresa intends to offer the nation’s teaming hordes of antisocial scumbags a more ‘rehabilitative and restorative’ form of punishment to which she expects them to respond more favourably. Bollocks! Truth is, the nation’s feral hordes ain’t gonna respond favourably to anything other than the Grumpy’s ever-so-caring but totally merciless regime of fear, pain, terror, deprivation and death.

Wednesday 28th – Politicians of all parties are telling us they’re discussing changes to constituency boundaries and alternative voting procedures because they want Britain to have a fairer and more effective form of government. Bollocks! Truth is, our politicians don’t give a flying shite about fairer or more effective forms of government. They’re primarily concerned about the effect any such changes might have on votes and jobs (their jobs). One thing is for certain sure. None of the alternative forms of voting being discussed will help transform Britain into a winner. All of them lead, inevitably, to the nation being run by committee-based coalitions which, unlike the Grumpy’s far superior form of benevolent dictatorship, are incapable of swiftly resolving problems or introducing controversial but necessary initiatives in a truly cost effective manner.

Saturday 24th – Senior judges made a desperate bid to secure coveted Grumpy Gripes Wanker of the Week recognition. They took issue with a magistrate who had suggested that a foreign criminal who had appeared before him had been ‘abusing the nation’s hospitality.’ The judiciary considered this to be a display of politically incorrect prejudice against people who are not British so they made the magistrate offer a grovelling apology and had him taken down for ‘corrective training.’ Wow! Somebody, anybody, please pour a container load of wet farts and fartesses over my head to calm me down. Tell me this is all a ghastly jape Apathetic Arseholes have dreamed up to upset me.

Wednesday 21st – Nick Robinson explained that before David Cameron could introduce a new health role for councils he’d have to get Andrew Lansley and Lib Dem deputy Paul Burstow to agree. They would then have to persuade the Tory Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government to agree. Then the idea would have to be taken to the cabinet home affairs committee chaired by the Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg. Then it would have to be approved by the coalition committee. Top civil servant Sir Gus O’Donnell hailed this time-wasting performance as the restoration of cabinet government by committee and duly applauded the coalition. Bollocks! Truth is, all government initiatives could be launched in a fraction of the time at a fraction of the cost if the decision making process wasn’t slowed to a snails pace by self-important wankers and wankeresses incapable of functioning properly outside the comfort/protection zone of a decision-by-committee style of government. They’re all going to shit themselves when the Grumpies, immediately after seizing power, introduce their ever-so-caring cheap and cheerful benevolent dictatorship style of government.

Monday 19th - The Apathetic Majority support Environment Secretary Caroline Spelman’s view that women have the right to wear the burka. Bollocks! Wearing the burka at a time when the British public is exposed to possible terrorist atrocities is considered by many, rightly so, to be both intimidating and offensive. Truth is, the Apathetic Majority is sick to the back teeth of having the rights of minority victim groups imposed upon them by limp-wristed equality, diversity and human right’s pansies. Britain is, essentially, a law-abiding nation but politicians who consider that observance of the many and varied laws handed down to us by Europe constitute acceptance of them are in for a rude awakening. Lurking beneath the relatively calm surface of the British public is a seething resentment for those who use and abuse our laws to their advantage and our disadvantage. The good news is that I’m currently advising Dave and Cleggy about what needs to be done to prevent anarchist members of the ‘Lets Shit on All Brits’ minority group, and their supporters in the Lying Mad-Dog Media, from bursting that particular boil.

Friday 16th – Peter Sutcliffe, the Yorkshire Ripper, was found guilty in 1984 of butchering thirteen women and attempting to murder a further seven. He attacked his victims from behind with a hammer before mutilating their bodies with a screwdriver and a knife. He was given twenty life sentences but smart-arse lawyers found a loophole that allowed them to trouser £200,000 in legal aid fees in a failed attempt to secure him an early release. Keeping Sutcliffe in Broadmoor high security psychiatric hospital is costing the taxpayer in the region of £100,000 annually (£2.6 million to date). No problem. The government is well aware that an overwhelming majority of the public want all homicidal maniacs to be executed immediately after a guilty verdict has been handed down and are busy making plans to reintroduce capital punishment and put all those wasted £millions to better use. Bollocks! Truth is, our gutless political elite will stay true to their deeply held sanctity of life convictions and resist the reintroduction of capital punishment until such convictions look like losing them votes or jobs (their jobs).

Wednesday 14th – Thirty four percent of all money received by government is given to the poor. John Bird, founder of the Big Issue, a magazine sold by the homeless, says this money is being wasted. He feels it provides too fat a cushion to both the morbidly workshy and those experiencing difficulties securing what they consider to be an acceptable job. John thinks everybody in receipt of welfare benefits capable of working should earn it by entering into a contract that enables them to make a worthwhile contribution to society. The Grumpy Team agrees.

Monday 5th – Once upon a time a sinister landlord, a bent council worker and a workshy scumbag with a surfeit of offspring conspired to trick the taxpayer into paying twice the market rate to the workshy scumbag to occupy a magnificent five-bedroomed mansion. Obviously, this sort of thing couldn’t possibly happen in real life. Bollocks! Truth is, Britain is chock-full of sinister landlords, bent council workers and workshy scumbags with a surfeit of offspring. It’s also full of political wimps and sissies incapable of doing what has to be done to stop these thieving maggots robbing the taxpayer. The good news is that the Grumpy Old Men Political Party will, immediately after seizing power, seek out all lying thieving vermin and rush them to one of our ever-so-caring politically incorrect Subterranean Centres of Excellence for observation, therapy and what my dear old mum would describe as a ‘sound thrashing.’

Thursday 1st - Poverty guru Frank Fields is now aware that workshy parasites are making no attempt whatsoever to secure a paying job because they’re already receiving more in benefits from the taxpayer than any employer would be prepared to pay them. Frank is also aware that any effort he makes to persuade these cretins to get a job is doomed to failure unless he can somehow expose them to an ever-so-caring but totally merciless regime of fear, pain, terror, deprivation and death – as featured in the Grumpy Team’s Manifesto.

Wednesday 30th - The Financial Services Authority (FSA) revealed that sleazebag City Slickers are running most major companies offering with-profit schemes to their policyholders. It’s been discovered that so-called independent oversight committees, supposedly introduced to protect the interest of policyholders, are stuffed to the gunnels with the very board members and their mates whose slithery actions policyholders have most to fear. The nation should congratulate the FSA for the alacrity with which they fastened upon this crass abuse of power and so quickly initiated harsh remedial punishment. Bollocks! Truth is, sleazebag City Slickers have been pulling the wool over the eyes and/or backhanding those useless wankers in the FSA for generations.
The Grumpy Team would tar and feather every man Jack and Jackess who works for the FSA.

Thursday 24th - There are now in excess of 1 million Neets (not in education, employment or training) aged between 16 and 25 claiming benefits. They’re costing the nation £billions. But that’s OK. All of them have earned the right to expect the taxpayer to subsidise them. The government, the business community (or somebody) clearly owes them a living.  Bollocks! Most of them will have contributed nothing which  qualifies them to receive anything. The parents and families of these parasites should support them, either by providing them with food, clothing and shelter or by assisting/demanding they seek work. Any work, locally, nationally or internationally.
Neets will receive nothing from The Grumpy Old Men Political Party.

Monday 21st –We now have 16% more police and 80% more civilian police support staff than we did in 2000. The somewhat biased Police Federation chairman Paul McKeeve, representing 140,000 of our boys and girls in blue is busy pressing for more fully trained police and less civilian support staff. Knowing the public want more police officers on the beat he’s keen to implement a full independent review asking the public what they want. Bollocks to yet another review. We don’t need it. Truth is, what the public want is more visible police on the beat without having to pay a fortune for it.
Immediately after having seized power the Grumpies will double the number of police on the beat by partnering qualified officers with unpaid unqualified assistants drawn from the ranks of the unemployed.

Saturday 19th  - The CBI suggested that strike action should take place only if 40% of the total membership of a union is in favour of the action. Currently, militant leaders of a union can ruin a company and/or bring the nation to a standstill if 51% of those who actually bother to vote can be persuaded to support strike action.
The Grumpy Team support the CBI initiative but would insist that at least 60% (not 40%) of the total membership must vote in favour of strike action before power-crazed union leaders could inflict so much damage to the public, the business community and the nation.

Thursday 17th – The Lying Mad-Dog Media is full of news about how Britain and the whole of Europe are in big financial trouble. This, of course, has nothing whatsoever to do with well-intentioned farts and fartesses having insisted that nation’s spend far more than they earn on parasitic work-shy liars, thieves, cheats, louts, villains, homicidal maniacs, juvenile snots whilst choking the life out of the 4.7 million of our smaller companies (the nation’s job and wealth creators) by burying them in bureaucratic claptrap and imposing crippling right-over-the-top levels of litigious equality, diversity, human rights, compensation and health and safety regulations. Bollocks!

Saturday 12th – Ofcom conducted a politically correct survey amongst homosexuals, lesbians, gipsies, transvestites, foreigners, lawyers and the socially disadvantaged to establish if it was OK for broadcasters to swear. They all thought it was OK. Bollocks! It isn’t OK. The Grumpies will, immediately after seizing power, abolish all forms of swearing by broadcasters and the Lying Mad-Dog Media.

Thursday 10th – Another coven of politically correct equality and diversity maggots have been discovered lurking within a Bolton housing association. This time they’re banning 1200 housing association staff from demonstrating their support for England in the World Cup by flying the English flag on their own cars. No problem. The Grumpy Team has pledged to swiftly seek and destroy these snivelling creatures with our exciting new Grumpy Stomp-a-Maggot initiative.

Wednesday 9th – David Cameron announced in Parliament today that: ‘Interest alone on our borrowings will soon cost the nation in excess of £70 billion and more each year.’ Even so, he clearly believes he can maintain welfare/benefit payments at a level acceptable to all well-intentioned farts and fartesses without Britain’s economy disappearing up it’s own arse. Bollocks! Truth is, Britain can’t afford to continue supporting the less fortunate amongst us at what the well intentioned would consider to be an acceptable level. Worse, attempting to do so is transforming millions of people into lying thieving cheating work-shy parasites. So much so that the taxpayer is now supporting a very sick and fast expanding ’Why Work If We’re Paid More To Remain On Benefits’ culture.

Wednesday 9th – Chancellor Osborne thinks the public will be less upset by public spending cuts if he first seeks their opinion as to what cuts he should be focusing upon. He may be right. The public are certainly stupid enough to be taken in by such tactics. Truth is, if he really wants to know what cuts need to be made he should take a look at the report produced jointly last September by the Institute of Directors and the TaxPayers’ Alliance. It details what needs to be done to save £50 billion pounds.

Friday 4th – 34 year-old Shean Saunders is a ‘paralysed’ man who has trousered £thousands in disability benefits. But he regularly plays rugby. And he also has a cleaning job. So he was given a 12-month community order and required to do 100 hours unpaid work. The severity of this sentence will undoubtedly deter the millions who are currently lying about their disabilities from making any further benefit claims. Bollocks! Truth is, the only cost effective way to stop these cretins making false claims amounting to £billions annually, and satisfy the Apathetic Majority that justice still lives, is to make a serious example of a small number of them. An ever-so-caring public cat o’ nine tails flogging, televised during peak-time viewing will do it. Rest assured, the Grumpy Team are already making appropriate arrangements.

Friday 4th – Public spending records reveal the Labour Party spent £1.8 billion of taxpayer’s money on consultants in the year 2009 – 2010 (double the previous year’s total). The Grumpy Team, aware of the extent to which ‘consultancy’ is used as a vehicle for greasing bribery and corruption wheels, is now pressing for the names of all those complicit in authorising those payments to be revealed. Their bank balances, their properties, their investment portfolios, their drug habits, their drinking pals and their general life-styles must all be subjected to a detailed examination.

Thursday 3rd – The Equality and Human Rights Commission funded an RAF officer based in the Falkland Islands who considered that being posted back to the UK after she had become pregnant was grounds for a discrimination claim to be made. An Employment Tribunal awarded her £16,000 (as they do) on the basis that the posting had the effect of creating an intimidating, degrading, hostile or offensive environment for her (although they didn’t think this was intentional on the part of her employer) and suggested her job specification should be changed so she could return to the Falklands. The Tribunal, worried about the existing level of bureaucracy with which employers are struggling, also recommended the Ministry of Defence carry out risk assessments for all pregnant woman, establish a monitoring process to safeguard any pregnant women from being posted and introduce performance appraisal for every pregnant woman commencing maternity leave. I’m sure the nation’s Apathetic Arseholes have no idea whatsoever about just how many well-intentioned farts and fartesses there are out there busily wasting their time and the taxpayer’s money on such ever-so-important equality, diversity and human rights issues.

Thursday 3^rd – The Apathetic Majority will be thrilled to hear that Cameron and Clegg are delaying meetings so they can spend more time with their children. Bollocks! Truth is, the Apathetic Majority, knowing that anybody launching a new business has to make a 24/7 commitment to it if they hope to make a success of it, is wondering what makes this pair of sissies think they can run a country with any less commitment?

Wednesday 2nd – Bristol City Council placed advertisement aimed specifically at ‘Black and minority ethnic graduates.’ The council defend this action by saying that advertising ethnic minority-only posts are legally allowed under race relation’s legislation. So, that’s OK then.

Wednesday 2nd – Freedom of information inquiries have revealed that virtually all senior civil servants have quietly been milking the system and awarding themselves large salaries and bonuses throughout the whole period Britain has been in economic decline – and will continue to do so if they can get away with it. Business Secretary Vince Cable bravely urged ‘more discipline’ in public sector pay. Well said Vince. That should do it. His pleas will undoubtedly spur all civil servants to engage in a wild orgy of pay cut self-flagellation. Bollocks! Truth is, they’ll cling like death to every last penny they think they’re entitled to. As would most of us. But their drain on the public purse must be reduced. The solution is to arbitrarily reduce the salaries of all senior civil servants by 20% and bin all bonuses. But don’t hold your breath. The LibCon team ain’t gonna do that. Only the Grumpy Old Men Political Party has the balls to risk upsetting senior civil servants.

Tuesday 1st – “Profoundly sorry to disturb you whilst breakfasting Mr. Stokes.” whispered Horace, munching doggedly on something he’d just dug up in the garden. “Unfortunately, some ruffians purporting to be leaders of the BASSA union have somehow managed to get themselves caught up on those wrought iron gates of ours with the very sharp points you constructed specifically for the purpose of impaling unwanted visitors.  They begged, before the last bit of blood drained out of them, to be advised how best they could bring about an end to the British Airways strike. “Well,” I said, tossing a fat kipper from my crowded plate in Horace’s direction, “their absence from any further negotiation will no doubt ensure a sensible solution will soon be found.  Just make sure nobody removes their bodies from our gates for a month or so.”

Sunday 23rd – Duchess of York Sarah Ferguson was filmed by the News of the World offering to effect an introduction to ex husband Prince Andrew for a £500,000 fee. The newspaper obviously considered entrapping and humiliating her met essential public interest criteria. Bollocks! Truth is, bullying isn’t in the public interest in whatever form it takes and neither Sarah Ferguson nor any other defenceless member of the public should be subjected to that sort of cringe-laden bullying by scumbag Lying Mad-Dog Media journalists. What fun they must all have had dreaming that one up.

Thursday 20th – The chattering class believe that known terrorists have the right not to be deported from Britain if the possibility exists they might be tortured or executed. So, that’s OK then. The chattering class have spoken. Obviously, it’s right that Britain should continue to harbour known terrorists in our midst at the taxpayer’s expense. Bollocks! It isn’t right. Truth is, the chattering class, influential though they undoubtedly are, represent a minority view. Most of us Brits want to see the back of known terrorists regardless of what justice awaits them at the hands of their own people. I suggest the Apathetic Majority start making their views known about the ever-so-idealistic university campus generated ideals dreamed up by these farts and fartesses before rather than after ten or tens of thousands of us Brits are killed or terribly mutilated by some ghastly atrocity perpetrated by terrorists living amongst us at the taxpayers expense.

Tuesday 18th – Justice Mitting judged that two Pakistanis were dangerous al Qaeda terrorists and should be deported – then allowed their appeal against deportation because he thought they might be tortured if returned home. No problem. The Conservatives have a mandate to repeal the human rights act and the Liberals, vehement supporters of fair play and proportional representation, will naturally want to support the overwhelming proportion of the British public who want all terrorists deported regardless of the fate which awaits them in their home country. Bollocks! Truth is, Liberals consider proportional representation to be a vehicle for securing more votes and jobs for themselves, not as a democratic means of satisfying the majority views of the public. Fear not, the Grumpies will, immediately after having seized power, ensure the majority view prevails. We’ll hold a national referendum on the subject.

Tuesday 18th - Eversheds, one of Britain’s largest recruitment law firms, opted to make John de Belin redundant rather than Angela Reinholt because they valued Angela, who was pregnant, more highly. Bollocks! Truth is, they rated John more highly but were naturally exceeding reluctant to consider making a pregnant women redundant because women know they can make £zillions by suing their employer for discrimination, real or imagined. Eversheds know it and so does every other employer in the UK. Fear of being sued for discrimination is just one of the reasons most companies are reluctant to employ women of childbearing age.
Note – The Grumpy Old Men Political Party is dedicated to making the nation aware that the business community is far and away our biggest single source of job and wealth creation. They must stop being treating as the whipping boy by politicians desperate to secure votes from equality and diversity extremists intent upon imposing near pariah status upon all women in the workplace.

Thursday 12th  – This evening’s ‘Any Questions’ panel was dominated by politicians and members of the chattering class. They agreed, unanimously, that both Cameron and Clegg had committed a cardinal sin by not making far greater efforts to have included more women and ethnic minorities in the cabinet; that positive discrimination in favour of women and ethnic minorities should be the order of the day. None of them thought to mention that qualifications and ability might be a consideration when selecting the leaders of our nation. Or that helping to run the country and tend the needs of constituents is a vocation, not a job. It’s clearly in Britain’s interests to encourage talented women and members of ethnic minorities to become politicians if they’re prepared and able to make a 24/7 commitment. But most would rather not. They choose to commit to their families. The Grumpies, immediately after seizing power, will persuade the chattering class to stop constantly pressuring our women in an attempt to impose their own very selfish frustrations/aspirations upon them. What’s the betting most women will be eternally grateful?

Tuesday 10^th – Gordon Brown resigned as Prime Minister with dignity. Britain now has a Conservative/Liberal coalition government headed by David Cameron and Nick Clegg. Both have conducted themselves in a manner that has impressed the Grumpy Team. Both appear prepared and able to put the health of the nation before party politics. We wish them well for their sakes and ours but fear both are, essentially, well-intentioned farts unlikely to grasp the nettle and do what must be done if Britain is to be transformed into a winner. They, of course, can sleep the deep sleep of peace knowing that should their ever-so-caring and totally sissy style of coalition government disappear up its own arse it will swiftly be replaced by our ever-so-caring but totally merciless fear, pain, terror, deprivation and death style of Benevolent Dictatorship.

Saturday 8th – Our Party Leaders have, repeatedly, told us they’re listening to us. They’ve told us they want us to trust them; that resolving the current recession is far more important to them than selfishly pursuing their own political agendas. Bollocks! Truth is, if they were really listening to us they’d hear us say that what we want is for them to stop their internal wheeling and dealing and form a coalition government charged, primarily, with guiding the nation through these very difficult times. It should be led by Cameron and last for a couple of years. We don’t expect them all to agree about everything other than the fact that they owe it to themselves and to us to put party politics on hold temporarily and unselfishly work together to get the country back on its feet. The electorate will know, by the next election, who has and who hasn’t put their country before themselves.

Friday 7th – Gordon Brown, supported by a measly 29% of the population, considers he still has a mandate to be the Leader of our country. All he has to do to stay in power is offer the Liberals proportional representation and make concessions worth a few £billion to other parties in Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland. Cameron, with 45% of the votes, can become leader simply by kicking his manifesto into touch and stitching up a deal behind closed doors with the Liberals. So, that’s OK then. Either way, Britain will emerge with the best leader and the most effective form of government. Bollocks! Truth is, such elusive treasures are only within the gift of a Benevolent Dictator supported by at least 75% of the electorate

Thursday 6th – Thousands of voters were cruelly denied their fundamental human right to vote this evening. They were turned away in droves from polling stations by wet-knickered farts and fartesses who, apart from possessing nil common sense, have clearly been brainwashed into believing that the letter of the law trumps the spirit/intent of the law. Wimps and sissies who have long since had the will to make an executive decision bred out of them attempted to justify their wretched actions by suggesting that election results could have been open to a legal challenge had they dared issue ballot papers after the 10pm deadline. Bollocks! Truth is, as my friend Labour Party Harriet Harman says, the results from any constituency stupid enough to have denied voters their fundamental human right to vote can now be challenged. This has triggered a frenzied response from the legal profession. Fat-fingered human rights lawyers, wild-eyed with excitement at the prospect of getting a sniff of that Holy Grail of compensation lawsuits, the class action pig-fest, are now prowling the streets preying upon the baser instincts of those denied their fundamental human right. They’re all entitled to claim £750 compensation (less their lawyers cut of 60% and expenses).

Tuesday 4th - A 14-year old girl wept as she revealed her misery, and that of hundreds of thousands of low-paid workers in Britain. Gordon Brown was so moved he promised to meet the unfortunate family for dinner. I’m not sure what disgusts me most. The fact that the misery of a 14 year old child could be used to further the cause of a pressure group, the political gain Gordon Brown is attempting to squeeze out of the situation or the fact that the girl is under the impression that not having a computer is a tragedy (and would probably have turned her nose up if offered a cheap second-hand computer). Clearly, nobody has mentioned to her that, according to UNICEF, 8000 children are dying every day because their parents don’t even have the £20 it would cost them to save the lives of their children by having them immunised against diseases a so-called civilised world has virtually eradicated. Now that’s a tragedy.

Saturday 1st – Two days after the Gillian Duffy ‘gaffe’ and the PM has had enough. “Nobody talks to me like that,” screamed Gordon as he flung his naked body from a low flying aircraft. ”It’s not fair. If Mr Stokes of the Grumpy Old Men Political Party can get away with telling the public what he thinks about them, why can’t I?”

Friday 30th – Peter Harvey, an experienced and well-respected teacher, was acquitted of attempted murder after being driven to breaking point and beyond by a group of  juvenile snots (who gleefully videoed him in his final moments of misery). How much longer will the well-intentioned farts and fartesses responsible for the education of our children continue to allow juvenile snots to run amok, ruin the health and careers of teachers and put themselves at risk of being bludgeoned to death? We all know for certain sure that discipline in the classroom has substantially declined and disruptive behaviour increased since the abolition of corporal punishment in 1987 – and that the education of our children is suffering as a direct consequence. How much longer is the Apathetic Majority going to allow these lily-livered milksops to cling to their sanctimonious self-righteous objections to corporal punishment and in so doing deny our children a proper education?

Thursday 29th – I sent the following comment to the Mail Online in response to their article about the suspension of a Tory candidate for his ‘deeply offensive’ comments about homosexuality: “Odd isn’t it? The public demand the truth and the self-appointed protectors of our human rights and freedoms are busy protecting our rights and freedoms but there’s been a deafening silence from both the public and our brave freedom fighters since the career of Tory candidate Philip Lardner was callously ruined: His crime: he told the truth about homosexual behaviour not being normal. Shame on everybody. Especially Cameron for throwing him to the wolves for a few measly votes.” The Mail published my comment but deleted the sentence: “His crime: he told the truth about homosexual behaviour not being normal.” So, does that mean homosexual behaviour is, indeed, normal or is there some gay rights activist at the Mail who is taking it upon himself (or herself) to edit out stuff considered not to reflect the views of gay rights activists? I was under the impression that heterosexual behaviour wouldn’t be considered normal if ninety percent of the population were practicing homosexuals. Am I wrong? Do I owe somebody an apology?

Thursday 29th - The Brown, Clegg and Cameron debate this evening revealed their naivety and general lack of business knowledge, experience and animal cunning related to the fundamental requirements of running Britain plc which is, essentially, a multinational organisation. No matter. The qualities required by politicians to run a country differ completely from the skillset required to run a business. Bollocks! Truth is, although the electorate rather than a chief executive should determine national policies, putting those policies into effect and making them work require exactly the same managerial skills whether one is running a country or a multinational business. The bad news is that the dimwitted public has somehow allowed themselves to be brainwashed into accepting that Britain plc, regardless of which party wins the election, must accept the worst of both worlds: an executive that dictates its own policies but lacks the essential business experience/qualities necessary to put them into effect and profit from them. The good news is that the Grumpies, as previously mentioned, will be introducing an exciting new form of Benevolent Dictatorship that will not only transfer policy back to the public domain, it will ensure Britain plc has somebody at the helm who actually knows what they’re about.

Thursday 29th – Having the three party leaders debate political issues on TV has given Nick Clegg the opportunity to press hard for the sort of electoral reform that will undoubtedly encourage our politicians to make an even greater contribution toward transforming Britain into a winner. Bollocks! Truth is, few if any of our politicians are interested in transforming Britain into a winner. Their time is primarily devoted to securing more votes, more power and more money. None of them are going to risk introducing any worthwhile initiative that might possibly upset any of the influential minority groups which support them. No problem. Despondent seekers of real change shouldn’t despair. There’s a new boy on the block poised to introduce an electoral reform that will change everything. It’s called a Benevolent Dictatorship.

Monday 26th – A family of six received sentences totalling 93 years for keeping vulnerable  26-year old Michael Gilbert as a virtual slave for years, torturing him to death for his benefit money and dismembering him before dumping him in a lake. Each of those 93-years will cost the taxpayer £40,000 (a total of £3,720,000). The taxpayer will also foot the bill for substantial welfare/benefit payments when they emerge from jail since it’s unlikely that any of the family will be fit for or will want to engage in any form of work for the rest of their lives. This will please the Apathetic Majority. Bollocks! Truth is, the Apathetic Majority would be pleased if the whole family were issued with a one-way ticket to the Grumpy’s Pie-in-the-Sky-Factory. Immediately

Saturday 24th – According to a Sunday Telegraph survey, £2,149,345 in compensation payments and legal costs has been paid out in the past five years by 24 organisations offering tourist attractions. English Heritage had to fork out £15, 000 plus legal costs of £37,250 to a woman who fell into a moat whilst trespassing. £23,651 plus legal fees of £29,863 was paid to a woman who fell over at the Victoria & Albert Museum etc etc. Chairman of the National Trust Simon Jenkins said in 2008 that overzealous health & safety regulations are a plague that the risk averse feed upon. Shadow arts minister Ed Vaizey said the Tories would urgently look at methods to stop no-win-no-fee lawyers making spurious compensation claims. So, that’s OK then. Bollocks! Truth is, the legal profession depend far too much on the £zillions they trouser from compensation cases to allow anybody to monkey about with their favourite scam – certainly not Ed Vaizey or any other member of the political fraternity with whom they’re constantly eating, drinking, partying with or marrying. The Grumpy Old Men Political Party, immediately after seizing power will, of course, kick the compensation culture into touch.

Thursday 22nd – All three major political parties believe it’s possible to lift Britain out of recession without introducing initiatives that will upset the electorate. Bollocks! Truth is, they believe, rightly so, they’ll lose votes and jobs (their jobs) if they do anything to upset the tiny little minds of the electorate. So, instead of immediately reducing our chronic indebtedness they’re actually planning to protect their own jobs, and risk ruining the country, by continuing to borrow even more £squidillions. Traitorous career politicians who persist in putting their own interests before those of the nation will be rushed to one of the Grumpy’s politically incorrect Subterranean Centres of Excellence for observation, therapy and a sound thrashing (as my Mum would say). In addition to knocking 10% off the £180 billion spent on welfare benefits every year The Grumpy Team would immediately save an additional £50 billion annually by introducing the initiatives proposed by the Institute of Directors and the TaxPayers’ Alliance.

Thursday 15th – The Daily Mail revealed, so it must be true, that a father of seven children stopped working years ago because he couldn’t match the £42,000 welfare benefits rendered unto him and his family by the taxpayer. Yet another disgusting example of the awful malingering disease, creeping paralysisofthearse that is now inflicting millions of poor unfortunate lazy bastards who have been misled by the self appointed protectors of our human rights into believing that somebody (anybody) owes them a living.  The Grumpies promise to save these unfortunate creatures from themselves by withholding all benefits until such time as they secure  a job or ‘volunteer’ for a position within one of the Grumpy Team’s Very Fulfilling Work for Parasites range of Genghis Khan approved workstart initiatives.

Friday 9th – Sir Michael Caine says he supports David Cameron’s plans to create a National Citizen Service that would take teenagers off to summer camps and train them for community work. This is a super idea. I take back what I said about Cameron being a sissy. The community work referred to presumably relates to the many war-torn communities throughout the world eager to pay good money to British mercenaries trained to become lethal killing machines in one of Cameron’s many and varied summer camps. Cameron obviously has it in mind to craftily expand the scheme to include all workshy parasites, louts, villains, homicidal maniacs and fat-fingered lawyers. Just think of all the extra £billions to be made and saved. I can see it all now. Those who survive will return to be feted as heroes and heroines. Everybody will be mentioned in dispatches. A special commemorative shot-in-the-back-whilst-attempting-to-desert medal will be struck to honour the nation’s wimps and sissies. Cameron is definitely onto a vote-winner here.

Friday 9th – The European Court of Human Rights has ruled that the indefinite retention of DNA taken from innocent people is unlawful. This is because innocent people never commit crimes. Bollocks! Truth is, innocent people (those who haven’t actually already been found guilty of committing a crime) commit crimes all the time. In 2008-09 alone, 79 rape, murder and manslaughter cases were matched to the DNA profiles of ‘innocent’ people. Hands up the first complete and utter wanker who thinks the families of any of those 79 victims should be denied the right to demand that the DNA of every man jack and jackess in the land shouldn’t be on record from the day they’re born to the day they die.

Thursday 8th – The PM says that the only way we can afford to raise the £6 billion required to properly finance our schools, our hospitals and our policing is to impose a National Insurance tax on our business community. Bollocks! Truth is, he could raise £18 billion and risk losing fewer jobs by knocking 10% off the £180 billion spent on welfare benefits every year, much of it squandered on work-shy liars thieves and cheats. Of course we must continue to support those less fortunate than ourselves but, at a time when the nation is currently £1.3 trillion in debt (that’s £1,300 billion in debt or, put another way, £1,300,000,000,000 in debt), the nation can no longer afford to indulge the finer feelings of well-intentioned farts and fartesses. We’re broke. Interest on our debt alone is costing us in excess of £50 billion annually. The Apathetic Majority must arise as one and demand our politicians stop selfishly thinking votes and jobs (their jobs) and start thinking good housekeeping.

Monday 5th – In addition to children completing anonymous questionnaires about their teachers and sitting on vetting panels when teachers attend career interviews, headteachers will soon be legally obliged to consult pupils before making any major changes to school policy. Our wonderfully naive teachers, blissfully unaware of the connection between Pupil Power and classroom thuggery, foolishly supported these very silly what-can-we-do-next-to-waste-even-more-time-and-money experiments until, much to their surprise, their little Munchkins used their extra rights and powers to ask questions and say things teachers felt might harm their job prospects. Which must cease, say teachers, who have now voted unanimously for industrial action to be taken unless the rights of junior snots to sit in judgement on them are removed. Truth is, every man Jack and Jackess amongst them would benefit from an introduction to our Grumpy Whack a Munchkin Initiative.

Sunday 4th – Some filthy swine secretly recorded Shadow Home Secretary Chris Grayling saying people should have the right to decide who does and doesn’t come into their own homes if they offer a bed and breakfast service. Naturally, the gay rights sector of the Lying Mad-Dog Media is now busy attempting to humiliate and/or ruin the wicked Chris Grayling along with thousands of decent hardworking couples attempting to make a living by letting a room or two in their own homes. No problem. Homosexuals have had it written into the Statute Books that they have the legal right to demand access to any private home offering a bed and breakfast service to the public. So, that’s OK then. Bollocks! Like Hell it is. Truth is, this law is a charter for homosexuals, pedophiles and homicidal maniacs to blatantly bully the elderly and the vulnerable in a most foul and indecent manner, many of whom will be fearful for the safety of their children and/or terrified of losing what could well be their only source of income. Homosexuals might have won the battle to force their way into private homes and do unmentionable things all over treasured items of furniture but they’re losing the hearts and minds war. I don’t think for one moment that most gay’s actively support bullying actions of the sort relished by the extremists who purport to represent their interests. Their vengeance-driven agenda clearly reflects the bitterness they feel, rightly so, about the harsh treatment imposed upon them by heterosexuals for so many years. Either way, one thing is for sure. They’re gonna get short shrift from the Grumpy Team if they try any of that sort of stuff on after we’ve seized power.

Thursday 1st – “I’m so very sorry to disturb you Mr Stokes,” said Horace, faithful family retainer of indeterminate age, “but the Prime Minister has respectfully urged me to crave your indulgence. Apparently, somebody has videoed him slitting Tony Blair’s throat, removing his wallet, ripping his diary and address book to shreds and nailing him to the inside of one of the Commons’ equality and diversity lavatory doors. I’m afraid he sounds somewhat hysterical. He’s threatening to beat anybody to a pulp who comes within striking distance of him.” “Tell him to piss off,” I said. “He knows better than to seek advice from me about Party matters before I’ve wiped my early morning eleven o’clock plate clean of sausages, eggs, bacon, chips, baked beans, mushrooms, tomatoes, black pudding etc and sunk a bottle or two of my Taylor’s ‘63 from my complimentary Daily Politics mug.”

Tuesday 30th – Alphonse Semo, an African refugee, was convicted of a particularly unpleasant rape, jailed for eight years and was due to be deported yesterday. However, having fought a series of legal battles all the way up to the High Court, presumably paid for by the taxpayer, his lawyers argued, and a judge has agreed, he has the right to remain in Britain to marry another African refugee who just happens to be a German national. As such, despite the many and varied prayers being offered up to the Almighty by the Home Office to make this person miraculously disappear, it isn’t going to happen. Attempting to deport him after he’s married, given the status of his wife, will violate his rights as defined by the European Court of Human Rights. Semo and his fat-fingered lawyers will naturally be more than prepared to spend unlimited amounts of taxpayer’s money pursuing, through the courts, his right to remain in our country. Irritating as this might be to most of us Brits we must all understand that the legal profession, when dealing with such cases, have no alternative other than to blindly apply the letter rather than the spirit/intent of the law. Bollocks!

Friday 26th – Put your hands together for Kent Police Assistant Chief Constable Gary Beautridge. A brave (or foolish) man. Rather than conceal the loathsome forces lurking within him he’s boldly ‘come out’ and revealed to a nation of politically correct maggot haters that his was the moving hand behind the issue of a 62-page ‘Faith and Culture Resource’ diversity booklet aimed at humiliating and making our Boys and Girls in Blue feel even bigger arseholes than they already do. The nation’s masochists will envy Gary the pole position he currently occupies in the Grumpies hugely popular non-racist Whack-a-Wanker-Week extravaganza.

Thursday 25th – Chancellor Alistair Darling has thrilled the business community by handing them a £245 million package to help them through the credit crisis. Bollocks! Truth is, he’s increased their national insurance contributions by £4.5 billion annually and is now trying to sneak in an increase of the minimum wage to £5.93. This will please well-intentioned farts and fartesses and those with jobs who don’t give a shite about those without jobs.

Monday 22nd – Former Labour cabinet ministers Geoff Hoon, Stephen Byers and Patricia Hewitt have been suspended from the Party. A media sting revealed smutty details about the manner in which they’re prepared to trade political influence/contacts for money. Politicians and bureaucrats, to a man, have expressed their concern that this episode might further damage their reputations. Bollocks! Truth is, they’re far more concerned that this latest outrage will cause the Lying Mad-Dog Media to turn the spotlight upon each and every one of them with a view to ferreting out their own shady money-grubbing ‘insider’ dealings. Bribery and corruption is rife within the political and bureaucratic fraternity. Those not regularly in receipt of their obligatory thirty pieces of silver for betraying the trust of all the decent hardworking folk they’re supposed to represent are being lavishly entertained and/or lining up highly paid non-executive positions with their fat-cat big-business pals. Who wouldn’t? They’re underpaid and under appreciated (scorned and despised even). They’re exposed to constant temptation and opportunity. They’re unlikely to be caught or exposed and hey, everybody else is at it so why shouldn’t they? Just light the touch paper and allow the fear, greed and envy that lurk within all of us to do the rest. I’ll discourage this sort of disgraceful conduct by paying senior members of the Grumpy Team a salary of £250k a year, generous expenses and the freedom of the city/constituency they represent. Decent hardworking folk will come to admire, respect and trust them. Any member of the Team who betrays that trust will be summarily executed in an ever-so-caring and environmentally friendly manner.

Monday 15th – The Equality and Human Rights Commission have published a damning report accusing our Boys and Girls in Blue of gross discrimination against Black people who, the report reveals, are six times more likely to be stopped and searched than White people. Since this totally impartial 112-page report contains nothing whatsoever which might possibly justify the conduct of the police it can safely be assumed that no such justification exists. Bollocks! Truth is, Black people are at least five times more likely to commit a crime than white people. Gordon Brown, our PM, when discussing the prevalence of gun and knife crime in London, stated that violence will not be stopped “by pretending it is not young black kids doing it.” The PM knows that Black people are far more likely to commit a crime than White people. So do our Boys and Girls in Blue. So does the EHRC but their true objective wasn’t to produce an honest, balanced report, it was to produce a propaganda vehicle that lent itself to promoting their own core beliefs. It beggars belief they should have the nerve and the gall to think they could get away with using such disingenuous material to publicly threaten our police with legal action under the Race Relations Act.

Saturday 13th – The Unite union warns that cabin crews at the £350 million loss making firm of British Airways will embark upon a program of guerrilla strikes commencing 20th of March if a negotiated settlement isn’t reached. This strike is all about the pay and staffing levels BA want to impose upon cabin staff. Bollocks! Truth is, the strike is all about the not-so-little perks, privileges and restrictive practices which they’ve somehow managed to avail themselves of throughout the good years and which they fear, rightly so, will be kicked into touch by the no-more-Mr-Nice-Guy ex Aer Lingus Willie Walsh who knows more than a little about how to run a tight ship. The strike is all about power and quid pro quo. It’s about the £100k donated annually to Unite by the government to support their worker’s rights programme and the £11 million already donated to the government’s propaganda and electioneering slush fund by Unite. When are these power-crazed maniacs going to allow a totally independent arbitrator (whose decision will be accepted as final by both parties) to come in and sort them out? Which is what every sane person wants and expects them to do.

Thursday 11th – Tesco’s Mrs Neville-Rolfe says that a growing number of children leaving school have attitude problems and think the world owes them a living. They’re also scruffy and arrive late for interviews and for work. They’re unable to properly read, write, calculate or express themselves clearly. Work ethic and team spirit are concepts that are alien to them. Neither their parents nor their teachers have instilled a proper sense of discipline within them. An overwhelming number of well-intentioned farts and fartesses agree with her and are taking steps, immediately, to improve the situation. Bollocks! Truth is, well-intentioned farts and fartesses are going to be busy doing nothing other than think pure thoughts whilst continuing to deny our children a proper education. They’d rather shit themselves than stop indulging their own self-righteous finer feelings about the rights, freedoms and privileges of every disruptive juvenile snot and classroom bully. Countless millions of you accept and agree with everything Mrs Neville-Rolfe has to say about our children and their education. So, what are you countless millions of Apathetic Arseholes going to do about our children and their education?

Friday 5th – Politicians, in a dramatic bid to curry favour with the politically correct have voted overwhelmingly in favour of banishing the word ‘chairman’ from all parliamentary proceedings. Parliament now considers the word ‘chairman’ to be too sexist and have decided, in a bold and uncompromising stand against the forces of evil, that henceforth everybody must use the more gender-neutral word ‘chair’. Somebody please, I beg of you, tell me I’m still immersed in the depths of some horrific nightmare from which, when I awake, the reign of these politically correct I-don’t-care-how-much-it-costs-the-taxpayer maggots will have ended and been replaced by a wonderful new breed of fully functioning Apathetic Arsehole Warrior.

Thursday 4th – Peter Sutcliffe, the Yorkshire Ripper, murdered thirteen women and attempted to kill seven more. He chose to attack them with a hammer and further mutilate their bodies with a screwdriver and a knife. He was given twenty life sentences but doctors have suggested he might no longer pose a threat to society. Now, ably assisted by fat-fingered lawyers anticipating trousering the additional £200k and more in legal aid granted to Sutcliffe to appeal his case, he’s busy exploiting a loophole in the law, courtesy of the European Court of Human Rights. So, the legal profession believe they can help Sutcliff. Bollocks! Truth is, Sutcliffe is never going to get out until he’s too old or infirm to hurt a flea. And everybody knows it. No government in their right mind is going to risk being responsible for causing a frenzied and monumentally enraged public rising up as one against them should he be released and promptly mutilate another innocent victim. So why are we continuing with this expensive charade? Please make my day and tell me it has nothing to do with money and lawyers. Personally, I’d have dispatched Sutcliffe to the Grumpy Pie in the Sky Factory immediately after he’d been sentenced.

Tuesday 2nd – The Lying Mad-Dog Media is attempting to turn every Apathetic Arsehole in the land against the business community (the nation’s wealth and job providers) by filling their tiny little minds with inflammatory information about how the banks are continuing to flagrantly dispense huge bonuses/commissions despite making trading losses of £billions. According to the media, the banks are conducting themselves in a totally irresponsible manner. Bollocks. Truth is, huge bonuses/commissions are only being paid to a very small number of those working their balls off in the bank’s investment division, most of which will probably be trousered by silver-tongued my-word-is-my bond City slickers feeding them with illegal insider information. Don’t get me wrong. As a greed and envy driven Apathetic Arsehole hypocrite myself, I bitterly resent investment bankers earning that sort of money. Let’s face it. They’re nowhere near as clever or talented as the average lottery ticket punter whose success, after trousering £zillions, will joyfully be celebrated by all. Nor would they have invested anywhere near as much of their time, effort or money as the average lottery ticket winner. Would they?

Monday 1st – The European Court of Human Rights has unanimously upheld the Grumpy’s claim that sissies and wimps harshly criticized by the PM might have experienced as much, if not more, mental pain and anguish as that experienced by other sissies and wimps subjected to racist or sexual remarks. Head of Chambers Sir Swollen Fatfinger-Fee of feral legal firm, Liarsthiefs and Cheats, broke down and wept after being mobbed by a million strong delegation of jubilant ambulance-chasing scavengers. “This precedent draws a new line in the sand for the whole profession,” he sobbed. “Not for us the degrading and humiliating practice of having to trouser excessive amounts of money for lying on behalf of every greedy bastard scumbag woman, immigrant and elderly cripple of questionable sexual orientation looking for some easy money by making outrageous or spurious claims for compensation. Now we can hold our heads up high and trouser excess amounts of money simply by lying on behalf of every greedy bastard scumbag in the land who considers they might possibly have been harshly criticized, regardless of their race or sexual orientation.

Thursday 25th – The European Parliament is shortly expected to rubber stamp a new Pregnant Workers Directive that will entitle new mothers to at least 20 weeks maternity leave on full pay, an effective 300% increase. It will cost the British taxpayer and/or the business community in excess of another £2 billion annually. This directive will encourage more companies to employ more women. Bollocks! Truth is, the magnitude and complexity of women’s existing maternity rights and privileges already make it very difficult for women of childbearing age to secure jobs. Women in America who work for companies with more than 50 staff are guaranteed 12 weeks unpaid maternity leave and the same job when they return. Companies employing less than 50 staff don’t have to offer any such guarantees. The Grumpies will, immediately after having seized power, level the playing field for women by introducing the American model.

Wednesday 24th – Police waited a quarter-of-an-hour for a team with specialist equipment to arrive before smashing a locked bathroom door to assist a dying woman. The Independent Police Complaints Commission are now launching an inquiry because they want to establish the reason the police didn’t put their shoulders to the door much earlier. Bollocks! Truth is, they don’t need an inquiry to establish the reason. They and everybody else are already well aware that the careers of our Boys and Girls in Blue would have been put on hold or ruined if any of them had been foolish enough to smash through a door and attempt to render aid to anybody unless they were fully qualified, possessed specialist equipment, had appropriate insurance cover and had carefully digested every available directive/manual from Europe on the subject. The woman died. Don’t blame our Boys and Girls in Blue. Blame our compensation-gone-mad culture. Blame human rights extremists. Blame the politically correct self-righteous maggots who are busy transforming everybody, including our police, into wet-knickered sissies and wimps.

Sunday 14th – The ‘Let’s Blacken Britain’s Name’ division of the human rights brigade are now accusing MI5 of having requested the Americans to ask Binyamin Mohamed, an Ethiopian drug addict interned in Guantanamo Bay as a suspected terrorist, a question or two on Britain’s behalf. This is very serious stuff. Politically correct anarchists and their fat-fingered lawyer pals are undoubtedly entitled, in the national interests, to trouser unlimited amounts of taxpayer-funded fees whilst investigating this appalling did-they-or-didn’t-they-ask-a-question outrage. Bollocks! Truth is, given the extremes of misery, pain and death experienced by untold millions of totally innocent people every day the Apathetic Majority don’t give a shite about whether MI5 did or didn’t request the Americans to ask a suspected terrorist some questions on their behalf or inadvertently roughed him up a bit in the process. We do, however, very much care about what it cost the taxpayer to ferry this foreign person and his personal entourage by private jet back to our shores. And we’d like to know what it’s costing us to feed, clothe and house him whilst he’s being advised by politically correct maggots and their lawyers, how best to sell his story to the Lying Mad-Dog Media for truckloads of money, how best to find some legal loophole that will enable him to sue our arses for £zillions and how best to go about defaming Britain and give all our enemies a good laugh at our expense by demonstrating what complete and utter wet-knickered wimps and sissies we all are. Note – A well-established cell of fanatical anarchists with unlimited resources hell-bent upon destroying us would be hard pressed to match the damage being done to Britain and its reputation by politically correct human rights extremists.

Friday 12th – Call me Dave is keen to draw up and impose short-lists of candidates in each constituency who hope to be elected. Fifty percent of each list will consist of politically correct women and the balance drawn from a selection of elderly multicultural homosexual or transgender single parent cripples deemed acceptable by the Equality and Human Rights Commission. This will guarantee Britain will be governed by the finest, most competent, experienced and knowledgeable politicians the nation has to offer and ensure its swift transformation into a winner. Bollocks!

Friday 12th – Gordon Brown is now busy attempting to introduce an alternative voting system that will ensure the number and nature of politicians elected to parliament more fairly represents the public’s preferences. Bollocks! Truth is, it’s just a shabby ploy to improve his own position, curry favour with the Liberals and wrong-foot the Tories. If Brown really wanted a fairer, more proportional and much cheaper voting system he’d introduce the new Grumpy electoral system. We’ll stay with the current first past the post system but require the Boundary Commission to reduce the number of Parliamentary constituencies from 650 to 300. Each constituency will contain approximately the same number of voters and only long-term residents of each constituency will be allowed to stand for election. Simple, fair and cost effective. Apathetic Arseholes should ask their local MPs why they didn’t think of it first.

Thursday 11th – Politicians have decided that a new quango, the Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority, must be set up to police MP’s expenses. It will require a staff of 80 and at least £6.6 million to operate effectively. Bollocks! Truth is, it would cost the taxpayer a fraction of that figure if tried and tested procedures, already used by the private sector for controlling executive expenses, were put in place rather than the dream world requirements of overpaid quangomaniacs. Does the dim-witted Apathetic Majority have any idea whatsoever, or even care, how the political elite are using and abusing taxpayers money?

Tuesday 9th – Senior Metropolitan police can feel justly proud of securing a conviction against Iranian born Police chief Ali Dizaei for perverting the course of justice and jailing him for four years. Bollocks! Truth is, they disgraced themselves by allowing their commitment to political correctness and their abject fear of being accused of racial prejudice to weasel out of putting this bullyboy behind bars years ago. Despite an unacceptably poor performance record by Dizaei and warnings from the Serious Organised Crime Agency about his conduct these disgusting creatures actually promoted him. This is the man who, over the years, has majestically dispensed with the dozens of corruption allegations against him simply by claiming he was the victim of a racist witch hunt, by having the most senior Asian officer support him by proclaiming him to be the victim of racial prejudice and by having the National Black Police Association, of which he became president, to launch an ethnic minority recruitment boycott in protest. Senior officers knew him to be a malevolent bully and a liar who, with good reason, openly displayed his utter contempt for them. Dizaei knew the politically correct wimps and sissies managing the Met would tolerate rotten apples in their barrel rather than put their own jobs at risk by having him level accusations of racial discrimination against them, real or imagined. Is the Apathetic Majority aware that millions of owner-managers nationwide are exposed to the prospect of criminal prosecutions, unlimited fines, and custodial sentences should they attempt to avoid employing or ridding themselves of rotten apples?

Thursday 4th – Our Boys and Girls in Blue are entitled to standby-pay based on a minimum of four hours pay. This is reasonable given that a call or call-out could disrupt the personal plans of off-duty officers. What isn’t reasonable is the nation-wide practice in the public sector, condoned by senior staff, of bumping up basic salaries by a myriad of methods to compensate for what is felt by those concerned to be a poor basic salary. Politician’s abuse of expenses is a prime example of this principle. And the practice is rife throughout all nationalised industries. So much so that everybody has come to believe that it’s part of our national heritage and nothing can be done about it. Bollocks! Truth is, Apathetic Arseholes can do a lot about it. You can, for starters, arm yourself with a few facts by accessing the TaxPayers’ Alliance website and then making your local MPs and the lying mad-dog media aware of the extent to which you’re consumed with rage and fury at being ripped off, as a taxpayer, by so many people.

Wednesday 3rd – The Pope says our Equality Bill imposes unjust limitations on the freedom of religious communities to act in accordance with their beliefs. Peter Tatchell, on behalf of the homosexual community, says the Pope’s comments are an attack on the legal rights granted to the homosexual community. The Apathetic Majority support Peter Tatchell’s views. Bollocks! Truth is, the Apathetic Majority support the laws aimed at eliminating the appalling manner in which some homosexuals were originally treated but are now sick and tired of listening to ‘gay rights’ campaigners who, like all influential minority groups occupying what they consider to be the moral high ground, feel justified (vengeful even) in pursuing their own totally selfish agenda no matter the damage wreaked upon countless millions of other decent hardworking folk. If homosexuals spent less time demanding their rights and more time considering the effect of their demands on other people’s lives they’d gain a lot more consideration and support from everybody.

Tuesday 2nd – Gordon Brown is suggesting the electoral system be reformed. He thinks the change will be a sop to public disenchantment with politicians and their many and varied expense abuses. No chance! Truth is, the public don’t want a new form of electoral system, they want a new, preferably better, form of government. Fortunately, the Grumpy Old Men and Women Political Party is poised to introduce a new and decidedly better form of government – a Benevolent Dictatorship.

Monday 1st – The Mail Online reveals shocking contravention of equality laws by City law firm. Stuart Dutson, a litigation partner in the firm, anticipating interviewing a female job applicant who had recently had a child, sent an email to a colleague asking if there were any guidelines available as to what questions could be asked to ascertain the woman’s overall level of commitment, the hours she was prepared to work and how she intended to balance work and child responsibilities. Big mistake. Even posing the question is considered to be discriminatory by these wankers. A spokeswomen for the firm smugly announced that they don’t condone any kind of discrimination or behaviour which is counter to their extensive equality and diversity policies and said: ‘We investigated and dealt with the matter swiftly and decisively through the appropriate line management and HR channels prior to the candidate’s interview.’ A leading employment lawyer said that had Dutson pursued his line of questioning and not employed the women concerned his firm could have faced a sex discrimination payout; that the head of department was absolutely correct in saying that the whole interview process had been fatally compromised. What an absolute load of bollocks! Stuart Dutson is yet another poor sod who has run foul of our wretched equality and diversity laws. Pity he didn’t take a quick look at my Grumpy Gripes Women’s Equality Lobby taster before sticking his head above the parapet.

Thursday 28th – Another quango, the National Equality Panel, has finally produced an expensive and totally unnecessary 450-page report. It was commissioned by Harriet Harman in October 2008 in an attempt to justify her equality and diversity policies. It confirms her claims that the £billions spent by the Labour Party on social engineering over the past 13 years has halted the rising growth of poverty and inequality. Bollocks! It doesn’t. The report actually reveals that poverty and inequality are at their highest level since the Second World War. Truth is, given that politicians define those in poverty as having an income less than 60% of the national average, it should be easy for the government to eliminate poverty completely. All they have to do is maintain (or increase) benefits and reduce the earnings of everybody earning more than 60% of the national average. That will appeal to the envy-driven Left. A much simpler solution would be to reduce the poverty threshold to 50% but that would upset Harriet Harman and her pious equality and poverty campaigners. What would they do with themselves if the government, at a stroke, eliminated relative poverty?

Thursday 28th – According to Job Centre staff in Thetford, Norfolk, it’s illegal to include the words ‘reliable’ when advertising for staff because it might upset unreliable people. Bollocks! Truth is, the Job Centre staff, like so many of us, have become so confused by all the nauseating amount of politically correct propaganda constantly being dumped upon us that we’re reduced to having to consult a lawyer to establish what we’re actually allowed to do or not allowed to do. Apathetic Arseholes should buy a loud hailer, position themselves strategically in their local high street at the busiest time of day and scream: ‘we ain’t gonna take any more shite from slime bag politically correct maggots’ until people in white coats arrive to take you away.

Friday 22nd – Two appallingly sadistic children aged ten and eleven were given indeterminate sentences for the cruel and systematic violation and torture of two other children. Conservative leader David Cameron fiercely demanded we should ‘ask what has gone wrong with our society and what are we going to do about it?’ Yes, bold questioning like that will swiftly resolve the nation’s many and varied problems. Bollocks! Cameron will still be asking the same rivetingly useless questions when these two evil psychopaths are released upon an unsuspecting public to rape, pillage and murder decent hardworking folk in their beds. £Millions of taxpayers money will have been showered upon them by well-intentioned farts and fartesses who want to believe they’re merely innocent little Munchkin victims of brutal parents. Truth is, I knew the difference between right and wrong when I was ten and so did they. That said, the Grumpy Team appreciate the very difficult and unfair life to which the whole family must have been subjected and will unhesitatingly award the lot of them priority access to our ever-so-caring Grumpy Pie-In-The-Sky Factory.

Friday 22nd – The banking fraternity is justifiably upset about being criticised for awarding themselves massive bonuses. After all, they’re putting their own money at risk and any losses come out of their own pockets, as it does with all entrepreneurs prepared to gamble their own money. Bollocks! Truth is, it isn’t their money. Much of it is the public’s money originally deposited with the banks for safekeeping and it’s the public who will have to underwrite any losses. Amazingly the banks are, without the tacit approval of the public, advancing £zillions of the public’s money to ‘Dell Boy’ city slickers to use for ‘casino’ style gambling. That bankers, in these difficult times, should personally award themselves such grotesque amounts of money in such a flagrant don’t-give-a-damn-what-anybody-thinks manner is sickening to the extreme and totally unacceptable. Clearly, they can’t be trusted to regulate themselves. President Obama has the right idea. He’s going to limit the size of banks, impose restrictions on trading and stop retail banks from putting the public’s money at risk. The Apathetic Majority must support Obama’s initiative and press for far greater controls over these greedy swine.

Wednesday 20th – Abu (The Hook) Hamza was jailed for seven years in 2006 for inciting murder and race hatred. He’s currently attempting to avoid deportation by appealing against a Home Office decision to deny him UK citizenship and his lawyers are busy racking up legal fees (on top of the £3 million he’s already cost the taxpayer) by invoking his rights to have the European Court of Human Rights prevent his extradition to the United States on terror charges. Everything and more is, of course, being done by the establishment to boot this raving maniac out of our country. Bollocks! Truth is, Hamza is just one of the many geese being nurtured by the legal profession to lay a veritable sea of golden eggs for their consumption. Fat-fingered lawyers will demand, for as long as there continues to be money in it, that the letter rather than the spirit/intent of the law must continue to be observed when dealing with the Abu Hamzas of this world. And all their pals in the corridors of power will support them.

Tuesday 19th – Britain’s first Asian newscaster Lisa Aziz will be claiming £millions in compensation for being ousted from her job. Her justification for making such exotic claims, to be revealed at her forthcoming tribunal, will be that she was discriminated against because of her age, her sex and her race. Well she would, wouldn’t she? It’s an unbeatable combination. Truth is, no woman in her right mind is going to pass up the opportunity presented to her by Britain’s politically correct equality and diversity laws to make unlimited £zillions simply by making outrageous claims for compensation, real or imagined, against their employers – even those who have provided them with a golden opportunity to make something of themselves.

Monday 18th – “Excuse me Mr. Stokes,” whispered Horace, my tortoise, “I’m afraid there are a number of very agitated quite well-dressed gentleman at the door, begging for a moment of your time. They say they’re representing the interests of the legal profession.” “Bollocks,” I said. “They’re not gentlemen. They’re ambulance-chasing scumbags. They’ve obviously got wind of the fact that fourteen million of the Grumpy’s slavering hordes of Apathetic Arseholes have broken loose and forced Lord Justice Jackson and Master of the Rolls Lord Neuberger to break ranks and move to end the legal profession’s filthy disgusting no-win no-fee pig fest of a compensation scam. Tell them to piss off back to America.”

Wednesday 13th – Section 44 of our Terrorism Act 2000 that allows police to stop and search without grounds for suspicion was ruled illegal by European judges who considered it to violate our human rights. Self-appointed protectors of our human rights consider this to be a victory for freedom. Bollocks!

Monday 11th – It isn’t illegal to clear the snow from the front of your house but it might cost you dearly. No-win no-fee members of the legal profession will be advertising on television and/or their ambulance chasers will be out combing the hospitals looking for money-grubbing members of the public who might have slipped and fallen in front of your home. Word from The Institution of Occupational Safety and Health representing 36,000 health and safety experts is that you could be sued for compensation.

Sunday 10th – The attempt by Geoff Hoon and Patricia Hewitt to oust Gordon Brown was an unmitigated disaster. Bollocks! It was a well-orchestrated success. Truth is, their real objective wasn’t to oust the PM. It was to give the Cabinet more power to their elbow in forcing Gordon to accept their views about the necessity of having to severely cut spending and reduce services.

Friday 8th – The Mail Online revealed that 75% of the prominent law firms surveyed are supporting a campaign to make it easier for married couples to divorce. They’re genuinely concerned that current divorce legislation puts too much pressure on parents and children. Bollocks! Truth is, divorce rates are at their lowest level since 1981 so scumbag lawyers, not content with tempting couples to divorce by offering no-win no-fee services, are now attempting to recoup lost revenues by changing the law to make it even easier for married couples to separate. The Grumpies consider these people to be no better than carrion preying on vulnerable members of the public in their moment of weakness and will, immediately after seizing power, put an end to their disgusting activities.

Thursday 7th – A Police Federation chairman revealed that the police could generate up to fifty forms when dealing with incidents like a playground fight between two children which is, of course, essential if we’re to win the war on crime. Bollocks! Truth is, multiple form filling exists to cover the arses of bureaucrats, to provide politicians with vote-winning statistics, to satisfy the politically correct and to help fend off outrageous and spurious claims from fat-fingered lawyers and their compensation-gone-mad clients. The Apathetic Majority should get on to their local MPs and demand they spend less time using and abusing our law enforcement agencies to win votes for themselves by sucking up to influential minority groups and more time insisting our Boys and Girls in Blue are able to get their act together simply by adopting tried and trusted business practices.

Tuesday 5th – Health and Safety have decided that teachers who make unruly children stand in the corner are cruel and have breached the child’s human rights. Local education authorities are now advising schools to cease the practice and use a less physical alternative. This will delight the many teachers who have been refusing to apply what they consider to be a horrid and beastly practice for fear some little Munchkins might feel humiliated. I mention this sickening incident merely to remind ‘ordinary’ folk that our society is still crawling with politically correct maggots attempting to transform all red-bloodied Brits into wet-knickered wimps and sissies. Hopefully, it will shock them into action of some sort.

Monday 4th – Equalities minister Harriet Harman was told that BBC executives were of the opinion that ‘as male presenters got older they become an authority but as female presenters got older they became a problem.’ Harriet, naturally, was agog to hear what ageing female presenters got up to that would cause their bosses to consider them to be a problem. Bollocks! Truth is Harriet Harman doesn’t give a flying fart whether women represent a problem or not to their employers. As a champion of the influential equality and diversity minority group she’s long laboured under the delusion that the business community exists primarily for the purpose of employing people – especially women. As a consequence she can claim the dubious honour of being the business community’s biggest single obstacle in their efforts to generate wealth for the country and jobs for the unemployed.

Friday 1st – “Please, please, please Mr Stokes,” whimpered Gordon. “Tell me how I can cut services and increase taxes without the public finding out and tearing me to bits?” “Easy I said. Don’t let them find out from somebody else. Get out there and tell them, face to face, that the only way Britain is going to get back on it’s feet is if spending is cut and taxes raised; that it’s going to be tough for each and every one of them; that you’ll attempt, but will fail, to ensure everybody shares an equal amount of the pain. Tell them that those who don’t have the good sense to accept the obvious should vote for a political party that doesn’t have the good sense to accept the obvious. Tell them you’re going to die for those who continue to stand by you throughout these difficult times. Be prepared for a standing ovation but, whatever you do, don’t attempt to smile.”