PETER STOKES – LEADER OF THE GRUMPY OLD MEN AND WOMEN POLITICAL PARTY.
Influential minority groups and well-Intentioned farts and fartesses are transforming us Brits into sissies, wimps and losers. No problem. The Grumpies, a bold and innovative new breed of exceptionally good-looking politician will, immediately after having seized power, swiftly resolve the nation's many and varied problems, right all wrongs and transform Britain into a Winner. In the meantime, I'll be exposing the tiny little minds of the public to something they’ve always professed to want - the truth. Of course, they ain’t gonna like it but those moved by my Grumpy Truths to atone for living a life of irresponsibility and self-delusion can seek coveted Grumpy Arsehole Convert Status by adding their names to my Grumpy Petitions.
February 2010
Thursday 4th – Our Boys and Girls in Blue are entitled to standby-pay based on a minimum of four hours pay. This is reasonable given that a call or call-out could disrupt the personal plans of off-duty officers. What isn't reasonable is the nation-wide practice in the public sector, condoned by senior staff, of bumping up basic salaries by a myriad of methods to compensate for what is felt by those concerned to be a poor basic salary. Politician's abuse of expenses is a prime example of this principle. And the practice is rife throughout all nationalised industries. So much so that everybody has come to believe that it's part of our national heritage and nothing can be done about it. Bollocks! Truth is, Apathetic Arseholes can do a lot about it. You can, for starters, arm yourself with a few facts by accessing the TaxPayers' Alliance website and then making your local MPs and the lying mad-dog media aware of the extent to which you’re consumed with rage and fury at being ripped off, as a taxpayer, by so many people.
Tuesday 2nd – Gordon Brown is suggesting the electoral system be reformed. He thinks the change will be a sop to public disenchantment with politicians and their many and varied expense abuses. No chance! Truth is, the public don't want a new form of electoral system, they want a new, preferably better, form of government. Fortunately, the Grumpy Old Men and Women Political Party is poised to introduce a new and decidedly better form of government - a Benevolent Dictatorship.
Monday 1st – The Mail Online reveals shocking contravention of equality laws by City law firm. Stuart Dutson, a litigation partner in the firm, anticipating interviewing a female job applicant who had recently had a child, sent an email to a colleague asking if there were any guidelines available as to what questions could be asked to ascertain the woman’s overall level of commitment, the hours she was prepared to work and how she intended to balance work and child responsibilities. Big mistake. Even posing the question is considered to be discriminatory by these wankers. A spokeswomen for the firm smugly announced that they don't condone any kind of discrimination or behaviour which is counter to their extensive equality and diversity policies and said: 'We investigated and dealt with the matter swiftly and decisively through the appropriate line management and HR channels prior to the candidate's interview.' A leading employment lawyer said that had Dutson pursued his line of questioning and not employed the women concerned his firm could have faced a sex discrimination payout; that the head of department was absolutely correct in saying that the whole interview process had been fatally compromised. What an absolute load of bollocks! Stuart Dutson is yet another poor sod who has run foul of our wretched equality and diversity laws. Pity he didn't take a quick look at my Grumpy Gripes Women's Equality Lobby taster before sticking his head above the parapet.
January 2010
Thursday 28th – According to Job Centre staff in Thetford, Norfolk, it's illegal to include the words 'reliable' when advertising for staff because it might upset unreliable people. Bollocks! Truth is, the Job Centre staff, like so many of us, have become so confused by all the nauseating amount of politically correct propaganda constantly being dumped upon us that we're reduced to having to consult a lawyer to establish what we're actually allowed to do or not allowed to do. Apathetic Arseholes should buy a loud hailer, position themselves strategically in their local high street at the busiest time of day and scream: 'we ain't gonna take any more shite from slime bag politically correct maggots' until people in white coats arrive to take you away.
Thursday 28th – Another quango, the National Equality Panel, has finally produced an expensive and totally unnecessary 450-page report. It was commissioned by Harriet Harman in October 2008 in an attempt to justify her equality and diversity policies. It confirms her claims that the £billions spent by the Labour Party on social engineering over the past 13 years has halted the rising growth of poverty and inequality. Bollocks! It doesn't. The report actually reveals that poverty and inequality are at their highest level since the Second World War. Truth is, given that politicians define those in poverty as having an income less than 60% of the national average, it should be easy for the government to eliminate poverty completely. All they have to do is maintain (or increase) benefits and reduce the earnings of everybody earning more than 60% of the national average. That will appeal to the envy-driven Left. A much simpler solution would be to reduce the poverty threshold to 50% but that would upset Harriet Harman and her pious equality and poverty campaigners. What would they do with themselves if the government, at a stroke, eliminated relative poverty?
Friday 22nd – The banking fraternity is justifiably upset about being criticised for awarding themselves massive bonuses. After all, they're putting their own money at risk and any losses come out of their own pockets, as it does with all entrepreneurs prepared to gamble their own money. Bollocks! Truth is, it isn't their money. Much of it is the public's money originally deposited with the banks for safekeeping and it's the public who will have to underwrite any losses. Amazingly the banks are, without the tacit approval of the public, advancing £zillions of the public's money to 'Dell Boy' city slickers to use for 'casino' style gambling. That bankers, in these difficult times, should personally award themselves such grotesque amounts of money in such a flagrant don't-give-a-damn-what-anybody-thinks manner is sickening to the extreme and totally unacceptable. Clearly, they can't be trusted to regulate themselves. President Obama has the right idea. He's going to limit the size of banks, impose restrictions on trading and stop retail banks from putting the public's money at risk. The Apathetic Majority must support Obama's initiative and press for far greater controls over these greedy swine.
Friday 22nd – Two appallingly sadistic children aged ten and eleven were given indeterminate sentences for the cruel and systematic violation and torture of two other children. Conservative leader David Cameron fiercely demanded we should 'ask what has gone wrong with our society and what are we going to do about it?' Yes, bold questioning like that will swiftly resolve the nation’s many and varied problems. Bollocks! Cameron will still be asking the same rivetingly useless questions when these two evil psychopaths are released upon an unsuspecting public to rape, pillage and murder decent hardworking folk in their beds. £Millions of taxpayers money will have been showered upon them by well-intentioned farts and fartesses who want to believe they're merely innocent little Munchkin victims of brutal parents. Truth is, I knew the difference between right and wrong when I was ten and so did they. That said, the Grumpy Team appreciate the very difficult and unfair life to which the whole family must have been subjected and will unhesitatingly award the lot of them priority access to our ever-so-caring Grumpy Pie-In-The-Sky Factory.
Wednesday 20th – Abu (The Hook) Hamza was jailed for seven years in 2006 for inciting murder and race hatred. He's currently attempting to avoid deportation by appealing against a Home Office decision to deny him UK citizenship and his lawyers are busy racking up legal fees (on top of the £3 million he's already cost the taxpayer) by invoking his rights to have the European Court of Human Rights prevent his extradition to the United States on terror charges. Everything and more is, of course, being done by the establishment to boot this raving maniac out of our country. Bollocks! Truth is, Hamza is just one of the many geese being nurtured by the legal profession to lay a veritable sea of golden eggs for their consumption. Fat-fingered lawyers will demand, for as long as there continues to be money in it, that the letter rather than the spirit/intent of the law must continue to be observed when dealing with the Abu Hamzas of this world. And all their pals in the corridors of power will support them.
Tuesday 19th – Britain's first Asian newscaster Lisa Aziz will be claiming £millions in compensation for being ousted from her job. Her justification for making such exotic claims, to be revealed at her forthcoming tribunal, will be that she was discriminated against because of her age, her sex and her race. Well she would, wouldn't she? It's an unbeatable combination. Truth is, no woman in her right mind is going to pass up the opportunity presented to her by Britain's politically correct equality and diversity laws to make unlimited £zillions simply by making outrageous claims for compensation, real or imagined, against their employers - even those who have provided them with a golden opportunity to make something of themselves.
Monday 18th – "Excuse me Mr. Stokes," whispered Horace, my tortoise, "I'm afraid there are a number of very agitated quite well-dressed gentleman at the door, begging for a moment of your time. They say they're representing the interests of the legal profession." "Bollocks," I said. "They're not gentlemen. They're ambulance-chasing scumbags. They've obviously got wind of the fact that fourteen million of the Grumpy's slavering hordes of Apathetic Arseholes have broken loose and forced Lord Justice Jackson and Master of the Rolls Lord Neuberger to break ranks and move to end the legal profession's filthy disgusting no-win no-fee pig fest of a compensation scam. Tell them to piss off back to America."
Wednesday 13th – Section 44 of our Terrorism Act 2000 that allows police to stop and search without grounds for suspicion was ruled illegal by European judges who considered it to violate our human rights. Self-appointed protectors of our human rights consider this to be a victory for freedom. Bollocks!
Monday 11th – It isn't illegal to clear the snow from the front of your house but it might cost you dearly. No-win no-fee members of the legal profession will be advertising on television and/or their ambulance chasers will be out combing the hospitals looking for money-grubbing members of the public who might have slipped and fallen in front of your home. Word from The Institution of Occupational Safety and Health representing 36,000 health and safety experts is that you could be sued for compensation.
Sunday 10th – The attempt by Geoff Hoon and Patricia Hewitt to oust Gordon Brown was an unmitigated disaster. Bollocks! It was a well-orchestrated success. Truth is, their real objective wasn't to oust the PM. It was to give the Cabinet more power to their elbow in forcing Gordon to accept their views about the necessity of having to severely cut spending and reduce services.
Friday 8th – The Mail Online revealed that 75% of the prominent law firms surveyed are supporting a campaign to make it easier for married couples to divorce. They're genuinely concerned that current divorce legislation puts too much pressure on parents and children. Bollocks! Truth is, divorce rates are at their lowest level since 1981 so scumbag lawyers, not content with tempting couples to divorce by offering no-win no-fee services, are now attempting to recoup lost revenues by changing the law to make it even easier for married couples to separate. The Grumpies consider these people to be no better than carrion preying on vulnerable members of the public in their moment of weakness and will, immediately after seizing power, put an end to their disgusting activities.
Thursday 7th – A Police Federation chairman revealed that the police could generate up to fifty forms when dealing with incidents like a playground fight between two children which is, of course, essential if we’re to win the war on crime. Bollocks! Truth is, multiple form filling exists to cover the arses of bureaucrats, to provide politicians with vote-winning statistics, to satisfy the politically correct and to help fend off outrageous and spurious claims from fat-fingered lawyers and their compensation-gone-mad clients. The Apathetic Majority should get on to their local MPs and demand they spend less time using and abusing our law enforcement agencies to win votes for themselves by sucking up to influential minority groups and more time insisting our Boys and Girls in Blue are able to get their act together simply by adopting tried and trusted business practices.
Tuesday 5th – Health and Safety have decided that teachers who make unruly children stand in the corner are cruel and have breached the child's human rights. Local education authorities are now advising schools to cease the practice and use a less physical alternative. This will delight the many teachers who have been refusing to apply what they consider to be a horrid and beastly practice for fear some little Munchkins might feel humiliated. I mention this sickening incident merely to remind 'ordinary' folk that our society is still crawling with politically correct maggots attempting to transform all red-bloodied Brits into wet-knickered wimps and sissies. Hopefully, it will shock them into action of some sort.
Monday 4th – Equalities minister Harriet Harman was told that BBC executives were of the opinion that 'as male presenters got older they become an authority but as female presenters got older they became a problem.' Harriet, naturally, was agog to hear what ageing female presenters got up to that would cause their bosses to consider them to be a problem. Bollocks! Truth is Harriet Harman doesn't give a flying fart whether women represent a problem or not to their employers. As a champion of the influential equality and diversity minority group she's long laboured under the delusion that the business community exists primarily for the purpose of employing people - especially women. As a consequence she can claim the dubious honour of being the business community's biggest single obstacle in their efforts to generate wealth for the country and jobs for the unemployed.
Sunday 3rd – A team of researchers led by Professor Marjorie Gunnoe has revealed that young children who have been smacked will perform better on almost every measure, including doing better at school and being more optimistic about their future lives, than children who are never smacked. She says that claims for not smacking children don't hold up; that smacking can be a dangerous tool but there are times when a job is big enough to justify using a dangerous tool. Children's right’s campaigners and their cronies in the Lying Mad-Dog Media will, no doubt, want to bury this study. The Apathetic Majority should bring it to the attention of their local MPs and discuss it, loudly, in public places.
Friday 1st – "Please, please, please Mr Stokes," whimpered Gordon. "Tell me how I can cut services and increase taxes without the public finding out and tearing me to bits?" "Easy I said. Don't let them find out from somebody else. Get out there and tell them, face to face, that the only way Britain is going to get back on it's feet is if spending is cut and taxes raised; that it's going to be tough for each and every one of them; that you'll attempt, but will fail, to ensure everybody shares an equal amount of the pain. Tell them that those who don't have the good sense to accept the obvious should vote for a political party that doesn't have the good sense to accept the obvious. Tell them you're going to die for those who continue to stand by you throughout these difficult times. Be prepared for a standing ovation but, whatever you do, don’t attempt to smile."